So the Broncos have a bye this week, and Tim Tebow is going to be starting for them in week seven. Fuck. Me. Having to root for him will be worse than having to watch them go 1-15 this year. Anyway, fuck me in the face with a bible:
49ers 25, Lions 19
As much as I was rooting for the Lions just like everyone else, it’s actually kind of a relief that they finally lost. At least now we won’t have to listen to the nonstop knob-slobbing heaped upon them from the various “personalities” on CBS, FOX, ESPN and NBC.
Steelers 17, Jaguars 13
I’m really disappointed by Blaine Gabbert’s continually dismal performance. I always have high expectations for guys with women’s names; I assume they’re all like Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” and have a mean streak to make up for years of being made fun of. Looks like Gabbert doesn’t have that mean streak, he just has a mean case of the Vagina. The disease is believed to be terminal.
Bengals 27, Colts 17
The whole Colts situation just continues to get uglier and uglier. At first I had a huge Schaden-boner from their incredibly arousing failure, but now it’s just sad. I mean, losing to the Bengals? Now I picture all those fat, ugly Colts fans crying into their Steak-N-Shake and the utter devastation just makes my dick soft.
Packers 24, Rams 3
Despite getting the 21 point win, the Packers defense gave up a shit ton of yardage against the pathetic Rams. Luckily for them, if Aaron Rodgers continues to brandish his monster cock-I mean, throwing arm-it won’t matter.
Falcons 31, Panthers 17
Is Matt Ryan the most boring man in the NFL? After the game, Michael Turner was asked about his quarterback’s performance and answered, “Oh, that’s who that white guy who keeps giving me the ball is?” Roger Goodell proceeded to fine him $10,000 for answering a question with another question.
Eagles 20, Redskins 13
There’s the Rex Grossman we all expected to show up! Despite playing one of the worst games I’ve ever seen, at least Grossman can comfort himself with all the extra time he’ll have to tear up local co-eds when he gets benched.
Giants 27, Bills 24
Are the New York Giants actually…good? I guess it would be too much fun for us NFL fans if there weren’t any Mannings doing well.
Ravens 29, Texans 14
I still can’t tell whether or not the Ravens are that good. Yeah, they’re 4-1, but their getting ugly wins over mediocre teams. I’m just concerned that if Ray Lewis gets bored he’ll get back into the covering up murder business. He lives in Baltimore; God knows business would be booming.
Raiders 24, Browns 17
The one year the Raiders finally seem to have gotten their shit together and things just keep fucking them royally: Al Davis’s death and now Jason Campbell’s broken collarbone. I almost feel bad for them, but then I realized fuck them in their black hole.
Buccaneers 26, Saints 20
Earnest Graham, the Bucs’ backup running back, ran for 109 yards. The fact that the backup RB got a hundred yards bodes poorly for the Saints. Good thing for them, Brees went Katrina all over the Bucs’ defense. What, too soon?
Patriots 20, Cowboys 16
I hate games like this. Who do I root for? Oh yeah, I root for a freak earthquake in the middle of New England. Or for Brady and Romo to admit their love and start passionately making out during the post-game handshakes.
Bears 39, Vikings 10
The Broncos are starting Tebow next week, so why aren’t the Vikings starting Christian Ponder? Glenn Beck says it’s reverse affirmative action.