You’re probably all wondering why a girl is blowing up a site meant for Bros, but man are you in for a surprise. I promise not to kill your Morning Wood with all of my pink cotton candy girly bullshiz, even though it’s certainly in there. I may wear dresses and heels, but I think like a guy. I like football and “Family Guy” more than “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” I could probably kick your ass in Madden or drinking and driving a Mario Kart, and I love eating burgers more than the average human being ever should.
I’m not here to tell you that boys are stupid and we should throw rocks at them – even though some of you may deserve it – I’m simply here to help those of you “female challenged” boys start Mackin like Apple. Sound good? Then listen up boys because I’m about to rock your world because there are simple things you can do to severely increase your chances of Getting It In.
DO: Remember a Girl’s Name
“WTF my name isn’t McLovin.” Awkward. Do you really want to be on the other side of that bitch-fest? Nah didn’t think so. It’s so damn simple: a girl is not going to come home with you if you continuously call her Shaniqua when her name is actually Shannon. Come on drunky, it’s really not that hard to remember. Wake up boys, stop thinking about sex for 5 seconds and remember the one thing that will literally make your daydreams come true.
“Say my name, say my name:” those Destiny’s children knew what was up so hop on the damn bandwagon. Try and say the girl’s name a couple times during a conversation – not to the point where you’re freaking her out, but if a guy casually throws in your name once in a while or introduces you to his wingman subconsciously, we’ll think you’re more interested which then makes us more interested. Comprende? Also a word of advice, her eyes are not located on her boobs.
DON’T: Use Pick up Lines
Unless you want to be a sad sad panda then don’t EVER repeat that line. You’re just asking to get a five star on that cute little face of yours. If you’ve made it to this point of the article then you’re my new favorite person. We should totally date and you can tell me how pretty my eyes are. NAHT – gag me. If I hear one more guy ask me if the key necklace I wear is the “key to my heart” then I’m going to puke. No I’m not a Sagittarius, no I am not in your math class, and no there is not a mirror in my pants – if you seriously used that line then 1) go throw yourself off a bridge and 2) how’s that whole virginity thing working out for you?
I understand that it can be intimidating to go up to a girl and start conversation, but have you ever considered just saying “hey?” It seems way too simple and boring and yet it’s very effective. If you see a slampiece at a party and are nervous to approach her try hitting on her via keg line. Your cup is probably empty, she isn’t going anywhere until she gets her beer, and if it’s awkward then you’ll have something to sip on during the silence and she’ll be gone in a few minutes anyway. But chances are you’ll probably ignore me and use one anyway. “Want to taste my dick?” (What!?!). I said “Do you want to taste my drink?” Man that Natty Light has never looked so good…on your face.
DO: Hit on Her Unattractive Friends
Yes, I’m aware that I’m probably am going to Hell for posting the picture above, but think about it: how often do you see a group of girls without a grenade? Sometimes dimes hang out with girls that are beaten with the ugly stick in order to make themselves look better or feel better about themselves. Yeah it’s messed up, but guys do it too. Why would you want a wingman that you constantly have to compete with? Lucky for you there’s something to be gained from this. A guy once told me his moves for picking up hot girls, and after watching him at a party I can personally vouch that this works. Although this strategy can be very effective, I’m going to warn you that you may get a rep for being a d-bag and it could potentially blow up in your face.
Picture this: you’re at a party and a group of girls just walked in. One is smoking hot, the other three or four are cute-ish – emphasis on the ish – and then there’s one very unfortunate looking girl. Clearly one is more attractive than the rest so obviously you run straight over to her, right? WRONG. Instead of hitting on the girl that is used to the most attention, go out of your way to talk more to her not so hot, grenade whistle worthy friends. Now we know where the wild things are (Dom Mazzetti anyone?) This will royally piss the hot one off because you’re not talking to her and she clearly knows that she’s the shit. Nine out of ten times the hot girl will fight to get your attention and come crawling to you. It may sound far-fetched, but I’ve been an eyewitness and girls are pretty predictable. However, there is the slight possibility that she’ll actually think you’re into her friends, get insulted and walk away. Now you’re screwed and may need to drink until she transforms into a goddess. Sucks to suck.
DON’T: Come Without Food
Getting a girl food can surprisingly get you into her pants. As much as we talk about how much we love eating salad – a complete lie – and “oh no, we can’t eat that cookie because it will go straight to our ass,” girls love food. What do you think we do while we’re at sleepovers? Well besides the naked pillow fights, cuddle sessions, and endless talk about how much we just love going down on you, we eat food and LOTS of it. Take a girl out to eat. No guys in college ask girls on official dates so if you use that as a move you’re pretty much guaranteed some sort of action afterward.
It doesn’t have to be some fancy shmancy restaurant with flowers and a five-course meal, because unless she’s a snob she’ll be grateful for the free meal and your company. If you’re feeling cheap, then get her some damn ice cream. Or Froyo, girls go APE SHIT for Froyo. She’ll be so happy and it’ll give you an oh so fantastic visual, but try and keep your boners to a minimum boys, it’s only the first date. If you’re one of those shy guys who need liquid confidence, then go buy her some drunk pizza. Add some toppings and prepare yourself to be showered with love, hugs and kisses. Throw in some buffalo ranch sauce and dayum – sit back and prepare yourself because those clothes are going to fall off faster than you can say “delivery.”