When it comes to your appearance in the workplace, boring is better – unless you spend the work week in a studio recording hip-hop, where excess and hyperbole are encouraged. Today, it’s time to examine five fresh-ass items The Man doesn’t want to see you rolling with.
Lil Jon’s “Crunk Juice” chalice
The vessel you use to get coffee or water refills can communicate a lot about your character. For example, you’re the “World’s Greatest Dad.” You know the value of “Perseverance” and the hokey stock photo that accompanies it. You enjoy reading ‘Dilbert.’ Or you often pass time at the club, where diamond inlays help you locate your crunk juice when there are twenty underage bitches in your grill.
The Gulfstream G-650 (“Fly like a G6”)
Traveling to work at 0.925 Mach is obviously appealing on a number of levels, but it’s only practical if you happen to work next to a private runway. Gulfstreams are notoriously difficult to steer into parking garages, and apparently fuel is pretty expensive these days.
Kanye’s Horus chain
There are probably motivational benefits to having an oversized statuette of an Egyptian falcon-god draped around your neck – perhaps a reminder that even though you’re the designated bagel run guy, you’re still above everyone in an ancient-ruler-of-the-sky sense. Unfortunately, prolonged wear can cause back pain, and the colossal gold links make answering the phone nearly impossible.
Gucci Mane’s ice cream tattoo
We at Internships.com often tell interns to cover up any tattoos when they’re at work, because it’s better to have people focusing on your work than your appearance. Even if you’re speaking eloquently about the challenges of the coming fiscal quarter, it’s hard to command respect with three multi-colored scoops of ice cream shooting lightning bolts out of your face.
Unless, of course, you’re interning at Ben and Jerry’s. Not because it’s thematic, but Vermont just doesn’t give a fuck.
I’m not sure if it’s still too soon to makes Joe C. jokes, but Kid Rock’s late sidekick would probably just get in the way around the office – especially if the much-hyped claims he made about his lower anatomy were true. However, you might be able to get away with it on Take Your Son/Daughter to Work Day.