By: Nick Mathews (U Mass Amherst)
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Let’s face it, it’s the middle of June and you are already bored of summer. Yeah, you can spend a few days at the beach and it’s nice to have an income again but, push comes to shove, you are running out of things to do. In less than a week the NBA won’t be able to occupy your time and the Boston/New York/Wherever bar scene will start to look like a copy of a copy of a copy. You need something fresh, something that you don’t do every day. If I were a good person, I’d suggest some kind of giving back to the community. Maybe do a trash pickup of some local forested area. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, that kind of thing. Fortunately, I’m not a good person. I’m a great person. So get ready for this. Remember three hundred years ago when our forefathers gave a bunch of blankets to the indigenous people, killing them off and taking their land. I’m pretty sure we never sat side by side with Pocahontas tracing our hands to make turkey decorations. That’s ok, though, because its time to give back. I’m talking Foxwoods!
Free drinks, a few nightclubs, all-you-can-eat buffets, and a chance to lose a lot of money in the blink of an eye… and it’s all for a good cause. What’s not to like. If Atlantic City is Vegas Lite, consider Foxwoods Diet Vegas. Just in case you’ve never been to the ‘Woods, I’ll run you through my Native American (thanks a lot, political correctness) Casino Survival Guide.
1. Get a Hotel Room at the Casino.
See Step 7.
2. Hit the Package Store on your Way Down.
Grab a nice bottle of scotch, a handle of decent vodka, and some mixers. Then: See Step 7.
3. Never Go to a Show
Now if one of your favorite bands is playing the MGM Grand you can obviously make an exception. All I’m trying to say is that most of the shows running at Foxwoods and MGM are for old people. I’m talking dentures and oxygen tanks old. Oh, you don’t believe me? Fine, I’ll give you a listing of what’s on the Foxwoods itinerary this weekend. Hurry up and get to Foxwoods before October 3rd or else you will miss out on their prized… wait for it… Titanic: The Artifact Exhibition. There is no better way to kill a Saturday night than walking around observing a bunch of items memorializing a ship that killed a bunch of people… on a Saturday night. Watery graves not your thing? That’s cool, how fucking sick would it be to see Prince in Concert? Oh, wait. It’s just a cover band of Prince, just like all of the other Legends shows that feature cover bands replicating music from awesome (see Michael Jackson) to awful (see Barbra Streisand).
4. Hit up the Scorpion Bar
All right, so last year my band played at Foxwoods and it was sick. I had just turned 21, actually won a decent amount of money playing poker, and was finally able to drink legally. After we finished our set, we walked over next door to this Mexican/Rock and Roll inspired watering hole. The drinks weren’t cheap, but they were strong. The tequila selection was unrivaled and the waitresses/bartender’s were very attractive. Furthermore, it was a hotspot for the younger crowd at the ‘Woods, with recent graduates doing shots with 9-5ers aged anywhere from twenty-one to thirty. The food was also pretty rocking, if you are into that kind of thing.
5. Head over to the MGM Grand
After you’ve paid for a few drinks, it’s time to reward yourself with a few free ones. Head over to the MGM Grand and hit up a Craps table. At a five-dollar craps table, riding the line (making no other bet other than the minimum), you should be able to play for about an hour and a half, depending on the way the dice falls. In this time, you will get four or five drinks (literally whatever you want) delivered to you for a dollar tip each. I prefer scotch as they usually will give you the mid range stuff instead of cheating you with the well. During this time, feel free to actually gamble if you want to, but the aforementioned strategy is for if throwing money around isn’t your cup of… scotch.
6. Go to Shrine
Shrine is the newest hotspot in Native American Land. It’s got the youngest crowd, the best DJ’s, and just about as many guidos per square foot as the Atlantic City boardwalk. Still, it’s definitely the place to go after you’re done gambling and want to find a drunken one-night stand.
7. Party in your Hotel Room
You paid for it, now enjoy it. This is where steps one and two culminate into the end of your night. Last call on weekends is 2:30ish with drinks cleared at 3:00, but that doesn’t mean your night has to end until breakfast the next morning. That foursome of “aspiring actresses” that you met on the dance floor doesn’t want to end their night early either, so might as well make it a party. You can plug in an iPod into most TVs if you have the right jack, and you can plug everyone else full of bourbon if you planned well enough to bring the other right Jack. Before you know it, you’ll be bumpin’ California Gurls while dancing with, hopefully, a bunch of girls from California and they ain’t leavin’ ‘till six in the morn’ (thanks again Snoop).
Follow all of the aforementioned instructions and you are guaranteed a profitable (used loosely) night at the ‘Woods. Thank me later.