Halloween on Monday? Lamest shit ever. How am I supposed to eat my weight in Snickers bars, drink a 12 pack of Pumpkin Ale, and bag some chick in a lingerie police officer costume on a Monday night?!? It’s looking like the real Halloween party this year is going to take place on the 29th and the 30th. No big deal though because that sets aside actual Halloween for some much needed scary movies.
There’s been a lot of talk on the web this week about the best scary movies to watch this Halloween, but in the most hit-or-miss genre of all time (besides porn), the real topic should be what movies are the worst (and funniest). Well, I dug through the internet for hours to find you the most half-baked, tacky, cheesy, hysterical scary movie trailers of all time. What I put together should live in infamy for the rest of time. Enjoy, Horror Fans. You won’t pee your pants out of fear but you might shit yourself from laughing.
10. Killer Klowns From Outer Space
At this point I think everyone’s heard of this one. Clowns are a staple of scary culture, right alongside Vampiers and Mummies. Whoever decided to bring them to the big screen however, made some serious errors in writing and conceptualization. As the title suggests, there is somehow a planet somewhere that is entirely populated by clowns, an earthly invention for circuses and little kid’s birthday parties.
If that’s not ridiculous enough, all they want in life is to savagely murder humans, storing the dead in giant cotton candy cocoons, and then eating them. What they were eating before they came to Earth is unknown, but apparently they were really really hungry that day, and they heard human was quite the delicacy. In the world of bad horror, this one is probably the ultimate classic. The list gets more ridiculous as it goes.
9. Jason X (2002)
The Friday The 13th series started off so strong. A mother goes on an evil tirade after a couple of camp counselors let her son drown. Then they kill her and she comes back from the dead and raises even more terror. Then her son comes back from the dead and raises EVEN MORE terror. Horror classic. But Jason in space? I have one question. Why? “In Space” is the phrase that follows a series that has gone on way too long. Add to that the fact that one of the feature lines in the trailer is “He just wanted his Machete Back.” and you have the makings of one of the awful horror movies of all time. If I could tell you how Jason even ended up in space, I would, but I’ve never gotten that far. Don’t plan on it either.
8. American Psycho 2: All-American Girl (2002)
Why anyone would want to make a sequel to a movie that was based on a book is beyond me. Especially an awesome book and even more awesome movie like American Psycho. The premise is awful from the start. One of Patrick Bateman’s victims survives and becomes obsessed with serial killer culture. She decides to start killing dudes herself, and then takes the most logical step for any serial killer to make: she goes to college. That way she can get an education and perform heinous acts of savage murder at the same time. Mila Kunis has come a long way.
7. The Mad Monster (1942)
There’s only so much you can say about a movie that came out in 1942. Whatever they came up with couldn’t be done much better and I respect that. But we all know the older the technology, the funnier the movie, so I had to throw at least one super oldie on here. The Mad Monster is pretty special as far as old horrors go. It chronicles the tale of a mad scientist who creates a werewolf out of his “simple minded but strong” gardener. Oh 1940’s racism, how silly. The reason he creates a werewolf is to have it kill his colleagues for laughing at him about werewolves. Overreaction? Not any worse than Saw, but the costumes and effects are something to be seen. Things were much simpler back then, in more ways than one.
6. Leprechaun In The Hood (2000)
Everyone knows Ice-T was a rapper, is married to the most strangely proportioned woman in the world, and plays a pretty badass cop in “Law & Order: SVU.” What you might not know is that he got his acting start in a movie that America should have never been subjected to. It was hard choice but I eventually decided to pass on Leprechaun In Space and instead use Leprechaun In The Hood.
Leprechaun In The Hood features the same Leprechaun who killed the fuck out of everyone in sight in the originals, smoking blunts, wielding a pistol, and rapping. Rapping. I would say that whoever invented this concept should be drawn and quartered, if it weren’t for the fact that the second that little Leprechaun got on stage and started rapping and killing strippers at the same time, I nearly pissed myself. Throw in the cliche ghetto stereotypes and Ice-T pre-acting classes, and this movie is an absolute classic. And I mean that in the worst way possible.
5. Gingerdead Man (2005)
This might be the worst premise for any film, ever. The writers basically appropriated the plot of Child’s Play and applied it to baked goods. Replace a murderous doll with a murderous dessert cookie and you already know the entire film. The only difference is that Chucky had the creepy factor. This Gingerbread Killer doesn’t even have that – he just looks tasty. The main problem with having a villain that’s made out of dough is that any one of the characters can simply pick him up and eat him, or break off his head, or crumble him, or dip him in milk or something. Here’s the kicker: Gary Busey plays the conniving cookie. I’d watch it just for a good laugh.
4. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
If this list was in superlative form, Plan 9 would win for “Worst Cross-Over” and possibly strangest all-around concept. Plan 9 takes an alien attack movie and attempts to merge it with a Zombie movie, an awful idea if ever there was one. It has legitimately been called the worst movie ever made and it’s director, Ed Wood, was awarded the Golden Turkey Award for worst director ever…after he was already dead.
I’ll try and explain. Human beings are on the verge of creating a Doomsday Weapon (political satire?) for purposes unknown. In order to stop this from happening, Aliens on a distant planet decide the best defense is to use their mystical powers to resurrect the human dead, who of course inexplicably want to kill the live humans. Crisis averted! First off, why are aliens with magical powers capable of resurrecting dead, depending on decomposed humans to stop live humans from launching a doomsday weapon? Secondly, how is eradicating an entire species by sicking zombies on them a better alternative to letting them blow themselves to shit with a weapon? I could go on, but I’ll just let you enjoy the trailer.
3. Frankenhooker (1990)
If you’re not laughing at that name alone, you are not my target audience. Apologies. Frankenhooker is the touching story of a Med School student who loses his Fiancee in a freak lawnmower accident. A lawnmower accident that somehow ends up with her being only a head. Not sure how someone manages to get that close to the blade of a lawnmower, but hey, props for creativity. Her man is distraught, so distraught that he decides to reassemble her body out of other body parts…body parts taken from dead hookers. Hasn’t this dude heard of HIV? The hooker body parts revolt, just as hookers tend to do, and together become an unstoppable super hooker. Man, it’s really fun saying hooker.
2. Zombie Strippers (2008)
I hope this isn’t a porn movie. Wait scratch that – I hope it IS a porn movie. Too many times I’ve wished that someone would combine two of my favorite pastimes into one thing, and I think writer/director Jay Lee has done just that. It’s appeals to both my testosterone-dr
1. Street Trash (1987)
And here you have it: the most inadvertently funny movie (and most offensive portrayal of homeless culture) in horror history. If you’ve watched the trailer already, I don’t really need to say anymore, but for continuity sake, I will anyway. Street Trash is about a demon case of liquor that ends up in a liquor stores garbage. The owner decides he will exclusively sell it to hobos. Turns out however that it tears you apart from the inside out, thus killing the owner’s lucrative business ventures. It’s either a commentary of the emotionally and mentally poisonous nature of alcohol, a clever plan for cleaning up urban streets, or the funniest horror movie ever made. I’m thinking the latter.