By: Adrianne Marie (University of Miami)
Follow Adrianne on Twitter
By now I’m sure everyone and their mom has seen the trailer for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, which has captivated all Muggles around the globe whether they have read the books or not.
Now don’t get ahead of yourselves, this article is not about how epic the trailer makes the movie look or how awesome the new Universal Studios theme park is. The Harry Potter saga needs a little college twist. And what is more college-y than sex? So here it is, top 5 places to have sex in Hogwarts. No, not the theme park, I’m talking about across the pond, in the big-ass castle, in the mystical land we’ve all succumbed to.
I had to do some serious researching for this, believe it or not, it’s been awhile since I’ve read the books but I do consider myself a die hard fan and yes I’ll be the first in line for the midnight showing. But anyway, I checked around in some forums and it seems that EVERYONE is curious about this topic because Rowling does a pretty good job of keeping things PG, except for all the death and destruction of course.
Before you start going down the list, make sure you’re in the right mindset. Marvin Gaye is doing his thing (“Let’s get it on….”) and you’re no longer a Muggle…
5. Lusty Leg Lift in the Forbidden Forest
If you’re adventurous and not afraid of huge spiders, this is definitely the place to start your sexual escapades. Though Hagrid could be behind any tree, you’d probably see him long before he saw you – being he’s half giant and all. There are plenty of things that could be lurking around the corners so you’d have to be on your guard!
4. Hang Ten in the Chamber of Secrets
Now you’re probably thinking, ‘Why the hell would you go there!?’ But I’d probably say that all of these places could warrant that reaction for one reason or another. The Chamber of Secrets no longer has a larger-than-life basilisk hanging around or Quirrell in that terribly purple turban. Although you’d probably need to bring a blanket (or ten) for that cold, hard tile floor, it’s definitely up there on the list.
3. Pleasure Pick-Me-Up in the Restricted Section of Hogwarts Library
This would probably be a great time to whip out (no pun intended) the Invisibility Cloak just in case Irma Pince, the librarian, or Argus Filch, the school caretaker and professional busybody come lurking around. Although it may be restricted access, it’s not exactly the most private of places. But if you’re one of those people that has always wanted to get it on in a public place, I’m sure some sort of “cha-ching” just sounded off in your head.
2. Tight Squeeze in the Secret Passages
This is definitely when the Marauder’s Map would be useful! Nobody wants to get stumbled over while you’re doing the nasty under the Invisibility Cloak, so you whip out (again, no pun intended) your handy-dandy map and find a passage in a secluded corner of the castle.
1. Couch Canoodle in the Room of Requirement
And finally, the one place you won’t get caught yet have EVERYTHING your little heart desires to make the experience unforgettable! Now for those of you that can’t recall how epic this room really is, let me refresh your memory. (Remember in the 5th book, when Harry starts teaching his fellow students how to defeat those of the dark arts? Well they used this awesome room to do that!) When you come across this room make sure you know exactly what you’re looking for… big fluffy king size bed, dozens of cushy throw pillows, some toys maybe, etc. Let your kinky mind go wild because once that door opens, it will all be at your disposal.
And don’t forget there’s always the Invisibility Cloak! That can expand this list exponentially and make the experience not only exhilarating but also hilarious. Can you imagine? You’re in the middle of divination class with Trelawney and you hear moaning coming from the far corner of the room? I think Trelawney would be the perfect victim for this “prank” just because it would be crazy to see her eyes bug out behind those binoculars she calls glasses. I’m not sure other professors would be as susceptible, mostly because they’re either too cunning or too fast, like Snape, THAT would be a terrible idea.
Let’s all give Cosmopolitan a big hand for their kama sutra tips. And be on the look out for some follow-up articles, the possibilities are endless!
So where would you guys want to get down and dirty in Hogwarts?