“This job isn’t really how y’know shows like CSI make it out to be. I mean when I first joined the force, I assumed there was semen on everything! And there was some sort of semen database that had every bad guy’s semen in it. There isn’t! That doesn’t exist! It’d be nice. Like that crime scene to today. If the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we would have a real good shot at catching him! But no… just a punch in the face, no semen. Story of my life…” – Seth Rogen as Officer Michaels, Superbad
As hard as you may laugh at Rogen’s ridiculous expectations of cop life, he may have had a point and been far more successful as an extramarital affair investigator. One major fear when entering into any serious relationship is the potential for your partner to cheat on you. The creeping suspicions, monitoring one another’s every move, and wondering just who has been calling or e-mailing your guy or girl is enough to drive anybody crazy. Fortunately, if you’re desperate enough, there is a proven method for catching the suspected man-whore or slut before they inflict any more damage.
For $49.95, Brickhouse Security offers The CheckMate Semen and “Sperm” Detection Test Kit (http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/kt100.html) to give closure to the concerns raised by a cheating spouse. Innovative and gross all at once, the Checkmate Kit reveals invisible semen stains and provides reliable results in five minutes or less. Ensuring the user’s anonymity, the kit will not damage or stain the tested clothing and can detect fluids up to two years old. You gotta think that if McGyver thought his lady was sleeping around this is what he would use to get answers and serve the bitch a cold dish of rough justice.
Since I am simply not mature enough to type them without including words like jizz and spooge, below are the details on how the CheckMate Kit effectively checks for cheating:
Test a Woman
After sexual intercourse, all women experience “flowback.” This “flowback” causes a woman to have dried and or invisible traces of semen in her undergarments long after every sexual encounter. Typically, a woman will continue to secrete small amounts of semen for up to 72 hours after intercourse and even after showering. Even though most users will be interested in testing articles they suspect have only recently been soiled, traces of dried semen will remain present for long periods of time. Just apply the kit to her pants or underwear and the answers you have been dying to find out will be yours.
Test A Man
A man continues to secrete small amounts of semen for up to two hours or more after each sexual encounter. Long after he has sex, a man will have dried/invisible traces of semen in his underwear. Even if a man uses a condom during sexual intercourse or if he only engages in oral sex, there will still be traces of semen in his underwear. CheckMate is specially formulated to detect a certain enzyme found in a man’s semen. As long as the article to be tested has not been washed, traces of dried semen will remain present for very long periods of time. On Sunday morning he left the house and told you he was going to play golf. Then, when he came home and took a shower, you grabbed his underwear and did the test. If you detected semen, what is he going to say? “I was masturbating on the golf course.” That’s a tough sell.
Maybe semen isn’t everywhere to help piece together the details of a crime, but it’s clear that the minds over at Brickhouse Security are making sure that if you are cheating and doing a sloppy job of it, your relationship will be doomed with just a simple word – checkmate.