Kids will do just about anything to get slobbering drunk nowadays, won’t they? Back in my high school hey-day we used to do things the old fashioned way: drink through our mouths – but apparently that’s not hardcore enough for teenagers who smoke spice and snort Ketamine way before they even start college. I can’t wait to show my family how normal I am compared to these fuck-ups.
First off, don’t mistake me for some straightedge doucher. I’ve dabbled in everything under the sun, and god knows I got in my share of trouble in high school. Mostly for drinking, smoking, and causing pointless anarchy in my small suburban town. Looking back on it, I was an idiot. But I didn’t get into other drugs until college, because everyone knows that’s what the institution is there for. If I had eaten piles of molly, dosed out on tons of acid, gobbled down Xanax, and shoveled cocaine up my nose as a 16-year-old, well, I’m pretty sure that would have taken all of the new, fun experiences out of college.
But enough about me, let’s get back to teenage delinquents sticking tampons up their vaginas and asses to get drunk. The story comes out of Arizona, where drinking liquor just isn’t legit enough anymore…and this is the logical answer. No offense to anyone who enjoys dipping Tampax in alcohol and shoving them into orifices – I’m sure you have one of several perfectly good reasons for doing it: 1. it gets you more drunk, and faster, because the vodka gets absorbed right into your bloodstream without having to pass through the stomach first, and 2. mommy and daddy won’t be able to smell your whiskey-swilling hobo breath. I already feel like an old geezer writing this, but I have to throw out this turn of phrase one more time – back in my day we just sucked it up and got in trouble. Deal with your fucking parents, kiddos.
And vodka soaked tampons aren’t alone. Apparently ‘Zona kids enjoy sticking beer bongs up their bungholes as well. They call it butt chugging. I know this is serious business, but I can’t help from giggling a bit when I read those two words together. Butt chugging, heh heh. But back to the seriousness: kids, come on. Don’t boof liquor. It’s not my job to dictate how you party, but at least do it responsibly. And if you really have to stick tampons up your pooper, wait until you get to college. That was my first and last drug PSA ever, I promise.