You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DO: Teach us How to Pwn Noobs
Your dream is our nightmare. It’s midnight on a Friday and instead of you guys hitting on us at parties, you’re camped outside of a store waiting for the newest Call of Duty – not to mention you’re probably standing alongside 12 year-olds and 40 year-old virgins who still live with their moms. You’re in a serious dilemma: to get laid or to play video games, that is the question. All I’ve got to say is that if girls’ sex lives are seriously going to suffer because a new game just came out, then for the love of God, teach us how to play. I’m not about to be a video game widow and mourn the loss of all the men in my life who went to serve their country…playing in a video game. All I want is a boy to Teach me How to Dougie Call of Duty.
Or any game for that matter. It’s nice for girls to get a little testosterone in their system and mess up some guys in WWE or steal some cars in Grand Theft Auto. I can’t speak on behalf of every girl, but I personally love playing video games. Watching Gossip Girl gets old and I’d rather tear some shit up in Madden. It’s a win, win – we get to de-stress a little and you get to watch a hot girl play video games. What more could you possibly ask for? However, on your quest to turn us into gamers please know that you’re supposed to be teaching us, not schooling us. Show off all you want, but if you score 6 goals on a girl in FIFA without teaching her how to play first, she’s going to get annoyed – true story. Too bad another guy taught me how to play and I went back and owned the bastard. Noob my ass.
DON’T: Talk About Your Ex
Your ex-girlfriend, whether she’s Mila Kunis’ twin or was beaten with the ugly stick (hard), is a threat to any girl and taboo in conversation. If you and a girl are getting serious, chances are we’ve stalked the bitch on Facebook and know the whole story behind your relationship anyway – “see friendship” makes stalking oh so efficient and that much creeper. Granted, we’re way hotter than her, but regardless if it’s good or bad, talking about your ex will royally piss your girlfriend off. It shows us 1) you’re not over the chick and 2) we’re just a rebound. Do you think that we really want to hear about how Becky used to order the chicken parm panini at this restaurant and how you still miss her so much? Check please.
But saying nasty things about your ex is okay, right? Wrong. The only thing the girl will be thinking is, “Wow, if we break up is he going to say he hopes I choke on a dick and die too?” NO – do less. Much less. You don’t want to sound like a bitter loser who unfortunately, just got dumped…again.
DO: Put the Toilet Seat Down
If I have to fall into a toilet one more time I’m going to have a shit fit – literally. It’s one thing if you’re in an apartment with all guys, but if you go to a girl’s house or apartment, pretty please take two seconds to put the damn seat down. In case you haven’t noticed, girls weren’t blessed with the magical ability to pee standing up. You guys seriously don’t know how lucky you are. No need to worry about getting poison ivy as you’re drunkenly squatting in a bush outside a party when you have a dick. But who am I kidding? Girls never use the bathroom anyway.
DON’T: Pick a Girl over Sunday Football
I personally hate when girls bitch about how their boyfriends want to spend one measly day out of the week to watch sports with their friends. As a girl, I’m telling you to ignore these bitches and bro it out. Go ahead and order a massive amount of chicken wings, get a case of Natty (because you’re just so classy), and watch some humongous guys tackle the shit out of each other. I’m sure you shared a love for this team long before you met this chick, so I say put your foot down or you’ll be watching re-runs of Keeping up With the Kardashians every Sunday for the rest of your life. I can hear the ten million dollar wedding bells in your future. How romantic. Maybe you guys will actually have a marriage that lasts longer than my manicure. Or go find a girl that will watch football with you – I’m single. Just sayin.