In every relationship, there will come a time that you think about getting a little somethin’-somethin’ on the side, but hear me out first. Cheating is like mooning the rabid dog of karma—and it WILL bite you in the ass. Here’s why.
5. The World is Full of Bombshell McGees
Sandra Bullock was beautiful, beloved, and had just won an Oscar, so when America found out that her husband Jesse James had cheated on her, it was shocked. But when America saw who Jesse had cheated on her with, it threw up a little bit in its mouth.
If that skanky tramp stamp you got after too many tequila shots on spring break came to life in human form, it would probably look a lot like Michelle “Bombshell” McGee (pictured). It’s bad enough to get caught cheating, but when your mistress is a professional “tattoo model” and stripper who likes to pose in swastikas, it’s downright embarrassing for everyone.
My point is that the kind of people who knowingly hook up with taken guys and girls are not so much bombshells as grenades that will blow up in your face eventually. While you may not be dating America’s sweetheart, your guy or girl is at least decent enough to be faithful to you, while the person you want to cheat with clearly isn’t concerned with being honest or loyal. Although he or she may look like a sexy, exciting prospect in the moment, the grass isn’t always greener in Bombshell McGee’s hot tub.
4. STD’s Galore
We all remember high school health class, the primary goal of which seems to be permanently searing the image of genital warts onto our young brains (Thanks, Coach Sullivan). And remember that poster that showed how many people you’ve indirectly been exposed to via your partners’ partners with little stick figures? Well, guess what—you’re one of those slutty little stick figures now. So you better hope Bombshell McGee was telling the truth about that cold sore or you (and your poor boyfriend/girlfriend) could potentially end up on the health class slideshow rotation for 15-year-olds to giggle at for all eternity.
3. Guilt
When you are old and on your deathbed, do you want to look back on your ex-lovers with a nostalgic smile, or do you want to smack your wrinkly old forehead and go, “Aw, stuff, Jen…I probably should call her up one of these days and apologize. Yeah, I was a real D-bag…” Even if your current partner is more annoying than a yappy little dog, you’ll feel like you shot Old Yeller when they find out you’ve been cheating. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to discover someone you loved betrayed you, and to know you gave someone that feeling will make you feel guilty for years. Try it and see if the Ghost of Bombshells Past doesn’t come to haunt you one Christmas Eve.
2. Getting T-Swifted
But not all jilted lovers are the type to just cry and avoid you around campus. If you cheat, you have to worry that your ex might just open up a big can of grade-A revenge. If you’re lucky, she’ll just dig her key into the side of your pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, or throw a few drinks in your face at the bar. But the worst way to get back at someone for being a complete jerk? Let everyone find out what a jerk they are. When Taylor Swift writes a song about a cheating ex, she basically guarantees that he’ll be immediately buried in a mountain of hate mail from tweens all over the world. And while your ex may not be able to inspire international tween rage, it only takes your ex mentioning your cheating ways to a few people and bam! You’re blacklisted.
1. Bad Karma
The number-one reason why you shouldn’t cheat is that it’s just wrong. What goes around really does come around—this holds true for both morality as well as genital warts. It’s even one of the Ten Commandments (translated into Bro for the benefit of our frattier readers) that “Thou shall not creep on your bro’s main slampiece.” So don’t cheat. You’re just tempting karma.
