Thanksgiving is hands down the most neglected holiday of them all. It’s like being this year’s St. Louis Rams or like Diecast opening for Metallica: sure it’s great in its own way, but no one gets excited for it. (Well actually, there’s nothing great about the Rams this year. How do you lose 16 consecutive games?) For any further proof, just take a look at Thanksgiving’s more interesting siblings.
1. Christmas is definitely the favorite child, getting all the attention. Planning for it can take all year. Hell, it doesn’t even care about stepping on Thankgiving’s toes because people put up Christmas decorations in November. It also seems like it’s always trying to one-up Thanksgiving. “I can serve turkey too and give out presents, bitch! You’ve got nothing! NOTHING!”
2. Halloween, in my opinion, is even more fun than Christmas meaning that Thanksgiving is not even close to being in the same league. Unless you’re uptight and still hung-up on the “This is a pagan holiday!” diatribes you got in church, Halloween is one of the best holidays of the year. Free candy, hot girls in sexy costumes, bar and club parties, and egging people’s homes as a kid. What’s not to love? In fact, by November 1st, most people take down the Halloween decorations just to put up Christmas ones. Ouch. Halloween is the cool kid everybody loves.
3. The Fourth of July is the best party of the summer: beer, barbecues and lots of illegal fireworks. What better way to celebrate our independence than to get drunk, eat a burger and blow something up? The Fourth of July is literally the firecracker in the family.
4. New Year’s Eve/Day is a lot of fun… indoors. It is usually cold as fuck if you’re in Times Square. Still, even out in the elements, you have enough booze in you to create that artificial warmth. Plus, everyone is a night owl, partying well into the evening and following morning. And who doesn’t like to ring in the new year by sleeping until mid-afternoon the next day? The only flaw is the resolutions. Nobody wants to hear the promises you’re going to crap out on by January 2nd.
5. Ok, St. Patrick’s Day isn’t a national holiday, but everyone knows it damn well should be. St. Patrick’s Day is the Irish best friend of the family, putting it’s kindred spirit Halloween in a headlock and drinking the Fourth of July under the table. It’s a good natured holiday where we can all lift our mugs up and be Irish for a day. Green beer… Green everything. And the St. Patrick’s Day parade makes Thanksgiving Day parade look like a high school band. Granted, a lot of things look better after a few drinks, but this one actually is.
6. Easter… actually scratch that. Easter is cool until you’re ten. After that it sucks. It is so boring watching a bunch of little kids find some eggs. Screw that. I have to give this one to Thanksgiving.
7. Hanukkah is eight days to party and it’s the only holiday with the balls to compete with Christmas. I don’t celebrate it myself, but from what I’ve seen, it kicks ass. Adam Sandler even wrote 3 songs and a movie about it. How many holidays can say they know a celebrity? Not Thanksgiving.
Do you see what Thanksgiving has to go through every year? Thanksgiving still beats out Easter, Flag Day, Labor Day, Three Kings Day, but that’s really not saying much. It’s not that Thanksgiving is a bad holiday, it’s just that it’s generic and leaves a lot of idle time before and after dinner to make awkward conversation with family members you see only four times a year. Granted, pumpkin pie is awesome, but I wouldn’t call it a claim to fame. Like I said before, Thanksgiving is the middle child of the holidays, the one who hasn’t made a name for himself yet.
Well let’s change that this year. Let’s go all out this year! Thanksgiving gifts! Thanksgiving costumes! St. Thanksgiving Day where we can all be drunken pilgrims for a day while lighting fireworks! Who’s with me?