Legend has it that back in the 80’s, MTV used to stand for “Music Television”—it even used to air things like concerts and music videos. But now it’s a 24-hour reality channel devoted to studying creatures with less creativity and intelligence than the ones on Animal Planet. Below are the six most horrible shows that MTV has polluted the airwaves with in my lifetime:
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: Celebrity Rap Superstar (2007)
For this game show, MTV takes eight huge “celebrities” (like Shar Jackson and that kid who played Pedro Sanchez in Napoleon Dynamite) who must learn how to rap and perform or risk being eliminated by viewers. The only problem was that MTV somehow managed to find the eight least rhythmically-talented people in the world. It was utterly horrifying to watch. I’ve seen 13-year-olds at Bar Mitzvahs give more convincing performances of this song than Kendra Wilkinson:
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: Parental Control (2006-present)
Parents pretend to hate their daughter’s boyfriend (in the clip below, the guy is so nice that they pretend to complain about his *littering*–seriously?!) and then they pick new guys to take their daughter on dates, which both the parents and the jerk boyfriend “watch” live at home while pretending to fight. At the end, the daughter must decide if she wants to continue to pretend-date her old boyfriend or pretend-date one of the actors hired by MTV.
Not only is all the dialogue on this show incredibly fake-sounding (you can practically see them reading the cue cards), but if someone you loved and respected actually announced one day that she was going to go find a new boyfriend, your first reaction wouldn’t be to volunteer to go be humiliated on national TV while pretending to swear at her parents.
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: The 70’s House (2005)
Glue-huffing kittens probably could have come up with a better idea for a TV show than this: Twelve contestants living in a Brady Bunch-looking house must give up all modern conveniences like cell phones and laptops, and dress and talk like they’re from the Nixon era. Whoever can best adhere to the “70’s lifestyle” wins! So…they have to pretend like there’s an oil crisis in the Middle East, the economy is in a slump, and everyone dresses like a slob? How will they possibly do it?!
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: My Life as Liz (2010)
As a girl named Liz, I was kind of excited when I saw a commercial for this show, only to realize after watching it for 30 seconds that Lizzie McGuire was way better. Everything about this show is just awful and cheesy, and it only makes it that much worse that it has my name on it.
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: Sixteen and Pregnant (2009-present)
Back when I was in high school and watching MTV, it was cool for sixteen-year-olds to have super sweet birthday parties. Now they’re getting knocked up instead. Not so super. Obviously, this show is so, so wrong on so many levels. Watching some poor girl’s water break while she’s hanging out in her 25-year-old boyfriend’s trailer is not my idea of compelling television.
Plus, a lot of parents out there think it sends a bad message to teens. And that message is, “You can be famous for having unprotected sex–just make sure you do it before you turn 17!” But the repulsiveness of this show pales in comparison to that of…
Worst MTV Show’s Ever: Teen Mom (2009-present)
If I wanted to see the consequences bad teen parenting, I could just plop down in the front seat of any Chicago city bus. But no, someone at MTV decided to make a show out of it. And things got ridiculous.
Now we get to watch Amber and her 500-pound baby daddy drag their toddler to the beach and let her cry under the beating sun. We get to see Catelynn fight with her crackhead mother (who mysteriously doesn’t seem to work and spends all her time smoking and looking for boyfriends on Craigslist). Maci and Ryan conk their son Bentley’s head on a table while riding dirtbikes and talking like characters in Gone With the Wind. And Farrah…just cries. While her daughter conks her head on something in another room.
These babies would probably be safer if they were left to fend for themselves in the 70’s House.