By: Meredith Sparks
- He wears extensive mannery (man jewelry). A hemp bracelet OR a class ring OR a thin gold chain with a religious connotation is perfectly fine, sometimes even attractive. The only reason a man should be wearing a thick gold choker is if he’s in the Mafia. No turquoise rings. No gaudy watches. No rawhide/leather/beads/shells around the neck. ICK.
- He thinks chivalry is dead. Every single boy from the South walks a girl to her car and opens the door of the car for her. He also walks a girl to the door and greets her at the door of her house (NO HONKING). Your man should always hold the door for you, let you walk on the inside of the sidewalk, offer you his jacket if it’s chilly and let you order first at restaurants. I’ve even had a boyfriend whose mom made him stand up every time I entered a room. These practices should not be limited to below the Mason-Dixon line.
- He wears sleeveless shirts on a regular basis. Ripped sleeveless t-shirts that are ONLY acceptable if you are mowing the lawn or at the gym. Your giant muscles cannot impress me when I am so distracted by a) your nipples, b) your armpit hair, or c) the half-naked girl decal on your trashy shirt.
- He is the ultimate mama’s boy. Unless you want to pick up all of his mother’s chores when you settle down, a man should be independent by the time he can drive a car, smoke a cigarette, at least legally drink a beer! If your man’s mom still picks out his clothes, makes his bed every morning, cooks his every meal and caters to his every need, GET OUT NOW. I know it’s common knowledge that if a man is good to his mother, he’ll be good to the other women in his life, but this degree of mother lover is too much. I had a boyfriend whose mom used to get in bed with us because she was jealous of our snuggle time. That’s a wrap. Chances are he’ll never stick up to his mother who probably is going to make your life hell for invading her territory.
- He is more into his own appearance than yours. If his closet is color coded, if he rolls up his designer jeans so they don’t drag on the ground, if he has more shoes than you, if he straightens his hair and/or uses the same hair products that you do, if he owns a white thong (for his tight white pants, duh!) or if he wears make-up, run for the hills. You need a man with bigger balls than you do and, chances are, if he’s that into his appearance, he’s probably not a very giving person since he’s blatantly a self-absorbed prick. Obviously, you don’t want a man who looks like a total slob because that would imply that he has very little self-respect. Men should have healthy hygiene and grooming practices. Minor metrosexualness is acceptable, but anymore than that, and I would be worried that your Prince Charming is more of a princess.
- He doesn’t like animals or is cruel to animals. Allergies are a legitimate reason to not like certain animals, but other than that, if your man adores dogs, cats, etc., he’s probably a loving, caring, loyal guy. One of my ex-boyfriends grew up without any pets and he was a total douchebag, while another ex had a house full of animals and he was really sweet. Hunting and fishing are tolerable in small doses, but please, don’t EVER invite me over to feel the rug you just made out of Little Bear again.