This is your Captain (Morgan) speaking and I’m here to tell you about the simple little things you can do to severely increase your chances of getting it in – even during finals week when the entire girl population is locked away in the library. From manscaping to morning sex, these tips require little to no skill and maybe a few dollars out of your wallet but sometimes you’ve got to pay a tiny little price if you want that shiny golden wrapper in there to ever see some action.
Do: Go to the Library
I’m not trying to be your mommy and tell you to actually do some work in college, I’m simply trying to help you get laid during the week where every girl will be partying in Club (insert your library name here) and not in your pants. Bitches love the library. They love bitching about the library, making statuses about the library and even tweeting about the library. Your library probably has it’s own twitter thanks to one of it’s devoted girl fans on your campus.
So how can you use this to your advantage, you ask? You can get your ass to the one place that will be swarming with more girls than a Justin Bieber concert. These girls are on the edge of having a total bitch fit and what could cure one of those better than you magically appearing with some coffee or froyo? If you surprise a girl with one of those two things then she will think you’re the greatest guy who’s ever lived. To get some serious brownie points, bring some for her friends too. I know that you’re a broke college kid, but just think about how she can help you study some “anatomy” later on. Or throw some Adderall into the mix and be prepared to get jumped in the stacks on stacks on stacks.
DON’T: Be Bare…Down There
To shave or not to shave, that is the question. I’ll make it easy for you: don’t. Yes it may make your dick look bigger, but it’s called PUBErty for a reason guys. I hate to break it to you but you’re probably not a porn star, body builder or underwear model so there is no need for you to be totally bare down there. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m all for a little bit of manscaping. Go ahead and shave your hairy chest or pluck your manibrow but think about it, do you really want razor burn on your balls? Plus, no girl wants to ride on top of your stubble once it starts to grow back. Ouch. But for the record, I’m NOT advocating for massive bushes here. It’s the Christmas season and you might as well trim your tree.
DO: Have Morning Sex
Are you really going to let a little morning breath put your morning wood to waste? Chances are you probably do look better with the lights off, but are you going to bitch out and let a perfect GINning opportunity pass you by? No. Be a man and make a move. Girls love morning sex, but aren’t going to be the ones to initiate it. If you’re able to make a girl feel sexy with her messed up hair, last night’s makeup, and potential hangover then you my friend, are a champ. Screw going out with a bang, start your morning with one. Like they say, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
DON’T: Try to Make Her Jealous
If you are hooking up with a girl then you should not be all over someone else in front of her. Contrary to what you might think, she isn’t going to come over and have a sexy girl on girl wrestling match in order to claim you as her man. I mean if that’s actually happened to you then you’re mackin’ harder than Steve Jobs (too soon?) and probably shouldn’t be reading this article. Come on, stop lying to yourself and go back to the Redtube flagged in your other tab. It’s not going to happen and will just royally piss the girl off. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for playing a little hard to get, but if you’re trying to come home with us then keep your hands off her.