The Real-Ass Patriot’s Checklist for Celebrating the Fourth of July



WARNING: If you are French or something, this article will probably make you really mad. But if you love stuff like screaming eagles, Abraham Lincoln, gnarly babes and the Matchbox cars that change paint jobs when you put them in water, you should definitely keep reading. Celebrate Independence Day like a Patriot!


budweiser girls

Real dudes take note: If you roll into a Fourth party with a sixer of Pilsner Urquell, it’s as if you’re taking a dump on Ben Franklin’s grave. Americans have been drinking American Beer since before there was an America – since George Washington crushed an empty Schlitz on his head at the Battle of Yorktown and said “Let’s do this.”

Even though Anheuser-Busch is now run by evil Belgian overlords, they have not changed the recipes you learned to puke with. They would not dare, because shitty beer is part of what makes America great.



The easiest way to tell if your state government is rife with communists is to determine whether or not the sale of a 200-pack Saturn Missile Battery is illegal. Fortunately, nobody is really intimidated by that sort of legislation, and there are all sorts of loopholes. In Missouri, for example, you can buy fireworks as long as you sign a piece of paper that says you will be using them in a different state. More than once, I signed these papers as my friends taped Roman Candles to my side view mirrors immediately outside the store window. I had a feeling the manager was going to be cool about it when he made air quotes during the disclaimer.

Footage of Monster Trucks


If you don’t like monster trucks, there’s a decent chance you hate freedom and/or are a terrorist. The history of monster jams and rallies is fraught with mindless damage and badass feats of recklessness, but Americans have never backed down from that sort of challenge.

Unfortunately, not all of us will be within driving distance of a monster truck rally this weekend – Although don’t let your guard down, because monster trucks are ALWAYS within driving distance of YOU. That doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from lining up several YouTube clips like this to get you amped when you’re stopping in the house for more Ruffles.

Slabs of Meat


Red-blooded patriotic men are not made of hummus. They are made of two-inch-deep cuts of premium USDA beef stacked one on top of the other, until they somehow coalesce into human form. Usually this beef is charred beyond recognition and doused in A-1, with a light benzene reduction. You can eat vegetables on Arbor Day. This weekend is for grilling.

“Independence Day” on Blu-ray

independence day

A more recent American tradition, but it’s no less important than registering your vehicle or voting.  Everything about ID4 rules, from Randy Quaid to … just everything. But chiefly, Randy Quaid. It might seem weird to watch America get its ass kicked by aliens for a while, but remember that no country with Will Smith on its side will ever lose anything, ever – especially against aliens that are dumb enough to still be running Windows 95. It will, however, be on the dealing end of climactic one-liners like, “Welcome to Earth” and “UP YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRSSSSSSS!”

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The author Kathrina

Kathrina is an enthusiast of all-things college lifestyle. She's the expert!

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