Being sober at a bar is fucking awful. Everybody is drinking and laughing and doing shit they normally wouldn’t do while I sit there and watch. People are drinking Captain and Cokes, Four Lokos, beers, and I’m drinking a Goddamn Aquafina like a fool. You should see the face of the bartenders when you ask for a water…They look like they want to hurt you. It’s like asking a gourmet, five-star chef for chicken nuggets…you just don’t do it. Either way, I was designated driver the other night while my friends got plastered and I was like, “what the fuck am I going to do?” The solution: People watch. I decided to watch from the eyes of a sober person what happens at a bar…and boy do I have some stories for you.
After walking into the club, I immediately started looking for the drunk girls to see what season they’re in that night. I ordered my water (like a puss) and took my place against the wall. To my left I see the patented drunk guidette trying to fuck the security guard. This little bitch was about four-feet full of whore with long, jet-black hair (Snooki much?). The security guard had no interest at all and I was literally laughing out loud at this train-wreck of a woman. She kept saying “Oh my god, me too!” Bitch is definitely from Long Island, most likely Nassau County (no offense to any normal people from Nassau).
After becoming bored of the Security/Stripper dilemma, I looked to my right where I saw a girl and guy arguing. I knew of these people actually – they had been dating for a few months now. I sat back and watched as she waved her finger in his face and screamed at him. Thank god for the blasting Drizzy and Aerosmith compilation or my ears would have been bleeding from the screeching yelps. The guy said something to her and she gasped. Oh shit. What did he say? The drama was peaking my interest and then…BOOM! She slapped him in the fucking face! Booyah! He threw his beer on the ground and stormed off. She was upset and crying and went to the bar to get a drink. See, if I was drunk and a dick, I would try to comfort her and get the anger bang, but I was Señor Sober that night, so no anger banging for me tonight. Let’s move on to the next show.
As my friends became more and more inebriated, I went through about three bottles of water, which is sure to make you piss. I went into the bathroom to find a guy puking in one of the urinals. I asked him “why the fuck aren’t you puking in the stall?” I looked under the stall and saw a girl on her knees. Oh boy…good looks my dude, and congrats. After pissing in the sink, I went over to see what my buddies were doing and find them talking to these three girls…and these chicks are fucking monsters. I felt like I was at a Pokemon audition or a Sarah Jessica Parker look-a-like contest. One of my friends, who was extremely frustrated at the time, started talking to one of the girls heavy duty and proceeded to dance with her. Now, let me describe this “female.” Imagine Uncle Fester with Cousin It’s hair. I figured that that guy puking in the urinal may have caught a glimpse of this monstrosity. I took a swig of water and watched as my boy hooked up with the white Rick Ross. All I could do was just sit, watch, and record it on my phone for future humiliation purposes.
It was about two in the morning when my friends decided they were ready to leave. I went to use the bathroom one last time and the blowjob girl stepped out of the door…it was the fucking girl who slapped her boyfriend! And it was not her boyfriend whose dick she was sucking! Ho-fo-sho. I just stared at her blankly and giggled to myself. I came out of the bathroom and cops bombarded me. The fucking bar got raided? They asked me how old I am; I told them that I was twenty (the truth, by the way) and showed them that I was sober and drinking water. They went into the bathroom and saw the bastard passed out in his own puke, and they dragged him into the cop car and drove away…unlucky motherfucker.
To sum up my night of sobriety: the bar was like a digital cable box. I could change the channels between watching a ho fail at trying to secure a man, then switch to a couple falling apart. Along with that, I could toggle between bathroom jargon and watching Animal Planet – featuring my boys. Being sober at a bar is not only awful, it’s an experience. An experience that will make you want to drink every fucking chance you can.