I have to admit that I didn’t expect much out of Comedy Central’s Roast of Charlie Sheen. This is a roast coming from the same network that decided it was a good idea to roast Pam Anderson and David Hasselhoff; Both utterly disappointing fails. But I was pleasantly surprised when I actually laughed at last night’s slanderous festivities. Who takes home the trophy for Most Valuable Roaster? Find out after the jump.
Before you read this, remember that everyone has a different opinion on comedy, but I’ll do my best to justify my choices. Let’s start with the worst and slowly make our way to the best of the night.
A sober Steve-O just isn’t funny. I almost want him to go back to huffing mass quantities of nitrous and sniffing mountains of ketamine. He took the stage and proceeded to look like a newly awakened coma victim for about 5 minutes. When he finally announced he was going to take a hit from Mike Tyson, I jumped for joy…because Steve-O just isn’t funny unless he’s getting hurt or having something shoved up his ass. And then he ruined it by running into Tyson’s fist. The broken nose at the end almost makes up for it, but it just wasn’t enough to justify his presence there.
9. Kate Walsh
While Kate Walsh was a significant step up from Steve-O, I still didn’t understand why she was there. Then again, a lot of the roasters were completely random, but I don’t even consider Walsh a comedian. She stars in crappy medical dramas, and her audience consists of dry, middle-aged women, if there is an audience at all. She’s just a lush with a face that says “one night stand.” Honestly, she was really just brought there as a target for other roasters’ jokes.
8. Patrice O’Neal
Patrice definitely gets the award for best sport. For some reason, he drew more insults than anyone else at the roast, including Charlie himself. Most of them were completely racist, but it’s a roast – anything goes. When it came time for him to shoot back, he defended himself, but just couldn’t outshine the jokes that were spouted at his expense. I had more fun laughing at him than with him. Sorry Patrice.
7. Jon Lovitz
Jon Lovitz is funny, but no substitute for the deadpan delivery of Norm MacDonald. You knew Norm was doing his job right when no one in the audience was laughing – the jokes were so dry that they would just fly right over everyone’s stupid little heads. Lovitz goes for a similar style, but just doesn’t deliver it as well. Instead of zero laughs he gets mixed feelings, which in my opinion is even more awkward. When he popped out the “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men” line, I wanted to asphyxiate myself. That joke was funny when the first person on Twitter decided to say it back in March…since then, ehh, not so much.
6. Seth MacFarlane
I’ll admit that, while I’m not the biggest fan of Seth MacFarlane, he did his job fairly well. Dude went up there, roasted each roaster before their given time, and didn’t try too hard to be funny…which I know is his thing from three completely mindnumbing cartoons that define his entire career (with the exception of his role in Hellboy 2, that was some good shit). Sorry Family Guy Enthusiasts, Peter Griffin just isn’t funny. He gets a nice average rating in my book. I’m being generous.
5. Amy Schumer
Okay, so I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: women just aren’t funny. Sorry ladies, but it’s true, you just aren’t built for comedy. In fact, I get this really uneasy feeling in my stomach when women take a crack at making jokes. It makes me wanna go curl up in a dark corner, close my eyes tight, and plug my ears with two sharpened pencils. But I’ll give some credit to Amy Schumer: she didn’t make me wanna end my life so bad. Everyone here at Campus Socialite HQ is praising her, so I’ll give her some props. She definitely killed it when she compared Charlie Sheen to Bruce Willis: “You were big in the ’80s, and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” Schumer actually pushed it a little too far when she busted out a joke about the late Ryan Dunn in front of Steve-O…needless to say, he didn’t laugh.
4. Jeff Ross
Jeff Ross does bear a striking resemblance to ex-Libyan autocrat Moammar Gadhafi, but is the dude seriously relying on physical gimmicks for laughs? Apparently so. Regardless, the professional roaster shined last night. But then again, Ross basically admitted that he had eight chances to perfect his Sheen jokes when he joined the Warlock’s “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. So he already knew what would or wouldn’t work. If anyone reading this attended one of the shows, let us know what got repeated so we can get angry about it for absolutely no good reason. Comedy Central also killed much of Ross’ act by slapping his jokes in every single commercial. He gets to be #4 though, specifically for this gem: “Charlie if you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. Only time your kids get to see you is in re-runs. Charlie, don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?”
3. William Shatner
Whoever thought Captain Kirk could be so damn funny? This is about the part where people start seriously disagreeing with me, but Shatner killed it in my opinion. He got really raunchy for an old dude, delving into prostitutes, kidney stone houses, and I died laughing when he called Sheen a “young Mexican.” He went on to talk about how he made out with black chicks, let Asians drive, and popped out this winner: “I was willing to wait a long time to get into the right projects….just like Patrice O’ Neal’s family.” He even let out a “who’s the warlock now, bitch?” and plugged Priceline. Saw that one coming.
2. Mike Tyson
You might hate me for this one, but I’m giving Mike Tyson the award for MVP. He was brought there as cannon fodder for everyone else’s jokes, took them like the champ he is, and didn’t completely fail when it was his turn to roast everyone back. Of course, it’s almost impossible to understand a word he says, but that just adds to the comedic flavor. Iron Mike recited poetry, purposely misquoted Shakespeare, couldn’t pronounce a single “S” and owned Jeff Ross really hard: “Jeffrey Ross…usually when I see a face that grotesque, it’s after a fight. His performance was so bad, I wish I had bitten my own ears off.” He stole the show by speaking out of turn every few minutes and clapping like a circus seal. Well played, Tyson.
1. Anthony Jeselnik
And then there’s #1: a completely unknown comedian who writes for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and definitely takes the award for best improvised line of the night. When no one got his Mike Tyson/Richard Pryor reference, Patrice O’Neal blurted out “there are too many white people in here.” Jeselnik pulled the ad-lib and retorted with “Want to know what no one ever complains about? Too few black people.” It’s right on the line of totally inappropriate, but sometimes those are the best roast moments. Jeselnik went on to the next logical joke: “Charlie, the only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” The combination of his completely straight face, monotone delivery, and “I don’t really give a fuck” attitude made him the #winningest roaster of the night. I half-expect his career to skyrocket right about now.