Entire office is officially dying right now. Not that anyone that reads this site should be able to relate to this ad in any way shape or form, but I suppose we can all imagine the embarrassment of going to a Super Bowl party with your girlfriend and not knowing what a quarterback does. No? Just testing you. Well someone out there doesn’t know what a quarterback does, and he actually posted a Craigslist ad offering someone $500 to teach him so he can impress his girlfriend and her ex boyfriend at his Super Bowl party. I’m not even kidding.
The ad was flagged and taken down early this morning. Probably for being just too sad and pathetic to be exposed to normal, red-blooded Americans. The kid explains that he told his girlfriend and her ex that he played quarterback in college and despite watching clips and reading ESPN.com, he still has no idea what a quarterback does. Also, the ex played linebacker in college so he’s offering even more money if someone can explain what that is too. An extra $100 if they can send him texts with clever comments during the game as well.
The strangest part is that he says that the reason he needs to be so impressive in his football knowledge is that he thinks his girlfriend still likes her ex. He was a linebacker in college and you can’t watch an ESPN clip and discern what a quarterback does, so I can’t imagine why. He also adds that she cheated on him, with the dude who’s party they are going to, in the beginning of the relationship, so his need to fake football knowledge is even more important, presumably because she might just head to the bathroom during halftime and give her ex a handy unless he can accurately compare Tom Brady to Eli Manning. This is just too sad to post, but we’re doing it anyway. You won’t believe what you are reading.
My girlfriend and I were just invited to a Super Bowl party at her ex-boyfriend’s apartment, and to be honest, last time I met him he told me he played football in college and I responded that I did as well –which was a lie.
I don’t know why I lied, I guess I just panicked and wanted to impress my girlfriend. Anyway. He asked me what position I played and I told him I played quarterback because that was really the only position I’d heard of.
I really don’t know anything about football except for the fact that touchdowns how you score points and sometimes you kick the ball. I’ve been reading articles on ESPN.com and watching clips online but I don’t think it’s going to prepare me for questions about actually playing it, or for making good comments during the game. So I need someone who can *quickly* teach me about all of things I would have learned playing football as well as what to say about it.
This person MUST be available each day between now and the Super Bowl game (February 5, 2012), some time between 7-9pm on weekdays or afternoons on Saturday.
This is really important to me. I think my girlfriend still really likes her ex and when we first started dating she cheated on me a few times with him, so I really can’t risk looking like an idiot in front of both of them.
Oh, also, her ex played “linebacker.” Should I know a lot about playing “linebacker” too? Do quarterbacks normally know about that? I definitely will need to learn all the positions and what they do, but it might help for me to learn something from a “linebacker,” if you know one.
Seriously, this is really important. My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now and she keeps threatening to move out. I’m afraid if I get caught lying about this our relationship is over.
I’m offering $500, but would be willing to go higher if you’re an actual college or professional football quarterback, and would pay extra if you knew a linebacker you could bring along to teach me about his position.
And if you would be willing to text me good comments to say during the game, I’d to pay you an extra $100 for that. Maybe more if they’re good comments.
Please contact me IMMEDIATELY via email if interested.