By: Bryan Dumas
You see him on campus all the time. You know that face, that smile, that confident walk from across the quad. Girls want him and guys wanna be him. He attacks the books and the bars equally as hard. He’s handsome, he’s intelligent, he’s athletic, he’s funny as hell. He’s not a meathead and he’s no pushover. He’s not overly aggressive like a shot of Bacardi 151 and he’s no Shirley Temple either. He’s like a glass of Johnny Walker Black Label on the rocks; smooth, refined, classy. He is the Campus Don, and every week he’ll be dropping knowledge on Socialites everywhere, answering the questions the ladies on campus have always wondered but were afraid to ask. Here is the first installment of the Don’s wisdom.
Campus Don, do you prefer your ladies in boy shorts or thongs?
Great question. As a bit of a lingerie connoisseur, I have have seen and removed a fair share of both. While nothing screams “bone me” more than a nice pair of cheeks with a teeny thong in between, I’m going to have to go with boy shorts on this one. As sexy as buns are in thongs, in my mind they’re even sexier in boy shorts. “Subtle sexiness” as I like to call it is the name of the game. Lacy boy shorts all the way. Yes please.
If we want to make a long-distance relationship work, what do you need from us girls?
TRUST. It’s the only way long-distance works. I’m not a fan of the long-distance thing, but that’s not to say that it doesn’t and can’t work. You can tell me all you want that you’re not going to hook up with anyone when I’m not around, but I’m taking it with some Patron and a bunch of salt if I don’t trust you. I have been in this situation twice before. I dated a girl who I trusted about as far as I could throw her. She spent a semester in Italy and promised me before she left that she would be faithful… BU!!S#!T. Four months later when she returned to the states she confessed that she blew one guy and slept with another.
Conversely, a year later I dated another girl who went to Italy. The only woman I trust more than this girl is my mother, true story. She told me the same thing the previous girl told me; that she would be on her best behavior and not do anything with anyone. Because of my previous experiences, I didn’t believe her and sowed my wild oats on campus. Come to find out, she kept her word and this time I was the dishonest one. Needless to say she was crushed at my (to borrow a word from Tiger Woods) “transgressions.” Long story short, if the trust factor isn’t 100% there, someone if not both people will end up hurt.
P.S. Naked/sexy photos of you on your bed, in front of the Eiffel tower or some other landmark never hurt either.
What is the best way for a girl to approach you at a bar?
Interesting question seeing as how most women I talk to about this feel like the guy should always make the first move. To which I say, “f*c! that, it’s 2009.” Where are all the independent women, huh?? If you want to get my attention while I’m out, there’s two ways:
#1. Just come up and say hi… no seriously. No eye-fucking halfway across the room. You have to leave your herd of friends and step into the lion’s den. I don’t bite (unless you ask me to). Strike up a conversation. Make small talk. Everyone knows how the game is played, and you coming up to me is a dead giveaway of your interest. A smart guy will take the wheel once the ice has been broken if he’s interested.
#2. Have one of your attractive friends make me aware that you’re interested. Nothing special, just a simple “Hey, my friend thinks you’re cute. You should come over and say hi” is all that needs to be said. I’ll take care of the rest. And please don’t send the Rosie O’Donnell of the group because then I’m going to question whether the friend who’s interested looks more like Rosie or Megan Fox. I would hate for some nice girl to get shut down because she sent the wrong friend to make the introduction.
Ladies, don’t be shy, please leave all of your most intimate questions in the comment box below and I will address them all like only the most swaggerlicious of dons can do. I’ll see you all back next week.