Stage five clingers are the worst fucking experience anybody could possibly endure. They are constantly hooked onto you, and annoying as shit. Now, while “stage five clinger” is the usual terminology, you have to assume that there are four other levels preceding it. I have broken down all needy girls into stages of clingers from one to five. Keep in mind that these are all clingy girls of varying intensity – so don’t expect stage one to be “the perfect woman.” Although constant attention from a girl is pretty hot, there is a certain line that you do not cross. Use this as a guide to find out if a recent or future hookup is a clinger…you will be forever grateful.
The stage one clinger is not so bad. She is usually a girl you know, but really haven’t met…if you understand what I mean. For example, you’re walking into class and you hold the door open (like a fucking gentleman) for a girl. About ten to fifteen minutes later, you get a friend request from that girl…a little weird. This girl then proceeds to like every status you make on Facebook…even the statuses that should not be liked. “JP Rose is RIP Grandpa”…Creepy Bitch likes this. No, thumbs down to you, you stage one clinger. In the long run, stage one clingers are not awful, but they are creepy as shit…especially on various social networks.
The stage two clinger is a step up from stage one (obviously). These girls do everything that stage one clingers do, but to a more extreme extent. Stage two clingers will poke you on Facebook (constantly) and their means of communication will be via Facebook chat or messages. The communication will NEVER be public, so if you tell your friends how creepy this girl is, they will say there is no physical evidence to prove it…better bust out your chat logs. Then comes the breaking point: She asks for your number. You can do one of two things…you can tell her no, and the clinging may stop. Or, you can give her the number and give her the potential to move up to stage three, you dumbass.
Stage three clingers start to get extremely weird and psycho-ish. Now that they have your number, you’re pretty fucked. The clinger will text you more than is socially accepted. Don’t confuse this with a girl who is actually trying to get to know you; there is a huge difference. The major signals for a stage three clinger is the oh-so-famous “double text.” If you leave for five minutes and you come back to more than two text messages asking the same question or repeated phrases…she’s clinging. Stage three clingers also call you on a constant basis. You’ll go to the gym and get out to check your phone to see you have four texts and six missed calls…from the same clinging bitch. What does she want? She “just wanted to see what you are doing”…ugh.
Stage four is when shit gets really crazy. She will show up unannounced to hang out or “accidentally” run into you at a restaurant or your place of work. You may look out a window and see her looking at you, rub your eyes, and then she’s gone – fucking scary movie style. Stage four is walking the line of an absolute stalker. If you go out to a party or bar, she is always there and constantly bumping into you. If you go to the bathroom, she is posted outside the bathroom with her posse, as if they were waiting for you to walk by. This clinger is always around you, even if you don’t see her…so watch what you say and do, because she may be a serial killer in the making.
Virgin. And if not a virgin, then very fucking close. These clingers are the cream of the crop and if you happen to find yourself involved with one of them, congratulations: you are a dumbass. They do all of the activities of the prior stages, but with one bonus characteristic: they seem suicidal if they are not around you one hundred percent of the time. Stage fivers are a rare breed, but it’s like the Chupacabra…you don’t think it exists, but when you see one it scares the shit out of you. This is the situation you can get yourself into – Avoid at all costs.
Follow this guide and make sure your new hookup or special someone isn’t a potential clinger. And always keep in mind: Jeffrey Dahmer was a stage two clinger one time…shit can get real serious. Don’t let that happen to you.