2011 is quickly drawing to a close, and we’re all ready to celebrate. But before we can get to all the new year’s shenanigans, I think this year deserves to be looked back upon lovingly, possibly with a firm assgrab before we send her on the walk of shame. We figured the best way to do that is to pick out and highlight famous people who have made 2011 their bitch, so without further ado, here are the Top 10 Socialites of the Year.
10. Anthony Weiner
Hard to put politics aside when you’re talking about a politician, but if there’s any politician this year that jumped the alley in Socialite, it’s Anthony Weiner. After a year in which it was discovered that Weiner owed over $2,000 in parking tickets (sticking it to the man while you are the man), Weiner thought he would top himself off with a public, Twitter-based sex scandal, the first of it’s kind for a well known politician. Innovation always gets props here, and I’ll even do it without a “Weiner” joke.
Weiner’s wife goes by the name of Huma Abedin. Huma also works in politics but that doesn’t stop her from being model hot, being featured in Vogue Magazine, and turning down George Clooney for a date. You can see why in the picture above, but for a boss like Anthony Weiner, one babe ain’t enough. Especially when Ginger Lee is an option.
Weiner took to the airwaves and had sexually-themed conversations with over 6 different girls, even sending a few Twitpic dick-shots. Not the most intelligent thing for a politician to do, and after his initial Deny Til You Die policy, Weiner eventually gave up his seat in congress. Cool? Maybe not, but if you had a slammin wife at home, 6 girls on Twitter begging you for pics, and an entire nation arguing over whether or not your cock was hard, I bet you’d feel pretty boss. Got to keep Huma in the end too.
9. Donald Glover (AKA Childish Gambino)
Tyler, The Creator and Watch The Throne might have got all the love this year, but in our minds, there was no better album this year than Camp by Childish Gambino. If you’ve never heard of Donald Glover, shame on you, because this kid raps like Biggie, dresses like Johnny Depp, writes comedy like Louis C.K., and can crack you up like Jim Carrey. He is literally the full package of entertainment talent. Don’t believe us? Let me take you through a year in the life of Donald Glover AKA Troy Barnes AKA Childish Gambino.
February was all about Childish Gambino, with the release of a new EP titled Be Alone featuring single “Freaks And Geeks.” “Freaks And Geeks” took off like a rocket and became Gambino’s first Music Video, directed by Dan Eckman of DerrickComedy. Did I mention Donald was in DerrickComedy? The song was used in an Adidas commercial featuring Dwight Howard, making Childish Gambino, after years of free track downloads and no cred, a household name.
Childish might have just started taking off but Donald Glover and Troy Barnes needed no spike in publicity. Donald was already writing for The Daily Show at age 22, and writing for 30 Rock at the age of 23, all through 2009, when he bagged the role of Troy Barnes on Community. Community might have reached a bitter end this year, being put on indefinite hiatus, but anyone who’s watched 15 minutes of one episode will tell you it is hands down, the funniest show on TV. It’s no coincidence that Donald Glover just happens to play the best character on the show. 2011’s season 3 of Community was its best season yet. Watch the clip above and try not to download every minute ever filmed.
Towards the year’s end, it was back to Childish Gambino, with the release of his first physical album, Camp. I mentioned in the 1st paragraph that this was hands down the best Rap album of the year, and as much as you’d like to believe I’m exaggerating for the sake of this article, I’m not. Do you know any other rapper who can reference The Rugrats, NPR, and Human Centipede in one song? I don’t. What about one that writes a lyric like “I made the beat and killed it, Casey Anthony.” or “I’m rap’s stepfather, you hate me but you will respect.?” Nope. Donald doesn’t rap about being Bentleys, champagne, and caviar. He’s rapping about real shit, and not like every other rapper you hear speak is talking about “Real Shit.” Actually real shit. Check out the Video for “Bonfire” and tell me you don’t love it. Or “You could fuckin kiss my ass, Human Centipede.” – Childish Gambino.
8. Alec Baldwin
Alec Baldwin was our late pick. He spent the majority of 2011 out of the limelight, sulking in the twilight of his fantastic career. There’s no doubt that he’s the man, but up until recently he hadn’t done anything to prove it to us. But just a few short weeks ago he got himself kicked off an American Airlines flight when he refused to stop playing Words With Friends. Then came the shit storm. Alec took to Twitter with a rant that would end with his account’s deactivation. Here are some highlights:
@AlecBaldwin Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving. #nowonderamericaairisbankrupt.
@AlecBaldwin Now on the 3 o’clock American flight. The flight attendants already look…..smarter.
@AlecBaldwin #theresalwaysunited Last flight w American. Where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950’s find jobs as flight attendants.
@AlecBaldwin United shud hav app onboard where u can play WWF w other passengers. American shud have app where u read the new testament w flt attendants
A few days after that he popped up on SNL as American Airlines pilot Steve Rogers, apologizing to Alec Baldwin for the harsh treatment:
Since then, the buzz around him has calmed down a bit, but there’s no denying that Baldwin is a baller. He does what he wants, has no shame, and doesn’t give two shits what people think about it. And for that, he definitely belongs on this list.
