Ahh, to be young and in love. Birds chirping in the trees, green grass at your feet, sweet music playing in your ears, and you just want to… vomit. You are mortified not because of a hatred for nature or music, but because you are witnessing a “loving relationship” that is in fact phony, dysfunctional, and explosive. What makes matters even worse is that your close friend is hopelessly enamored with a girl who is about as healthy and fit for him as a morning diet of crack-cocaine and Jim Beam. If that wasn’t bad enough, tack on the fact that he doesn’t even realize that this dame is poison and is jeopardizing all of his other friendships as she blazes her path of nastiness. You know what you have to do: step in, make him aware of the ugly side of his girlfriend and the poor state of the relationship, list the potential consequences, and assist in breaking this volatile partnership off like an expired Kit Kat bar. Easier said than done, right? Lucky for you, the Campus Socialite is here to lend a hand.
Before you do anything, understand that confronting a good friend about something as personal as your thoughts on his girlfriend is a serious endeavor and is not to be taken lightly. You need to be 100% positive that this is the right move, and it typically is a measure of last resort used only to save your buddy from going off the deep end into the point where he is so invested in a relationship that it will be too late to intervene and toss him a life line. Only when you see that there is no other option and you are firm in your belief that his girlfriend is a legit bitchzilla can you sit him down for a man-to-man discussion.
Once you’re ready to approach your pal, you must enter the proper state of mind. Given the nature of your impending talk, your tone should remain serious at all times if you want him to grasp just how dire things appear to a friend who can view the relationship from an outsider’s perspective. Although it may be true, saying things like “Your girlfriend’s voice gives me a rash that even the strongest brand of Gold Bond couldn’t relieve” will probably just agitate him and fall upon deaf ears. A more direct, no bullshit approach will go a long way toward getting your message across. Think of your friend as a classroom that you are showing a PowerPoint presentation to – assassinate with bullet points. Don’t just let him know that you think she is “high maintenance,” go on to explain why. Elaborate and solidify your argument with reasons like “she keeps you in with her all the time and you barely hang out with us” and “you can’t make any decisions without consulting with her first.” Make sure to cite specific circumstances like “we had to reschedule our fantasy football draft around her schedule” and “we haven’t golfed together in three months.”
Now is where the conversation gets a little hairy, actually, if handled wrong, it can get hairier than King Kong and Chewbacca’s lovechild. Unless you wanna take the Saving Silverman route like Jack Black and Steve Zahn and just bypass the whole verbal altercation to move right into kidnapping your boy’s girlfriend, then I suggest you prepare to lay down some stone cold truth. Tell your friend exactly how you feel about his dragon lady and pull no punches. If you hate her freakin’ guts, then just say so. If you think she has the people skills of the T-1000 Terminator (you know the dude from T2 with the crazy deadly metallic finger), then speak up. If you see that she is as compatible with him as Elton John is with a titty bar, then let it be known. Do your best Anderson Cooper impression and unload the hard-hitting questions like “Is she putting out enough to justify all of the shit she gives you?”, “Does she get on your case whenever you speak to other girls?” and “Is she paranoid to the point where she checks your phone and Facebook profile like the Gestapo?” Speak for you and only you, if your other friends feel the same way then let them say so themselves… strength in numbers is a powerful influence.
A general rule of thumb is to avoid attacking the girl’s looks, this is where your friend will probably be most sensitive and, regardless, her appearance really shouldn’t factor into why you don’t want her in his life anymore. Even if this broad looks like she could stick her face in dough and make monster cookies, keep it to yourself – it can only hurt your cause.
The most important advice I can impart to any concerned readers is that all of your words carry a great deal of weight and can potentially impact your friendship with your love-blinded amigo. Some guys are just looking for a partner and will settle for anybody who is willing to stand their presence for more than a brief, five-minute interval. They extend their leg to be shackled by the proverbial ball and chain and have no interest in finding the key to true companionship. You need to keep the faith and hope that your pal is open-minded and possesses a strong enough will to see how he can improve his life by shedding this boulder of a bitch he calls his girlfriend.
I’m not saying it’s going to be pleasant, but you will be recognized as a better friend and more genuine person if you can help your good buddy see the light and ditch his bogus relationship in pursuit of the real girl of his dreams.