You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DON’T: Be Drunker than the “Drunkest Girl at the Party”
We all know “that girl.” She has vom plastered on her makeup stained face, hair bigger than Mufasa’s mane from the Lion King and is typically dancing on and then falling off of a table. In case that’s not enough of a visual go ahead and Google Ke$ha. No guy wants to be with this sloppy bitty and newsflash, the same thing goes for guys. Do you really want to be “that guy?” And by “that guy” I mean:
a) The Work of Art: The closest you got to a girl that night is when she was drawing on your face in Sharpie. But hey, you fell asleep with your shoes on – what did you expect? You were practically begging your “friends” for that shaving cream facial, tampons in your nose and missing eyebrow. Van Gough should be ashamed – his Mona Lisa can’t even compare to the penis trifecta you’ve got on your face. Clearly your boys have been taking notes from Superbad.
b) The Sloppy Hookup: From this point on you will be known as the guy that tried to drown someone with his spit at the party. There’s no going back once you’ve become this guy. The damage will be permanently done because tomorrow you can’t text the girl and say, “Wow (insert slampiece’s grenade’s name here), so sorry for unleashing the flood gates on your mouth last night, do you want to try again?” Don’t think for a second that she won’t go to all of her hot friends and say, “OMG don’t EVER hook up with him. He’s the gross guy that swallowed my tongue at the Pike party.” That ship has sailed bud and it’s floating on with the help of the drool dripping down your chin.
c) The Creeper: In case you live under a rock and aren’t aware of what a creeper is, I highly suggest you look up Lonely Island’s “The Creep.” This guy is the reason our moms make up carry pepper spray on our key chains. The creeper uses every disgusting pick up line in the book, touches you way too much and just makes you feel weirded out by lingering around every girl at the party. If you’re this guy you probably even used creep as a verb. “Yeah man let’s totally go and creep on some dimes tonight.” Ew. There’s a pedo-stache waiting for you in your usual spot on the shelf in Home Depot.
So heed my advice: if you get too hammered, chances are you’re not getting nailed.
DO: Smell Good
You can laugh all you want that this is even a tip, but you’d be surprised how many guys I’ve talked to at parties that smell like haven’t showered or brushed their teeth in a century. Scent is the strongest link to memory – do you really want a girl to remember you smelling like the underside of a homeless man’s ball sack? Yes, I just said ball sack. But, seriously we put so much effort into our appearances so I don’t think it would kill you to put on some Deo for the BO.
DON’T: Be Silly, Wrap Your Willy
In case you haven’t noticed I’m not here to preach about abstinence and stopping underage drinking, but if you want to G.I.N (get it in) then you need to W.I.U. (wrap it up). Yes we all know that it feels better without one, but think about it: there’s nothing more awkward than getting a text the next morning saying, “So uh did you pull out last night? I’m actually not on birth control.” HA – your life sucks harder than she does. Luckily Plan B is going to save your ass, but only if you want to hand over 50 dollars every weekend. Plus, it’s a turn off if the girl asks you to use one and you say you don’t want to. It’s a small price to pay because most girls don’t want to G.I.N. without it. Trust me, when that volcanic moment comes around you’re going to be happy that you had that shiny golden ticket. If you choose to ignore this then I’ll happily watch your paternity suit play out on Maury. “You ARE the baby’s father!” Congrats bud. Besides, that Magnum wouldn’t have fit you anyway.
DO: Keep it in Your Pants
Unfortunately not all girls are DTF in your “smush room” like our girl Snooki. Try not to assume that every girl you take home is going to have sex with you. If that’s the case then 1) you’re just the man or 2) you bang a lot of hoes and should probably get yourself checked for an STD. You deserve a round of applause because you have the clap! Or at least try and put some effort into foreplay. Don’t just whip it out and do a meat spin early into hooking up or chances are, you’ll freak the girl out. At that point you’re pretty much screwed. Don’t call her back until you can learn how to unwrap a starburst with your tongue or make a carousel out of tied cherry stems. Include that skill in the sack and you’re golden – no girl will ever say no to you again.