By: Nick Mathews (UMass Amherst)
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I’ve come to notice that many online websites feature a lot of articles that tend to progress into Top 5 lists. So many, in fact, that those have progressed into Top 5 Top Five lists. It is practically an epidemic, sans zombies of course. With this in mind, my ADHD led me to start reading a Top 5 Top Five list, only to discover that there are actually more lists of lists out there. With this in mind (I repeat “with this in mind” as a reminder of the inherent redundancy that permeates through every aspect of this article) I knew what had to be done. The Top 5 Top Five lists had become so prevalent that someone needed to sort them out. After all, who wants to read a bad Top 5 Top Five list, right? Right! So with all of that in mind I present to you my Top 5 Top Five Lists of Top V Lists. (Ironically V is the Top 5 Roman Numerals list).
This is a respectable top five list, content not withstanding. It has something to do with music and some place called the Moshpit or something, but more importantly let’s just take a look at the list. Seamlessly transitioning from one top five to another, Altpress does a great job with the font (You should see the top five top five list in “wingding”, let’s just say it didn’t make my list) but where it really shines is the spacing. They had the elements to actually go with three or four lines of spacing in between each list, a bold move not seen in many other lists.
I’m not sure why the movie High Fidelity had so many top five lists, though I also never really understood John Cusack expressing his love through a boom-box in Say Anything. Furthermore, I don’t really understand why he has to play a child-like, weasel-resembling bitch in every movie. Still, ever since seeing the film I’ve noticed guys expressing their love for me every time I drive through the… uh… extra-super-urban areas of the city… and in a pick me up basketball game! The list is cool, too. It even talks about proposed lists that were never actually fleshed out. Very respectable… but fuck you John Cusack.
3. Themandsomes.com Top Five top 5 list
This beats the High Fidelity list for two reasons. One is its elegant simplicity. The other is the fact that I had to sit through 2012 as a date movie and my date thought it was a good drama. This left me unable to close my mouth which left my date unwilling to sleep with someone who verbally berated her opinion of movies for a 20 minute car ride. Fuck you John Cusack.
This list thinks it’s clever because it is a top five list of top five lists. Come to think about it, all of these lists think their clever because they are top five lists of top five lists. Unfortunately, I also must think I’m clever for expanding it to another degree. I predict that in exactly 4 Internet years (roughly two weeks) there will be more degrees of Top Five lists than Kevin Bacon. Who, conveniently is a much better actor than John Cusack, though not by much. (Fuck you John Cusack).
1. This list you are reading right now.
Did I just… I did.