You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DON’T: Participate in No Shave November
It should really be NO-You-Should-Seriously-Shave-November. Unfortunately, this is probably going to piss most of you off, but if you want to G.I.N. (get it in), then you need to S.I.O. (shave it off). Heed my advice, or the notches in your bedpost are going to stay at a whopping zero, or at least in the single digits – unless some weird chick wants to role-play Beauty and the Beast style. Would you really want to make out with something that looks like King Kong’s ass? I mean, maybe you’re into that whole bestiality thing, in which case, I can’t really help you. Santa’s beard is the only exception, because he gives us all presents. And seriously, who’s trying to G.I.N. with Santa? So unless you’re going to scuttle down my chimney dressed in a red fat suit with a shiny new Xbox or a pony, then I’m coming at you Edward Scissorhands style.
Girls shouldn’t have to bust out machetes and bushwhack in order to find your lips. Speaking of bush-whacking, think about it – girls can participate in the No Shave November fun, too. YUM! I’m sure you loved that visual. If you want an even better one, Google search “Demi Moore bush.” But be forewarned, the nauseating image may cause you to upchuck your lunch into that hot beard you’ve been growing. Have fun washing that out. Or we could just change it up completely with the innovative No Sex November. This can usually get you to pull out those razors faster than you can say Gillete.
DO: Be a Man
Confidence is sexy, and yes, you can be sexy without a foot long beard. You could be the most heinous guy on campus, but if you’ve got some swag in your step then maybe there’s hope. Maybe. Eh, scratch that – if you’re truly that unfortunate looking, then maybe you should work on developing some sort of accent. Bitches love accents. I have no idea what it is about British men that makes us want to take our clothes off, but dayum – five minutes into the conversation, and I’ll be glad to meet you in the loo for a quickie, poppet. Or go play a guitar and serenade me with Beatles songs while simultaneously making froyo. MmMmM…what were we talking about again?
Look at the Old Spice guy: he’s the fuckin’ man, and why is that? Well, besides the bulging pecs, glistening perfect bod and the fact that no other man could look hotter on a horse, the guy knows he’s got it goin’ on. Yes, girls may say they want a “sensitive” guy, but come on. If you cry more than we do, we have a problem. If we wanted to talk to you about your insecurities, you’d be paying us by the hour. Sorry, we want to chill with you, not shrink you. Wait until you’re in a serious relationship to bring out the heavy emotional crap. Instead, talk about how much you love your dog and your mom, and you’ll melt our hearts like butter on a short stack of IHOP pancakes. But the second you scream and/or weep at the sight of a spider, I’m going to pull the notch on my belt one rung tighter, because you are most definitely not getting in these pants. Another tip: if you’re making plans with a girl, don’t be indecisive. Take charge and show us your manly chivalrous side! It’s hot when guys take control. Most importantly, if you’re into her and she offers to pay for the meal or whatever it is you’re doing, pick up the tab. Always. Don’t doubt for a second that our girlfriends don’t ask us post-date, “so did he pay?”
DON’T: Push Our Heads Down…There
I’m going to talk about something that involves your two favorite letters in the English alphabet: B and J. Take your hand out of your pants and listen up. If you’re hooking up with a girl and shit’s getting frisky, then for the love of God, do NOT push her head down. Do you want to completely kill the mood and make us drier than the Sahara desert? We don’t need you to physically show us where to put our heads. If we want to do it, then we certainly will – and you’ll enjoy every minute of it. Here’s a real golden ticket: chances are we’d greatly appreciate a returned favor. Just saying. Scratch our backs, and we’ll scratch yours. Catch my drift? It’s not a one-way street, guys. But seriously, the head push is a HUGE turnoff. Whatever desire we had to go down on you in the first place disappears immediately. Just know, girls do bite.
DO: Text Her First
A girl is probably not going to text you first after a night together, unless she’s ballsy – which is more than I can say for you, so get back to us when you grow a pair. If you wait more than a day to text a girl back, she is NOT going to want you more. She’s going to think you’re not that interested and move on. On the other hand, no (sane) girl wants a stage five clinger who blows up her phone all day and all night long, but soberly texting a girl every now and then isn’t a bad idea. It shows us that you want to talk to us without 10 beers in your system, about something other than sex. It’s not that hard. A simple “how’s your day going?” will earn you serious brownie points. If you establish some sort of a relationship (not a Facebook official relationship, just a simple conversation here and there) with her then she’ll be much more likely to hook up with you again in the future. Girls feel less slutty when they hook up with someone that they actually know, and will justify it with “oh it’s okay because I’m not just a booty call to him.”
Another thing that might blow your mind is that girls don’t want to play games with texting. If you want to text us back right away, then do it. Don’t wait 20 minutes to respond just because we took 18 minutes to answer you. If you’re busy, then just say so, kindly, and we’ll leave you alone. The chase is fun, but the second you open the playing field for games, then proceed with caution, and maybe wear a jockstrap. Girls are black belts in the martial art of mind fucking.