Every year is the same thing; a new batch of freshmen come to school with wild visions of what college is supposed to be like. Growing up to movies like Old School, Van Wilder, Accepted, and of course, Animal House will definitely create unreal expectations. Hopefully their first college house party or visit to the bars will not be a disappointment and reassure them that college is awesome. But for every future bro and sorostitute there will be someone who refuses to have fun and is instead here for a degree. That someone is called a Freshman Nerd.
1. Going to the Library
Here at South Carolina our library is named after Thomas Cooper, a man I’ve never even heard of. It is a common event to see at least two to three friends on Facebook complain about being stuck at “TCoop” or making the ever-lame joke of “going on a date with Thomas Cooper.” This seems to be seen more in the freshmen class more than any other and more frequent around finals time. I can tell you that as a junior I’ve only been to the library three times: Once for orientation, another time to meet up with a friend to head out elsewhere, and the last and final time to take a nap after a class got canceled. Going to the library will not prevent the inevitable. We all know that for the first 10 minutes you’ll study and then the next 5 hours will consist of whining on Facebook and using StumbleUpon. But maybe being a Criminal Justice major has made me jaded towards studying, which leads me to my next point…
2. Complaining About Their Major
If I had a beer for every time I heard a freshman complain about how hard their major is I’d be dead from alcohol poisoning. “I spent all night doing homework and studying for my computer science exams. It’s so hard. I had to design a program to simulate what it’s like to have a life since mine is completely devoid of social interaction except for whining about its difficulty to people who don’t give a shit.” Okay, maybe I’m paraphrasing here but dude, you picked that major so don’t bitch to me about how hard it is. If it’s hard now then just imagine how it’s going to be for the next 50 years of your life when you’re slaving away to support a mediocre wife you settled for, two to three kids who don’t love you, and a house you can’t afford. An undergrad degree is worthless anyway so don’t waste the four best years of your life studying some bullshit that will turn out to be expensive toilet paper. Upon graduation I plan on burning my degree. I don’t need a piece of paper telling me I’m qualified to work in the white man’s world.
3. Caring about Grades
Getting passing grades are easy since you don’t even need to show up for class to pass. I live by the philosophy that C’s make degrees. Hell, I often take that to the next level and just get D’s. If you’re so worried about your GPA that you can’t go out and party, then that’s probably not the only 4.0 that you’re self-conscience about. Sure you need to maintain those grades for your scholarship, forget about everyone else who take out student loans to go to school who are helping the economy by going into debt (I’m not an economics major but I’m pretty sure spending money helps the economy). If you are truly worried that you’re going to fail your classes then just figure a way to bullshit the system. Girls, two things: pushup bra and low-cut top. Ugly/Fat girls: work on that personality. Guys: practice lying and bullshitting otherwise you’re going to have to actually do the minimum amount of work to maintain a 2.500 GPA.
4. Not Drinking
This absolutely amazes me. So you were homeschooled/had overbearing parents/are religious/lame before coming to school, that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a beer or a night throwing up after drinking a pink, frothy mix that someone made in a cooler. What really gets me about the freshmen who don’t drink is that they say it’s a choice or they just give an elitist attitude about it. I’m sorry, you sure are a better person for sitting in your dorm on a Friday night by yourself while everyone else is downtown getting belligerently drunk. If you haven’t changed your Facebook status to “in a relationship with the toilet” at least once in your four years (or five if you’re exceptionally awesome at saying fuck social norms) then you’re wasting your money. Tuition is a cover charge for the most exclusive parties in America.
5. Hanging out on Campus
South Carolina has an amazing campus that I thought was common at most schools (apparently it’s not). All the dorms and classes are lumped together making it easy for the baby freshmen to wake up for their 8 AM 101 classes. But when I see you sitting around the quads or chilling outside the dining halls on your own free time then I seriously question your sanity. The rare visit to class physically pains me, so I can’t see how you can consider it fun to go to the place where you work. Garbage men don’t sunbathe in trash heaps on their off hours. Hookers don’t stand on the corner when they’re not working on making their parents proud. The only exception to this are cops, who I’m pretty sure are assholes even when they’re not working. So what’s your excuse for wasting precious pre-gaming time by dicking around the Horseshoe? And don’t tell me 11 AM is too early to start drinking.