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van wilder

College lasts 4 years for most of us. 6 for some, 7 for Tommy Boy and Van Wilder. Through these 4 years a lot of growing, learning, drinking and general madness ensues. As every student makes their way through college, they go through stages. Circumstances and mentality change with every passing year and slowly they evolve from dumb impressionable teen, to jaded, grizzled, liver transplanted Man Teen. Below, The Campus Socialite takes you through this 4 stage journey. It might sound familiar. Fasten your seat belts.

 

Freshman

You buy all the required textbooks, strap on your ratty old Jansport, and you’re ready for college. You pledge chastity to your high school sweetheart of 3 years who you gave a promise ring too as her Bat Mitzvah present. That lasts until the first Saturday night, where you squeeze in a make out before the girl down the hall passes out drunk on your common room couch. You call your girlfriend to break up, but it’s no big deal, because she blew a frat guy the night before while 3 of his friends watched. A lot more drinking, a trip to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning, and you’ve made it to Winter Break.

Second semester turns out a little better. You get seduced by the local fraternity with promises of easy bar entry, all the hot girls you can imagine (high school GF wont return your calls), and lots of study time during pledging. As it turns out there’s neither time for studying or banging while your getting paddled, sleeping in basements, and drinking enough Natty Light to feed Somalia. At the end of it all, you are a brother and every sorority chick on the block is yours for the picking. Your GPA is a 1.4.

 

Sophomore

college party

Your back from your first Summer Break and it’s time to rage. You’ve moved into the Frat House now, and it’s a party every night. Thirsty Thursdays, 40’s and Blunts Fridays, Drink Your Face Off for No Reason in Particular Saturdays. You’ve got pocket full of Slam-Pieces and you haven’t spent a dime on any of them (high school GF still wont return your calls). First semester ends without a hitch and your GPA is back to the mid-2’s area.

Second Semester kicks off about the same. Your finally aloud to fuck with the new pledges so you never have to pick up a single solo cup or do a single piece of laundry. One shrinks the shirt your high school GF got you for your 17th Birthday and you make him do 50 pushups, try not to cry. You do your first Spring Break with the entire Frat and shit goes wild. You get alcohol poisoning again on Night 1. On Night 2, one of your pledge brothers hits on a girl you were talking to and you give him a black-eye, but it’s cool, because you’re brothers. The year ends and your GPA is approaching 3.0. Your health insurance considers dropping you.

 

Junior

passed out

You move out of the big Frat House into one of the smaller ones with a few choice brothers. Shit starts out relaxed but then you are made Pledge Master for the group on incoming pledges. While you’re not reciting the Greek Alphabet and manning the paddle, you start hooking up with one particular girl more than the others. After a going into a jealous rage when she gives a dude from the house down the road a handjob, you decide to be exclusive. You check the posting on your Facebook wall to see if your High School Girlfriend comments but to no avail. You go completely soft on the pledges, your Frat brothers call you a pussy, but you don’t care because you love her.

Second Semester, the two of you basically move in together. Your Frat brothers start to question you about not being around anymore (after they made you Treasurer and all) but you spend all your time cuddling and having 5 minutes of sex a night. She goes to study one night with a good-looking dude form her class and you break his windshield with a garbage can lid. You break up, and apologize to all your Frat brothers for not being around as much. You average half a bottle of Jack Daniels a night (High School Girlfriend still wont return your calls), and after one more trip to the Emergency Room, decide you’re never dating again. Your GPA is a 1.4.

 

Senior

graduates

College is winding down and there are 2 goals on your mind: party as much as possible and rescue your GPA from the dumps. These things never seem to coincide with one another, and you eventually decide on partying above all else. You’re an OG in the Frat now, so the the pledges make house calls, bringing you all the Chinese food and beer you need. You hook up with a Freshman one night and scandal ensues when you find out she was 17 and not 21 like her license said she was. No charges are pressed. Your pledge brother are now old and jaded like you, so you drink a lot of craft beer, Grey Goose, and smoke a ton of pot. Your Slam-Piece bank starts to grow again.

Second Semester comes and you are officially a grown ass man. It’s time to start sending out resumes and looking for internships and all those things adults do. You worked at your dad’s college buddy’s company all winter break and not it’s time to buckle down and finish up all those left over electives in stellar fashion. Nah. You go out like a fucking boss, drinking 4 nights a week, smoking 3 blunts a day, and watching all the Family Guy and South Park re-runs your eyes can handle. You study for half an hour per final, pass them all by 5-10 points, and you are ready for graduation. You won’t find a job for a good year, so the party continues. You wake up at 12, eat lunch around 3, and then hit the local bar with all your home buddies. You run into your High School Girlfriend who is now engaged and pregnant. You take 5 shots of Patron in response.

man teen

You are now a certified Man Teen. Get ready for a long life of Beer-B-Qs, 4 hours of sleep nights, and hitting on girls that are way younger than you. There are any number of Man Teen Movies to show you how to do it right, but first check out Man Teen from Campus Socialite TV, right below. Watch the rest of the episodes by clicking Man Teen in the previous sentence. Good luck on your future Endeavors Man Teens. Party and Fuck while you still got it:

 

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Tags : CollegeFraternities and sororitiesFraternityGPAGrade (education)High Schoolman-teenSpring BreakStudenttommy boyvan wilder
Kathrina

The author Kathrina

Kathrina is an enthusiast of all-things college lifestyle. She's the expert!

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