by: Tim Owen (Penn State University)

According to local weather reports, State College, Pa. was doused with upwards to 15” of snow this past weekend.  Most of it fell late Friday night and into the wee hours of Saturday morning– prime boozing hours!  Every speak-easy in town knows it and has their trademark happy-hour then.  It lasts for a couple hours.  Most bars cut all drink prices in half (Half-price Happies) and offer some sort of fruity mixer for a buck or two.

On this particular Friday night I chose $2 Long Island iced teas as my poison.  I don’t even like the fucking things!  They give me heartburn and taste like stomach bile—appetizing, huh?  It’s cool though because it’s efficient at its duty.   You just have to suck it up; a college budget doesn’t allow for many glasses of Chimay.

Needless to say, my friends and I were sucking “teas” down all night long.  After two or three the nasty taste diminishes a bit and lets on to a rather strong buzz.  After four, five, or nine more it was time to leave.  We were starting to get loud and disorderly; surely we would be escorted out soon.

While we were in the place we seemed to lose track of the ferocious blizzard that was bombarding Penn State.  The huge, fresh piles of the powder were a huge surprise when we walked out!  I had to take a minute.  I thought we were in Narnia—no joke.  I felt like we just walked through a wardrobe and an enormous, talking lion was going to lead us home.   I was overly excited until I realized we were nowhere near Narnia or any other fictitious, snowbound land for that matter.   I was disappointed.  We were just in State College and I drank too many Long Islands.

We had to find something to counteract the letdown.  We needed some adrenaline-building, heart-pounding action.  In that late-night, wintery condition there was only one option: DRUNK SLEDDING!

If you haven’t done it, do it.  You are not going to find a cheaper source of entertainment this side of 1990.  It combines the thrill of a snowboard with the camaraderie of a summer-party slip n’ slide!  If the chicks are crazy enough you might even get them in their bikinis.  C’mon girls!

We took the crew back to the apartment complex—which sets on a perfectly sloped knoll, just steep enough to make the women scream.  As drunken optimists, we knew this was going to be the time of our lives.  We hopped on our tubes and raced down the hill like tumbling snowballs.  The brand-spanking new powder blinded our eyes until we abruptly hit the plowed blacktop.  Most of us took pretty hard spills at the end, but no one seemed to care.  No one seemed to care about the cold either.  It’s probably why the “drunk” in “drunk sledding” is so significant.

We continued on for most of the night/morning until it was too hard to walk back up the damn hill.  (Always the worst part of sledding)  The next morning we all woke up a little sore—some more than the others—and full of leftover laughs.   It was totally worth it, though.  We definitely will be doing it again in the near future.

It could be the near future for all you Penn State Campus Socialites too!  (And everyone else in the northeast)  The National Weather Service has a winter storm warning in place for Tuesday night!  That could mean another twelve inches!  Sure, it’s going to make everything else suck, but take advantage of the drunken sled riding!  Are you a townie without a sled?  Mclanahan’s Student Store just loaded up on some saucers!  Cardboard, plastic tote tops, or ponchos work great too!

Trust me, don’t miss out!  It’s going to give you some great stories.  There are plenty of hills around town; it’s Happy Valley, folks!  Get out there live it up!  Get a keg or a few bottles to stay warm and make the best of the shitty weather!  Just be careful of any terrible ass bruises or unwanted frost-bite that might accompany your righteous night of drunk sledding!

Tags : DrunkDrunk SleddingLong Island Ice TeaNarniaSleddingSnow