In this celebrity-obsessed world with websites like TMZ and Perez Hilton, you read about the latest gossip on who did what in Hollywood. Whether it be the king of pop, Michael Jackson, movie star Heath Ledger, or comics John Belushi and Chris Farley, in today’s world the public learns about these premature deaths at the same times as their respective families. So if you’re expecting me to talk about the memory of these stars then you’re reading the wrong post, instead I will be predicting who will be visited by the grim reaper next…
1. Artie Lange – The heroin-shooting sidekick to Howard Stern almost beat the list but failed in his suicide attempt on January 2, 2010. The comic stabbed himself 9 times in the abdomen and was rushed to the hospital after being discovered by his mother. To this day Lange struggles with depression, withdrawal, alcoholism, and a weight issue, which puts him at the top of this not so popular list of celebrities. Predicted cause of death: drug overdose.
2. Hugh Hefner – There’s a good chance most guys out there would still be masturbating with their eyes closed if it weren’t for this man. Hugh Hefner, the founder of Playboy, is 83 years young and still going strong – wrinkles and all. With his own reality show, this old man is getting more ass than Ray-J in his porno with Kim Kardashian. Predicted cause of death: heart attack… while balls deep in a centerfold.
3. Magic Johnson – Kanye West said it best in his 2005 hit single “Roses”: “If Magic Johnson got a cure for A.I.D.S, and all the broke mutha fuckers passed away. You tellin’ me if my grandma was in the NBA right now she’d be ok?” Magic who’s said to be one of the all-time NBA greats redefined the position of point guard by doing it all on the court and clearly off it as well. Admitting to having multiple sexual partners at one time, Magic was diagnosed in 1991 with HIV forcing him to retire in the twilight of his career. This surprising pick won’t be a popular one with basketball fans. Predicted cause of death: He has A.I.D.S… what do you think?
4. Amy Winehouse – They tried to make her go to rehab and she said NO, NO, NO! Amy Winehouse can be mistaken for a zombie these days and could be an actual zombie soon enough. She has been seen with cuts on her wrist and has admitted to struggling with addiction and eating disorders for her entire life. In June 2008 Winehouse’s father admitted that Amy had early signs of emphysema, he also claimed that chain smoking and crack cocaine may have caused this lung condition. Predicted cause of death: take your pick
5. Lindsay Lohan – Everyone’s favorite Long Island mean girl. What happened to the innocent Lindsey Lohan that we remember from her break out performance in The Parent Trap. Lohan has been arrested on multiple DWI charges and now is wearing an alcohol-monitoring bracelet. Even worse than her drinking problems are Lohan’s career decisions, she supposedly passed on the opportunity to play the stripper in everyone’s favorite comedy from 2009 The Hangover. If it weren’t for her weekly nipple slips, and up-skirt shots most people wouldn’t remember who she is. Predicted cause of death: I Know Who Killed Me 2
6. Richard Simmons – For this sleeper pick, I have chosen annoying American fitness personality Richard Simmons. This may seem random but if you’ve caught him on a talk show or info commercial lately you may agree. Simmons brings annoying to a new level with his cheerful, happy-go-lucky bullshit. This guy made millions of dollars telling overweight women that eating a salad instead of a Big Mac will help them shed weight, what a fucking genius. Predicted cause of death: suicide?
7. Verne Troyer – This list cannot be complete without one little person. I was a month too late on Gary Coleman so sorry “Mini-Me”, you’re shit out of luck. Verne Troyer took his acting career to the amateur film status when he made a homemade sex tape with than girlfriend Ranae Shrider. Although I didn’t catch the whole thing, I was lucky enough to see Verne crying for Shrider to pee on him. So if golden showers are your thing you know where to find one. Predicted Cause of Death: Not sure, what did Gary Coleman die from?
Although I wouldn’t advise readers to go to Vegas with these picks, if they are correct, just keep in mind that I told you so. But just in case one of the Jonas brothers get found in a ditch I’m going to make an Honorable Mention list so I can get at least one right.
Honorable Mention: A Jonas Brother, Courtney Love, Ozzy Osbourne, Bill Cosby, Stewart Scott, Larry King, Bernie Madoff