Mailer is the son of the brilliant writer/play-write and notorious drinker Norman Mailer. Playboy and Mailer have teamed up to create an incredible, fool-proof hangover remedy and the process is sure to alleviate even the worst four-days-in-Vegas-induced hangovers!
And now for the cure…
Ask what the best way to detox quickly from the bender of all benders is and you’ll get a wide variety of oddly authoritative opinions. The answers range from taking Suboxone (a drug that helps heroin addicts kick the habit) to drinking copious amounts of alkaline water to guzzling a quart of green juice with garlic and ginger to lengthy yoga sessions. After polling experts in the fields of nutrition and internal medicine, we designed the perfect one-day detox regimen.
Suppose you get back from three nights in Vegas, celebrating at your best friend’s bachelor party. It’s highly likely you mixed libations (liquor, caffeine, a case of Red Bull), assorted powders, the odd little blue pill and the fragrant vapors of various dried plant matter. Whatever your poison, you have to face facts: You have too much toxic sludge in your system and you now need to get it out. You convinced your boss to give you Thursday and Friday off, assuring him you would take the time to prepare for Monday’s presentation to those Chinese investors you’ve been courting for months. It’s Sunday morning when you get back to your apartment. Will the feeling of nausea ever go away? How do you get the edges of all the objects in your room to stop rippling? You’re in bad shape, no doubt about it. Here’s what you do.
1. Drink one eight-ounce glass of the most alkaline water you can get your hands on, at least once every hour. Fiji water has a pH of 7.5 and can be purchased in 24-packs at most major supermarkets.
2. Prepare your stomach by taking one Prilosec, an over-the-counter antacid, to prevent heartburn and nausea. Do not take aspirin, caffeine or any type of ibuprofen. Instead take 100 milligrams of Pycnogenol, a natural plant extract from the bark of the maritime pine tree. This acts as an anti-inflammatory, antiplatelet and antioxidant and, when combined with L-arginine, has the added benefit of increasing libido. You’ll never want aspirin again.
3. Drink a cleansing smoothie. In a blender, combine:
4 oz. organic orange juice
4 oz. aloe juice
1 tsp. maca powder (an adaptogen that boosts energy and strength and acts as a libido lifter for men and women)
½ tsp. camu-camu powder (highest vitamin C content of any fruit on earth, anti-inflammatory, antidepressant)
½ tsp. mangosteen powder (antioxidant, anti-inflammatory)
1 tsp. freshly grated ginger
½ lemon peel
1 tbsp. Health-Force Nutritionals Vitamineral Green powder
4 ice cubes
Blend until smooth, and down the entire beverage. All powder supplements for this green drink can be purchased from Essential Living Foods (essential livingfoods.com).
5. Go back to bed and do not attempt to reenter the world until at least 11:30 a.m. Set your alarm every hour so you can pound more water. (Keep a glass and a bottle of water at your bedside to minimize sleep interruption.)
5. Get up and urinate. Do not proceed to the next step until you do.
6. Go directly to the nearest Russian or Turkish spa and take a lengthy platza oak-leaf treatment (a form of therapy, dating back to ancient Greece, that involves the highest level of a three-tiered sauna, cold water poured over you periodically and a large man beating you with oak branches dipped in warm olive oil). The leaves contain a natural astringent that opens pores and releases toxins from your body. For more information go to russianandturkishbaths.com/Platza.html. If Russian masseurs are in short supply, go to a local spa, preferably one that follows the Hollywood notion that every story should have a happy ending. Take a 30-to-60-minute session in a low-temperature sauna (105° to 130°) and follow with a 90-minute deep-tissue massage.
7. Go home and shower with glycerin soap. Glycerin promotes the absorption of moisture, and your skin can absorb astoundingly more H2O than your digestive system.
8. For your first solid food of the day, eat three boiled eggs and two bananas. Eggs contain large quantities of cysteine, an amino acid that will break down the metabolism of bad substances you’ve ingested, while bananas will replenish all the potassium you’ve lost from peeing so much. For dessert, eat two slices of watermelon, which will bring your alkaline levels up, and go back to sleep until evening.
9. As night rolls in, make one bull shot. A typical recipe is as follows:
4 oz. beef consommé or beef bouillon
½ tsp. grated horseradish
1½ to 2 oz. vodka
1 tsp. lemon juice
Several dashes Tabasco sauce
Several dashes Worcestershire sauce
Pinch of celery seed
Combine all ingredients in a cocktail shaker and pour over ice in a rocks glass.
10. Sit down in front of the television with your bull shot in hand and watch Lawrence of Arabia as a pick-me-up. The film’s slow pace and its sweeping shots of gorgeous desert scenery will fit in nicely with your relaxed attitude and quenched body cells, which had been begging for some hair of the dog that bit you. Also, the unbelievable suffering of those poor people will put in serious perspective whatever depressing thoughts you have about how your life has turned out.
11. Have one small bowl of spicy chili with cheese and whole-grain crackers. This will fill your stomach and help you sweat out the remaining toxins as you sleep.
12. Take an antioxidant consisting of large amounts of vitamins B6, B2 and C. (We recommend OPC-3.)
13. Drink one more eight-ounce glass of alkaline water and go to bed.
14. Drink one more tall glass of water when you get up to urinate in the middle of the night.
15. Wake up at a reasonable time and repeat step three to make another green antioxidant drink, followed by an eight-ounce glass of water. Pop another OPC-3 with a bit of green-tea extract and ginseng to stimulate your brain, then go to work and nail those Chinese!