I can’t say I actually watch many movies on television. Not because I don’t enjoy films, because I do. But you often get a bastardized version of the film on broadcast television filled with commercials and edited content, both in sight and sound. Sometimes it makes you wonder if it’s even the same film. I don’t consider myself a movie snob, but I’d rather just have the real thing. Though there’s a strange hypocrisy when networks keep in all the violence, but deem it necessary to edit out even the mildest curses.

Still, occasionally you come across some re-dubbing of a profane line or lines that leads to unintentional hilarity. And those moments stick with you. The Powers that Be were not content to substitute the word “freak” for every F-bomb, they instead went above and beyond in a whole different direction. Wouldn’t you want to be that guy who comes up with the most absolutely idiotic re-dubbing for inappropriate movie language? Here are some (sue me, I couldn’t decide which one to cut) classic examples with a few goodies at the end.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Original Line: “Do you slip her the hot beef injection?”

Edited Line: “Did you slip her the hot wild affection?”

Really, take your pick on this one. Like Judd Nelson’s extended “Flip me? No, dad, flip you!” speech. Or the “Dim you! Dim you!” edit.

The Usual Suspects (1995)

Original Line: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!”

Edited Line: “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!”

Yes, this really happened. And for all five suspects:

Do the Right Thing (1989)

Original Line: “Motherfucker”

Edited Line: “Mickey Fickey”

Pretty much throughout the movie. Not overly original, but a true classic.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Original Line:“This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!” and “Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?”

Edited Line: “This is what happens when you fight (or find) a stranger in the Alps” and “Do you see what happens when you fix a stranger scrambled eggs.”

You might also see: “This is what happens when you pump a stranger’s gas” substituted in there. Really great stuff. Talk about a non sequitur in an otherwise finely strange film. YouTube won’t let you embed this one, but it’s still online.

Mallrats (1995)

Original Line: “Jesus, how much did you smoke? All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.”

Edited Line: “Jesus, how much did you smoke? All it took was a phat, karate punch. These guys were lightweights.”

Sounds much like a nice Hawaiian Punch. That might also lead to two guys unconscious on the floor.

Log onto The Campus Socialite on Wednesday to see some more ludicrous TV movie edits.

Tags : Do the Right ThingEditsMallratsMovies on TVThe Big LebowskiThe Breakfast ClubThe Usual Suspects