Now that Deron Williams is no longer a proud New Jersey Net but a member of Turkey’s Beşiktaş basketball team, many of his fellow NBA stars look to follow suit. The allure of salary cap-less ball in foreign markets (which would of course afford the players the opportunity for a lot of “foreign market penetration”) has hung over David Stern’s head for years now, although in that time the only notable defector has been Josh Childress, and yes, the correct response to that fact is “Who?” The lockout finally makes the jump much more reasonable to a lot of players, so prepare yourself to see Kobe in black and red next season, not purple and yellow.
Of course, expect to see the NBA’s brightest stars simply go to whichever teams offer them the most green, pink, blue and yellow. I have compiled the following list of where ten of these stars should play. That is, not where is best for them or where they are most likely to go, simply where, in a perfect world, they would play. So, follow me as I try to play matchmaker with country and star.
1. Kobe Bryant: Germany
Let’s play a little game of word association. I say Kobe Bryant. Your responses: Cold, calculating, emotionless, selfish, rapist, sociopath, rapist, douchebag, rapist, homophobe, rapist, asshole, rapist, rapist. Yep, sounds about right. Kobe’s unique mix of a heartless, Machiavellian style, an unwavering drive to be the best, a strong desire to rape and a mercurialness that makes it impossible not to think he’s an asshole make him a natural fit for Munich, Dresden or Dusseldorf. Better start checking out how many Deutsche Marks an 8-karat purple diamond costs, Kobe.
Also, he would be a natural fit for a country that uses toilets that allow the user to examine their shit before they flush it. It’s been said by some that these toilets are the key to understanding the entire Third Reich: “German toilets are really the key to the horrors of the Third Reich. People who can build toilets like this are capable of anything” (source: http://www.lrb.co.uk/v26/n17/slavoj-zizek/knee-deep).
2. Kevin Durant: Israel
How many tattoos does Kevin Durant have? In his jersey, zero. But have you ever seen him without a shirt? Inked up as a motherfucker. Tattoos are treyf in Israel, but Durant’s clandestine body art would allow him to be popular with the Hebrews while maintaining his individuality. Hope the Durantula doesn’t like bacon too much.
3. Joakim Noah: England
Joakim Noah is one ugly motherfucker. In England he would just be average.
4. LeBron James: France
Much like France in World War II, noted premature ejaculator LeBron James has a strong propensity for failing when needed the most. Whether it’s against the Celtics in the conference finals or the very next year against the Mavs in the NBA finals, James has shown a mastery of coming close and then finishing short. Also, the resemblance is uncanny:
5. Steve Nash: Mexico
Here in America, Mexicans do most of the heavy lifting without getting the glory. Steve Nash is the master of assists, giving his teammates the glory he deserves. Born in America’s hat, Canada, it is fitting that Nash would then play in America’s beard, Mexico.
6. Rajon Rondo: South Africa
South Africa ended apartheid in 1994, but the scars of brutal racism still linger from Johannesburg to Cape Town. Yeah, that sounds exactly like Boston to me. If Rondo can take the ignorant, backwards racism from the bandwagon Boston fans from Southie, Quin-zee or Do-ah-chestah, I’m sure he can handle whatever Afrikaans slurs will inevitably be hurled at him.
7. Michael Beasley: Amsterdam
Beasley has been fined multiple times for his drug use, most notably when he set off a fire alarm smoking weed at the NBA’s Rookie Transition Program in 2008. Basically, Beasley is like Method Man: Roll that shit, light that shit, smoke that shit. I don’t see that being a problem in Amsterdam.
8. Carmelo Anthony: Canada
Canada isn’t that much further north than Anthony’s alma mater, Syracuse, and he followed that by playing in Denver and New York. That’s not exactly a list of tropical paradises right there. He should already be used to the frigid winters and heart-breaking coldness of Toronto, Ottawa or Saskatchewan.
9. Blake Griffin: Russia
The biggest big man in the biggest country? Makes sense to me. Not to mention, Griffin is coming from the Clippers, whose rich tradition of losing is actually tame compared to Russia’s: WWI, WWII, The Bolshevik revolution, The Cold War and The Russian Civil War were all massive tragedies for Russia. Their history is one of despair, desolation and destruction, just like the Clips.
10. The Entire San Antonio Spurs Team: Argentina
Following their Argentinian star Manu Ginobli, the Spurs have adopted a style of play reminiscent of soccer:
A. A player runs near you.
B. You fall.
C. Yell at the ref until you get a foul.
The Spurs’ vaginal play would be unquestionably popular in futbol-crazy Argentina. I’ll call it now: Within a year, there will be more Tim Duncan jerseys sold in Buenos Aires than Leo Messi, and Tony Parker will be a spokesman for Kotex.