You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DON’T: Be Afraid to Stuff Your Face
Dear (insert your God here),
Thank you for providing us with the ultimate hangover food after getting absolutely plastered on Thanksgiving Eve. Because of you, I can happily offend people with the amount of food I’ll be shoveling into my pumpkin pie hole while simultaneously watching and/or playing football. You are literally The Man. Oh and I guess my friends and family are pretty awesome too.
Amen to that. Happy Thanksgiving Socialities! As all of you guys are pigging out on this wonderful food centered holiday, remember that there is something to be gained from all of this. Thanksgiving is one of the only times where you see a girl channel her inner sumo wrestler and eat her body weight in turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and cookies – the list goes on and on and should probably stop because the growls from my stomach are scaring my dog. Remember what I said about not coming without food?
Here’s a little tip: these girls will say that they’re dieting the second the clock strikes midnight on black Friday, but if you make them your Mom’s secret leftover sandwich recipe I’d say you’re pretty much guaranteed something sweet to eat afterward and I’m not talking about the pumpkin pie. Or don’t forget that it’s THANKSgiving. Go hug that special girl (especially your Mom) and tell her you’re thankful she’s in your life. Throw in that she’s beautiful for some guaranteed #GINning.
DO: Decode Texting Times
This is far from rocket science, but girls will obsess for hours over the difference between a “hey whatsup” and a “heyy.” It’s all because Becky told Sarah who told Jamie who heard from some guy that the “y’s” make all the difference. Believe me, I’m vomming along with you guys. And then, once we’ve taken hours to formulate the perfect “Hey whatsup,” we have to pick a time to send it that shows that a) we’re into you, b) we want to hook up, c) we want to GIN, or if you’re lucky enough d) all of the above. Here are some hidden meanings behind times that every guy should be aware of when texting a girl:
8 AM – 12 PM: If you’re texting a girl at this point in the morning she’s going to get the vibe that you’re into her. Even if you’re answering her drunken illegible text from four in the morning, the same thing applies. A sober morning conversation implies that you thought of her as soon as you woke up and just couldn’t wait to talk to her – or at least your third leg did.
1 PM – 7 PM: A text between these times shows that there’s some potential interest. An afternoon “hey” is a casual way to show the girl that you want to initiate some sort of sober conversation. She’s going to think that maybe, just maybe, you’re not just trying to get into her pants. Or you could be bombed off your ass at a day drink on a Saturday and are looking for some afternoon delight. Will Ferrell would be proud.
8 PM – 12 AM: It’s still early in the night and chances are you’re pouring shots down your throats trying to make your future hook ups less awkward. Getting a text at this point in the night shows that you care enough about us to see what we’re up to even if you are just penciling us in for a midnight hook up.
1 AM – 5 AM: If a girl gets a text at this point she knows she’s a straight up booty (booty booty booty rockin’ everywhere) call. If she seems into it then count your lucky stars because boy you’re about to G.I.N. (get it in). But a word of advice, now that it’s cold out go buy yourself a parka, some snow boots, and a hat because no girl is going to trek through the snow to come to you.
Despite our clear lack of penises, guys are completely capable of cock blocking a girl. No guy likes when a girl who he’s not interested in follows him around and ruins his chances with the slampiece he’s been hitting on all night. The same rules apply for girls. Once upon a time a guy, who for the purposes of this story we’ll call Scott, once told me he wasn’t into me. Yes I know, cry me a river and cue the world’s smallest violin. However, every time I was talking to another guy at a party Scott would come up and tell me how beautiful I am, try and hold my hand, ruin my shots during pong and even told someone that I had a boyfriend. Don’t be Scott or I can guarantee you won’t get the girl. Now Scotty DOES know not to be a cockblock. No wonder Fiona was banging dudes behind his back – Eurotrip anyone?
DO: Still Hang out With a Girl Who Has Her .
Those of you clever boys out there will understand the title. I’ll spare you the bloody details – total pun intended – but just because it’s a girl’s extra special time of the month doesn’t mean that you need to go AWOL. This isn’t The Ring and I promise you’re not going to die in seven days…without sex. There are other things you can do boys. Maybe you should try sitting down and talking to the girl – shocking I know. Think about it, girls are not little BJ fairies that will fly over to your apartment to make you happy while we’re being c*nt punted by mother nature over here. However, if you sit and actually listen to us talk for a little while then maybe her story will have a very happy ending, if you catch my drift.