Zombies on Your University Campus? Follow These Tips and Live to See Another Day

All joking aside, the zombie apocalypse may be closer than you think. Disturbing reports of cannibal-like behavior from Montreal to Florida have shocked and sickened anyone who’s paying attention. Recently in Miami, a doped-up naked man spent 18 minutes snacking on a homeless guy’s face, an incident that was followed days later by a similar one in Maryland in which a student at Morgan State University admitted to eating his housemate’s heart and — what else? — brain.  Unless you attend one of the nation’s online universities, students living on college campuses may be particularly vulnerable to attack by those pesky flesh-eaters. We all know that they prefer human brains, and what better place to indulge this craving than an institution of higher learning?

So has the time finally arrived to start cleaning the old shotgun and polishing the cricket bat? How can college students prepare themselves for the upcoming zombie apocalypse? Follow these tips, and you just might make it out alive.

Avoid parties or gatherings where “bath salts” are being used. Usage of the designer drug known as bath salts seems to be related to at least one assailant’s startling zombification. According to WebMD, bath salts — also called “purple wave,” “vanilla sky,” and “bliss” — cause “agitation, paranoia, hallucinations, chest pain and suicidality.” Add to that: an insatiable desire in some users to consume human flesh. Imagine what chaos might ensue if large quantities of bath salts find their way into a city’s water supply.

Give them the slip. Keep a jar of Vasoline or other greasy lubricant on hand for when you find yourself in a tight jam. Slather yourself up from head to toe, then no aficionado of human flesh can clinch its undead fingers around you.

Know thy enemy. Zombies have gradually crept deeper and deeper into our nation’s mythos, almost to the point where they have surpassed vampires as the most popular monster. A plethora of “study materials” exists for you and and your friends to brush up on before the zombies attack. Start by reading Max Brooks’s how-to book The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead, proceed by watching George A. Romero’s six Dead films and the AMC series The Walking Dead, then conclude by playing the hit video game Plants vs. Zombies. Even if the undead don’t end up hitting your college, you’ll have at least passed the time briskly.

Invest in a good pair of running shoes. Heels, flip-flops, Birkenstocks, Crocs — such shoeware might be comfortable or attractive (okay, not the Crocs), but if a swarm of zombies unexpectedly infiltrated your campus, you’d be better off trying to evade them barefooted. Remember, if you want to survive, you don’t necessarily have to outrun the zombies — just everyone else. Carry a pair in your backpack just in case.

Take a college course in zombie combat. No, really, it exists. This summer at Michigan State University, a course taught by Glenn Stutzky will cover such extinction level events as floods, plagues and — no kidding — zombie attacks. Called “Surviving the Coming Zombie Apocalypse: Catastrophes & Human Behavior,” the class is available not only to MSU students but also through the Lifelong Education program. No word yet on whether a whole zombie studies degree can be obtained.

In the face of recent events, the only responsible thing to do is to remain calm, get informed — and mount up. After all, you’ve paid too much in tuition to allow those foot-draggers to overrun your school.

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