By: Meredith Sparks
Have a Very Merry Christmas
For many people, Yuletide means kissing goodbye any semblance of sex. And who can blame them with the extra ten pounds you put on from gorging yourself on Christmas cookies, especially when you dress yourself in some God awful shapeless sweater creation your Paleolithic Granny thought was fashionable?! The stress of the holidays often puts a strain on romantic relationships since the days are shorter, which can lead to depression. But here’s the great thing about days being shorter – it means the nights are longer, you idiots! You can start drinking earlier, screwing earlier AND wearing party dresses earlier in the day. Here are a few ways to have the most decadent Yuletide ever, since everyone knows, it just isn’t the holidays without sex.
Everybody seems to use the cold weather as an excuse to bundle up in some appalling apparel, but your winter wardrobe doesn’t have to be all ugly Christmas sweaters. Wear CUTE party dresses with coats over there and tights under them. Hosiery can make winter a little steamier, especially if one employs a garter belt. Remember the “Jingle Bell Rock” performance by Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Seyfried, Lacey Chabert, and Rachel McAdams in ‘Mean Girls’? Get some XXXmas lingerie along those lines from Victoria’s Secret or any lingerie store this time of the year and you will have people singing “Santa Baby” for a whole other reason. There are certain colors you should wear during specific seasons and winter white, metallics, jewel tones and spicy red will definitely pump up your frosty closet. Guys are super attracted to women that wear crimson since it screams sex and confidence, and women that wear red on dates are way more likely to seal the deal and get asked out again. The fabrics in winter garments are fabulously sexual, so go ahead and drape yourself in velvet, brocade and faux furs. The holidays are meant to be luxurious, so there isn’t any excuse for your duds to be dowdy.
Once again, I realize that it’s a bit nippy outside, but you don’t have to eat like you’re a bear about to hibernate. The holidays are about overindulgence and luxury, but that doesn’t mean you should gobble up three servings of Christmas dinner in one sitting. And besides, it isn’t really sexy to think about the holidays as being about ham, roast beef, turkey, stuffing, or any of that heavy stuff. I think it’s divinely luscious that Christmas flavors are all about chocolate, cinnamon, champagne, whipped cream and peppermint. All of these foods are considered aphrodisiacs in one way or another; peppermint gets your brain going, cinnamon gets your blood going, champagne gets your buzz going, and we all know what chocolate and whipped cream can get going. Plan to skip the heavy meals for slimming salads and then satiate your appetite with much more sensuous snacks.
So, we’ve discussed how you can avoid looking like a tacky Christmas decoration that has a belly that shakes like several bowls of jelly and once you’ve got that covered, the sex should be pretty easy. After all, there is mistletoe. This shit is brilliant. I don’t really know the tradition behind mistletoe and I could careless, but it’s a perfect way to lock lips with whomever you want after a few glasses of eggnog at a holiday party. College Christmas parties should be drenched in mistletoe. Some might see the constant presence of family as a major cock block, but it actually will make your sex life this holiday season much more creative and exciting. My horoscope in Cosmo said I can look forward to having sex in a garage this December, which I can only assume must be a result of the family that is waiting to burst in on me and lover boy indoors. Get it on in the coat closet at a holiday soiree or sneak off to the bathroom and hop up on the counter for some sink-top sexy time. The possibilities are endless and just imagine all the fog that will be on the car windows after you two are done in the backseat since it’s so bitter cold outside. As previously discussed, the nights are longer, which gives you much more time to get your freak on. It’s freezing outside which requires body heat which in turn, requires intimate relations. And once you finally get inside, it’s so damn hot with the heat cranked up, so you’ll have to strip off a few layers. Its a little cliché, but fireside cuddling, hot chocolate and sex on the floor is always a cozy way to spend a holiday evening.
Bottom line is that sex provides people with the intimacy they crave and puts them in a happy place, and happy people don’t get depressed during the holidays or have horrible love lives. Don’t let the penetrating cold get you stuck in a drab, fat, sexless rut and appreciate every aspect of your life (and every part of your paramour’s body) this holiday season. So go ahead and push through finals to get out of school. The idea of fireside champagne, lush lingerie and amorous encounters should add to your motivation.