10 College Relationship Dealbreakers

Fact: everyone lowers their standards in college a little bit. It’s okay. The pool of people interested in relationships is small, so you might put up with a few of your girlfriend’s annoying habits or accept the fact that your boyfriend is a Cubs fan–nobody’s perfect. But there are still a few dating dealbreakers so obnoxious they demand you draw the line somewhere.

#1 Dealbreakers – Oversharing Online

Changing your relationship status or posting a few couple photos is one thing. Constantly updating people on how you have the cutessstttt boyfriend or girlfriend in the world using tiny hearts <3, or worse, expressing your emotions through song lyrics, is just obnoxious and displays the emotional maturity of the front row of a J-Biebs concert. If someone you’re dating updates their status as “You are the best thing that’s ever been mine 😉 x” ? Eep. Get out while you can, bro.

#2 Dealbreakers – Greek Obsession

Don’t get me wrong, I love my sorority. But it’s Greek life, not the United Nations, and if all a guy can talk about are the politics frat’s elections or how he would never consider dating a girl who wasn’t “top tier,” it’s a little pathetic.

#3 Dealbreakers – Being An Alcoholic

It isn’t alcoholism until graduation—except when it is. If your girlfriend’s usual Tuesday morning breakfast involves puking in her sink and then cracking open a beer, it might be a problem. If your boyfriend’s idea of a romantic birthday gesture is peeing in the shape of a heart in the snow on your sorority house’s lawn at 2am, it is most likely a problem. And if you find out he met half the people at that bar crawl in Junior AA, it’s definitely a problem.

#4 Dealbreakers – Dandruff

I don’t care who you are or what you’ve gone through in life, but if your shoulders are sprinkled with little white scalp flakes, it’s not going to work out. Head & Shoulders is less than $2 a pop; there’s really no excuse for dandruff. Never lower your standards for basic hygiene.

#5 Dealbreakers – When Young Is Just Too Young

This summer, a 22-year-old guy friend of mine started hooking up with a freshman I’ll call “Miley.” It’s not that Miley wasn’t a perfectly nice girl. She was. And it’s not like four years is a huge age difference. The problem was that Miley easily could have passed for 14. She couldn’t get into bars and sometimes waiters brought her crayons when they went out for dinner. At first it didn’t seem to bother my friend, and he brushed off all the pedophile jokes until one night, he came over to her room and she opened the door wearing her retainer and no makeup.

“I honestly thought Chris Hansen was going to pop out of her closet,” he confessed after they later broke up. Lesson learned: it’s okay to date freshmen, as long as they don’t look like high school freshmen.

#6 Dealbreakers – Getting a Tattoo in Your Honor

“Look, sweetie—to prove how much I love you, I got your name seared into my flesh!” No. Just no. If your significant other wants to get a tattoo that relates to you in any way, it is a giant red flag for so many reasons. First of all, there is always the possibility that they will expect you to reciprocate (If he gets your name on his wrist, what would the equivalent be—his social security number on your butt cheek?) Second of all, unless you are a prisoner or the leader of a street gang with a heart of gold and the tortured soul of a poet, tattoos are just trashy. It’s like the trailer park version of giving someone flowers.

#7 Dealbreakers – Making Booze in Their Dorm Room

This is more common than you think. The kind of person who would spend hours mixing a complicated recipe of Jolly Ranchers and malt liquor to make their own Four Loko is the epitome of dumb. I have also met someone who made wine out of honey packets he stole from the university dining hall, and another guy who just left apple juice in his mini-fridge for a year until it fermented. Seriously? Are we Appalachian hill people making moonshine in Pa’s pig trough? Most university campuses are surrounded by cheap liquor stores stocked to the brim with low-quality booze. If you’re dating someone who thinks it’s more fun to spend time and money making their own disgusting alcohol, it might just be a dealbreaker.

#8 Dealbreakers – Having the Same Name as Your Sibling

It’s not like they can help it, but it’s just too awkward to hook up with someone who has the same name as your brother or sister. Just try it and see if you aren’t creeped out.

#9 Dealbreakers – Constant Texting/Calling

While girls are usually the ones who tend to send to be overly chatty, let’s get something straight: guys can be clingy, too. It’s nice to check in with someone once in a while or to send them a funny text if you’re thinking of them, but endless “whatsup?” texts and wanting to have long good-night conversations are beyond annoying for most people with jobs or lives. And if someone is text-stalking you at the beginning stages of a relationship, it will only get worse.

#10 Dealbreakers – 24/7 PDA

Being physically affectionate is a good thing, but there is a time and a place. If he or she constantly wants to make out in un-romantic public places—the bus stop, the dining hall, in class, in church, in an alley behind a bar, etc.—it’s weird. Even worse is if they’re into the whole weird multiple smooch thing, which might seem adorable but to appears to those on the outside of the kiss about as cute as a mother bird feeding her chick a regurgitated worm.

My personal least favorite form of PDA is the Hand In the Butt Pocket. Nothing says “I’m insecure and possessive!” quite like squeezing my ass cheek through a thin layer of denim in a public place. Guys, please take note: this is not an acceptable variation on hand-holding. If they’re into the Baby Bird or the Ass Grab, you may want to reconsider your dating choices.