7. Mark Cuban
Mark Cuban could make a run for Socialite of The Decade. Socialite Of The Century. The multi-billionaire, Dallas Mavericks owner, serial NBA fine victim, cameo actor, and all-around playboy belongs on any top 10 people of the year list, but is no more perfect for any list but this one. Dude is the full package, full time, but in the interest of not writing a 300 page biography, let’s try to just focus on 2011.
Cuban guest starred in multiple episodes of Entourage in 2010, as Mark Cuban looking to invest in and succesfully investing in the Tequila company, Tequila Avion. In 2011, and Entourage’s final season, Mark didn’t make an appearance until episode 7 “Second to Last” when Avion sold and Mark Cuban once again went from investor to Billionaire winner. It might have been fake but it was so true to Mark Cuban’s actual life and happened in such epic fashion that it might as well have been an actual event. Plus, guest starring in Entourage is a Socialite move, any day of the week.
Now for the important stuff. The Mark Cuban event of 2011 that will be remembered for all of history: the NBA championship victory. After owning the Dallas Mavericks for 11 years, competing during almost every single one of them, and being fined 1.6 Million dollars for 13 separate incidents, the Mavericks over-came the stacked up and nationally loathed Lebron James lead Miami Heat. Winning an NBA championship is a mountain-sized accomplishment in itself, but beating the most hated team in America and making Lebron James look like a 3-quarter baller, that is fucking Socialite.
If that wasn’t enough, Cuban tweeted out the above picture from his private jet. He might be #7 on this list, but on the list of dudes I wish were my dad, Mark is #1.
6. Derek Jeter
Yankee fan, Red Sox fan, some other team fan, non-baseball fans. No matter, we can all collectively agree that Derek Jeter is pretty much the man. He has 5 World Series rings, he’s a 12 time All-Star, he’s the captain of the winningest team in professional sports history, and he’s banged more supermodels and actresses in real life than you’ve jerked off too. When it comes to the study of Socialite Life, Derek Jeter is a gentleman and a scholar. It’s one thing when every girl in NY has your poster on their wall. It’s another one every dude in NY does too.
When you’re talking about a dude who’s made every year since he entered the majors his bitch, saying that 2011 might have been his best speaks worlds. Don’t worry I’m not talking about hitting stats. Derek started the year off by holding out and convincing the Yankees to sign him to a 3-year contract following his worst statistical season and at the age of 37. Do you know anyone who gets paid millions of dollars just for being who they happen to be? That’s Derek Jeter for ya.
Then came the 2011 season. In the midst of what is sure to be his last contract and entering the hall-of-fame even if he managed to bat 0 for 3 years, Derek Jeter had absolutely nothing to prove in 2011. Did that make him lose the tiniest smidge of the intensity that he has carried for his entire career, and intensity that makes Bobby Valentine look like Herm Edwards. Hell no! Derek started off slow but bounced back with a .297 BA for the season (very respetable for a 37-year old), another Gold Glove, and on July 9th, slammed a home-run off David Price of Tampa Bay to become the 28th player in MLB history with 3,000 hits. Oh yeah, he also went 5 for 5 on the same day.
I know what you’re thinking, enough with all the Baseball. To make the Socialite of The Year list, you must transcend your day job. Do something truly amazing on and off the field. In that respect, 2011 was no slouche year for Derek Jeter. After years and years of banging every female celebrity in New York, Derek was finally going to settle down with Minka Kelly, an actress that could compete for hottest girl on the planet. Take one look at the picture above. Who wouldn’t marry her? Despite everything looking smooth, Derek makes a decision last second and bails. Faced with the opportunity to get in bed with Minka Kelly every night for the rest of your life, and you’ve got better options. I’d donate both my testicles to be that dude.
Then, long post-relationship mourning period? Not Derek Jeter. Minka hasn’t even picked up her stuff before the news breaks that Derek Jeter is bringing girls back to his NYC apartment, a different one every night, and sending them home the next day with a Derek Jeter signed baseball. The New York media might have wanted to take away his title of classiest guy in sports, but everyone knows they couldn’t help but smirk when they read the headlines. You can’t get more dude than Derek Jeter.
5. The Most Interesting Man in the World
Okay, so technically Dos Equis has been running advertisements with the Most Interesting Man in the World since 2006, but they only went national in 2009, and it took even longer for the videos to snowball into a cultural sensation – finally hitting 1,000,000 views on YouTube in March of last year.
Since then, the Most Interesting Man in the World (AKA Jonathan Goldsmith) has been parodied countless times, and gained legendary status as one of the Internet’s favorite image macros:
It seems like there’s no end in sight for the phenomenon: the MIMITW only gets more and more popular as time passes. He’s one of Socialites of the Year for 2011, but who’s to say he won’t also be here next year, and the year after that, and so on and so forth? Hell, there’s there a little bit of the Most Interesting Man in all of us.
4. Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen popped back into public view in late 2010 when he started going on cocaine-induced sex binges with porn stars and destroying hotel rooms for fun. His show “Two and a Half Men” went on hiatus so he could go through rehab, and when he came back it was clear that the show’s producer Chuck Lorre no longer wanted him around. Things got a little crazy after that. Sheen went from relegated-to-television to #Winning in February 2011 when he did a series of manic interviews that popularized his now-famous language which consisted of words like “Winning”, “Tiger Blood”, “goddesses”, and much, much more:
The Internet ate it up. People remixed the interviews, immortalized the actor in pictures that bore his trademark phrases, and when he joined Twitter a few days later he completely shattered the world record for “Fastest Time to Reach 1 Million Followers.” He left Two and a Half Men and went on his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat is Not An Option” Tour, which broke Ticketmaster records by selling out in 18 minutes. He was the host of Gathering of the Juggalos. A few months later he was the subject of a Comedy Central Roast:
Now he’s working on his own show for FX called “Anger Management” that’s slated for a 2012 premiere. I’d say it was definitely this guy’s year.
3. The Dude Who Shot Osama Bin Laden
I know liberals. I know conservatives. I know pro-war people. I know anti-war people. But for one day in 2011, May 1st to be exact, everyone in America suddenly had something in common, something to celebrate together. Osama Bin Laden, the man that masterminded the most deadly attack on American soil in history, one that killed thousands of innocent people, leaving behind thousands more in family and friends, was killed in a Pakistani compound by American soldiers.
Thanks to live Tweets by some dude that didn’t even know what he was Tweeting about (can’t make that one up) and little bits of information released by the government, Americans helicoptered in to the compound and killed a few armed terrorists before a lone gunmen snuck upstairs to find Bin Laden and did the deed that everyone in America has hoped for for the last 10 years. End game.
There’s not much I can say about this soldier because nobody knows who exactly he is. The information is of course confidential and if he’s true to his oath, there are an extremely few amount of people in this world who know the names of the troops that invaded the compound, none the less the one who pulled the trigger. That’s fine though. He could be anyone, anywhere, in any walk of life. One thing we know is that he’s the #3 Socialite Of The Year. Salute!
Electronic musician Skrillex became a cultural icon in 2011. Just one year ago, no one knew who he was. Now he’s the face, glasses, and awkward undercut of the new rave generation, and a 5-time Grammy nominated musician. At the end of 2010 he released his second EP “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites” and was signed to Deadmau5’s Mau5trap Records – that’s when his career started to skyrocket. This year alone he made serious moves: headlined the “Project Blue Book Tour” with support from Porter Robinson, Tommy Lee and DJ Aero, produced Korn’s newest track “Get Up,” started his own label – OWSLA, remixed some huge tracks (Avicii’s “Levels,” Benny Benassi’s “Cinema,” Mortal Kombat’s “Reptile Theme”), collaborated with The Doors (“Breaking a Sweat”), Kaskade (“Lick It”), and Knife Party (“Zoology”), and generally just marketed himself like a beast.
You may think he looks like a freak, but strangely enough, it’s that weirdness that has made him such a recognizable symbol in EDM today. Some of you may hate me for this, but he has definitely left artists like Avicii and Afrojack in the dust, and has even surpassed his own mentor Deadmau5 in popularity. Now he’s up for 5 Grammys, including: Best New Artist, Best Dance Recording, Best Dance/Electronica Album, Best Remixed Recording, and even Best Music Video for “First of the Year (Equinox).”
2011 has been quite the year for electronic music and the dubstep subgenre, and Skrillex is the captain of the ship. For that, he comes in a close second place for Socialite of the Year.
1. Kate Upton
And the Socialite of the Year is, without a doubt, Kate Upton. This 19-year-old model went from complete unknown to international superstar overnight, and will be the focus of men’s eyes and masturbation sessions for years, if not decades, to come. Let’s list the many achievements of Kate Upton in 2011: 1. being the sexiest thing on the face of the planet, 2. “Rookie of the Year” in the 2011 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, 3. Esquire’s “The Woman of the Summer,” 4. did the Dougie at a LA Clippers game in a video that went super-viral.
Wait, I’m not done yet: 5. was the face of Guess Jeans, 6. modeled for Beach Bunny Swimwear, 7. got dirty on the farm for Complex Magazine, 8. guest starred on Tosh.0, 9. got her first two movie parts in Tower Heist and The Three Stooges, 10. most recently, was rumored to be dating Mark Sanchez, and 11. totally broke the Internet with her unrivaled hotness.
I wish I had the room to post everything she’s ever done in here (including every last video and picture), but it just wouldn’t be fair to turn a top 10 list into the Kate Upton Show. So instead you’ll have to deal with clicking through to lots of links…you won’t regret it. Did I mention that she’s also a champion horse rider? True story.