Tonight is the midseason premiere of South Park. The crudely animated show that changed the face of comedy is now in its 15th season, and contrary to what you may believe, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have no desire to stop making new episodes any time soon. So to celebrate 15 seasons of comic debauchery, we’re bringing you the 15 most ridiculous celebrity cameos (Warning: celebrities include fictional characters, religious figures, and complete douchebags).
Let’s begin with a real easy one…
South Park has a twisted relationship with Mel Gibson. First off, he’s the only celeb on here with a real picture used for his face. That is quite a compliment from Matt and Trey, because very few others (including Saddam Hussein and David Hasselhoff) have the honor. He first appeared in “The Passion of the Jew” as a zany religious masochist who closes the episode by taking a projectile shit onto Cartman’s face. When he returns in the “Imaginationland” trilogy, he is the only reasonable director, recruited to think up a way to stop the terrorists who are holding our imagination hostage.
Magician, escape artist, and philosophy-spewing monotone David Blaine is the main villain in “Super Best Friends.” David Blaine calls his tricks “miracles” and starts the church of “Blaintology” based on his teachings. He shows up Jesus in a battle of superhuman abilities and organizes a mass suicide of his followers, but finally succumbs to the Super Best Friends after his giant stone Abraham Lincoln is defeated by a giant stone John Wilkes Booth. Twaa.
And now for our first religious figure. The South Park version of Moses was in “Super Best Friends” with David Blaine, but he first appeared in “Jewbilee,” the episode dedicated to the Broflowski children and the Jew Scouts. He enjoys macaroni pictures, popcorn necklaces, soap carvings, and paper plate bean shakers. What most young adults don’t realize is that Moses’ appearance is a satire of the Master Control Program from the movie Tron. He comes back with the Super Best Friends in the episodes “200” and “201.”
The former creepy host of Dateline’s To Catch a Predator appears in the episode “Le Petit Tourette.” After Cartman fakes a bout of Tourette’s Syndrome, he contracts Hansen to do a special on his “illness.” Kyle brings an abrupt end to the show when he teams up with a real Tourette’s patient and invites hundreds of pedophiles to the theater. They see Chris Hansen sitting on stage and all subsequently kill themselves. This episode took place amidst the controversial suicide of a To Catch a Predator “victim.”
MJ first appears in “The Jeffersons.” Fed up with authorities trying to pin him for child molestation, Jackson and his son Blanket move to South Park. Obsessed with reliving his lost childhood, “Mr. Jefferson” loads his backyard with all sorts of Neverland Ranch goodness and then steals his son’s friends. Soon after his death, he reappeared in “Dead Celebrities,” when he possesses Ike so he live out his dream of being a little white girl before he goes to hell.
If you watched the whole “Go God Go” saga without realizing who Dawkins was, I wouldn’t be surprised. He is a scientist known for his strong stance against the existence of god, and comes into town to teach the children about evolution. He ends up banging Mrs. Garrison, a fervent creationist and transsexual, and together they become the saviors of a world where three atheist groups kill each other over what to name themselves. There are sea otters involved.
Speaking of god, he makes a few appearances in South park, too. He first shows up in the episode “Are You There God, It’s Me Jesus.” It was the turn of the millennium, and the people of Earth were hounding Jesus to talk to his father and make him come down and show himself. Needless to say, I don’t think the people of South Park quite expected god to resemble a filthy hippo-squirrel-cat creature with crooked teeth. He returns in the episode “Probably” to help Satan get rid of Saddam once and for all, and again as a disembodied voice in “A Ladder to Heaven.”
Hayward is the president of BP (later DP) and appears in the episodes “Coon 2: Hindsight” and “Mysterion Rises.” Through both episodes he repeatedly apologizes for his company (in increasingly erotic ways), which drilled too far into the Earth, caused an enormous oil spill, and unleashed the dark power of Cthulhu upon South Park. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a good idea. SPOILER ALERT: Kenny is Mysterion, Mintberry Crunch saves the day.
Queer Eye For the Straight Guy
While we’re on the topic of weird creatures from another dimension, there are these guys. No, not the gays – the crab people. In this case the crab people take the appearance of “The Fab Five” – five gay men who teach men how to dress and act on a date, thus kicking off the metrosexual trend, and turning South Park fabulous. Matt and Trey put it on the record that “South Park is Gay!” is one of their least favorite episodes, but we don’t think they’re giving it enough credit. There are many South Park episodes with twists, but no third act makes a complete 180 like this.
“With Apologies To Jesse Jackson” is perhaps one of South Park’s greatest episodes: Randy Marsh leaks the n-word on television, and is subsequently labeled as “that n*gger guy.” It exposed all sorts of racial issues, and the NAACP actually applauded it for correctly conveying how racial slurs affect the people they’re aimed at. We’re not exactly sure how Jackson felt about the way he was portrayed – he forced Randy to “apologize” to the Black race by kissing his ass.
Sarah Jessica Parker
It’s a weird feeling when you discover that South Park rips on male celebrities way more often than female celebrities. In fact, SJP is the only woman who catches enough heat in the show to get on this list (Hillary Clinton was a close second), and it’s purely based on her fugliness. She is a key component of a novel that the boys write in “The Tale of Scootie McBoogerballs,” in which they describe or at least reference her ugly appearance, in order to make their story more disgusting and vulgar (always resulting with readers vomiting). In the end she gets shot dead by hunters.
Collins appeared in what might have been one of the most memorable South Park episodes ever, and certainly one of the defining moments of my youth: “Timmy 2000.” I think we all remember what happens: Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld become a hit sensation and get to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalalala, but Collins, grasping his Oscar for dear life, doesn’t approve – so he seeks to drive the band apart, claiming “you shouldn’t make fun of people with ‘disabiwities.'” Matt and Trey deliberately poked fun at him for winning the Oscar over their own song “Blame Canada.”
R. Kelly showed up in a now-infamous South Park episode “Trapped in the Closet” that took on the Church of Scientology, every celebrity involved in the strange cult-like “religion,” and caused Isaac Hayes (the voice of Chef) to quit the show. Basically, Tom Cruise locks himself in the closet because Stan, the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, doesn’t really like his movies. Kelly pops out to sing Cruise out of the closet in a parody of his own dramedy-music-video-movie hybrid of the same name as the episode, and ends up pulling out a gun and taking a woman hostage. It’s completely random and totally hilarious.
Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in years. In case you don’t remember, this was the guy who hosted Crossing Over, a lame TV show where Edward claims to speak with the dead and make people feel better about death. But it’s all just bullshit. South Park tore him a new one in the episode “The Biggest Douche in the Universe,” where Stan exposes Edward’s “cold reading” trickery to win Kyle back. In the end, Edward seriously does win an award for being the Biggest Douche in the Universe – beating out a giant sentient douche in the contest.
Matt and Trey were asking for trouble when they decided that it was about time to take on Disney by exposing their attempt to sell sex to Christian tweens with promises of virginity and purity in the form of the Jonas Brothers. In “The Ring” Mickey is the foul-mouthed, verbally and physically abusive, chuckling owner of Disney, hoh-hoh. When he is exposed to the audience of young girls, he transforms into a giant, flying, fire-breathing version of himself, and destroys South Park before returning to Valhalla. Strangely enough, I never heard if Disney tried to sue the show – most likely because every last word South Park said was true.