In honor of Jersey Shore‘s season premiere tonight, we’re rating all the ladies of the Shore based on the total package, that is the combination of their looks, attitude, skankiness, and cool factor. We’ve put a lot of thought into this, so if you don’t like it, piss off. Just a reminder: 10 is the best, 1 is just straight-up terrible. Let’s get it in!
Granted, she’s not the ugliest girl on the shore, but she’s got the personality of a workhorse and a voice that makes me wish I was born deaf, or even better – without ears. And we can’t be sure of this, but she’s probably got the most disgusting vajayjay for miles around; there’s a reason she’s called “The Staten Island Ferry” – everyone gets a ride. She got kicked off the show 2 seasons in a row, most likely because she’s a crazy annoying bitch who tries to start drama. Typical.
2. Stalker Danielle
The crazy Israeli chick followed Pauly D around during the first season…then she came back in season 3 to do it all over again. She doesn’t have much in the looks department, and her unrivaled clinginess is grounds to make her number 2. The only reason she’s not the worst is because she’s just not as slutty as Angelina. You gotta give a few extra points to the girl with indestructible morals and the will of a IDF officer.
The “Blast in a Glass” has only been around for one season, but she definitely grew on us fast. Besides her Snooki-like drunk antics, Deena also has a heart of gold…along with a nice pair of boobs and a firm ass. Sure she isn’t the hottest girl on the shore (by far), but she’s got it where it counts.
The most adorable little orange munchkin that ever lived. Snooki‘s got a raging case of alcoholism, and can hardly keep from embarrassing herself every few minutes, but maybe that’s what we find so endearing about her. While she’s not the type of girl we’d ever wanna give it to, let alone bring home to mom and dad, we’ll always have a special place in our hearts for her…actually, maybe a spot in the liver is more accurate.
5. Melissa Sorrentino
The Situation’s little sister is awesome. She’s kinda sexy, friendly, and everything that Sitch isn’t. No wonder Vinny, the nicest dude in the house, took a liking to her. Unfortunately, that doesn’t negate the fact that she is the Situation’s sibling, and the thought of that sends shivers up our spines. I mean, imagine getting it in with her and then accidentally thinking about the Situation…then you realize that they look similar…followed by complete boner shock.
Despite the fact that she hooked up with Vinny and made Snooki go into a jealous love-rage, Ryder has a great head on her shoulders. She definitely doesn’t fit in with the rest of the Jersey Shore crew, but that’s probably a good thing. Ryder doesn’t fight for camera time, which means she’s not the type of girl who needs constant attention, and that shit is hard to find. By the way, she looks super skanky in this MySpace pic.
Sammi is a lying, conniving, annoying-voiced, cheating tramp. She is one of the worst things to happen to the shores of Seaside Heights since the spray tan. Watching her and Ronny fight, episode after episode, season after season is mind-numbing. But at the end of the day, being the hottest full-time cast member on the show lands you in at least the top 5. Shallow? Welcome to the Campus Socialite. Editor’s note: “Sammi” refers to Sammi during Seasons 2, 3 and 4. Season 1 Sammi is a separate issue.
You know when Pauly D takes a 3 week break from banging grenades, the girl has to be something special. Rocio came into the scene late in Season 3. You know how all of your friends’ girlfriends suck ass except for that one? One of your friends has that girl and she’s not the hottest thing on two legs, but she’s damn cute and she’s one of the dudes. Plus she looks damn good in leopard thong bikini (pictured above).
The Maxim Hot 100’s only Jersey Shore-related inclusion. Probably the only girl from Jersey on the list too. JWOWW ranked in at a modest #78, but for a girl with an average face and some broad-ass shoulders, #78 makes a statement. JWOWW has a killer body, plastic it may be, but more importantly, she’s fucking sexy. The outfits, the two-tone hair of Season 1, the look and feel of a slut without the actual slut. JWOWW wasn’t getting a career as a super model but you don’t see anyone turning her down at the bars either. Cool factor, the body, and a deep love of leather put JWOWW at #9. Not bad for the house mommy.
We may never see Ramona again. She’s back in Miami now and nobody leaves Miami to come to New Jersey. Just ask Lebron James. But for as long as this show goes on, nobody is going to top Ramona. Secretly, all dudes love strippers, hot or not so hot. Ramona is the total package. We met her in Season 3 when she gave Vinny her number and then blew him off for a date. The goofy guido who isn’t even all that jacked doesn’t get the model-hot stripper. All is right in the world. Somehow though, Vinny manages to pull it off and we got 6 full episodes of wonderful Ramona. Hottest girl on the show, pretty damn cool, and willing to date someone drastically less attractive. Ramona is the total package.