Getting sick is bad enough, but getting sick at college is a nightmare. Don’t worry, you can get through this alive. Maybe.
On Friday, your throat feels a little sore. No big deal, you just chase your rum with orange juice that night. But despite all that Vitamin C (and Vitamin Captain), by Sunday you’ve completely lost your voice. This doesn’t worry you too much, since you hate talking in class anyway. Plus, you notice that when you try to sing in the shower, your voice kind of sounds like Dave Matthews’. Nice.
Things Get Worse
But when you wake up Monday morning, something is wrong. Your entire body is in so much pain it feels like the girl from Precious is giving you a lap dance.
Your head is pounding, you’re covered in cold sweat, and your throat is on fire. You try to get out of bed and immediately crumple to the floor. Your roommate gets worried.
Concerned Roommate: Hey, are you okay? You don’t look so good.
You: “BLEEEEHHHHHH!” [as vomit spews from every orifice]
Clearly, you are sick. Ditching your morning class is a no-brainer. But as you lie in your bed praying for death, you remember—you have an exam in your night class.
To Ditch or Not to Ditch?
For a few hours, you lie swaddled in your Snuggie on the futon, trying to rest. You watch Spongebob reruns. You guzzle Emergen-C. You chug Nyquil. You have weird Nyquil-induced hallucinations.
Then Million Dollar Baby comes on. The movie inspires you—Hilary Swank didn’t let her face stop her from becoming an actress and being sick isn’t going to stop you from taking this exam!
Bravely, you crawl into a pair of non-vomit-encrusted sweatclothing and grab your backpack. People cross the street to avoid you. Campus Safety receives reports of a strange, intoxicated homeless person wandering the campus. Eventually, you reach the science building.
Being That Guy
The professor hands out the test and the auditorium falls silent. Except for you, that is. Every two minutes, an uncontrollable hacking spasm takes hold and your coughs echo throughout the room.
You know it’s annoying. You know you’re that sick guy that everyone wants to just die already so they can finish their exams in peace. But you are determined to finish this exam. Never mind that you are so high on Nyquil that you just played tic-tac-toe with the Scantron boxes the entire time—you feel victorious as you stumble back home to the futon.
Calling Mom
It’s Day 2 and you’re convinced you have some horrible warthog strain of swine flu. Time to call Mom. At first, she’ll be full of concern. But eventually she will lecture you on your collegiate drinking habits.
Mom: Hello?
You: Ehhh [cough] ehhhhrrrgg
Mom: Oh, poor baby! It sounds like the stomach flu. Have you been drinking lots of soup and tea?
You: Ehhrg
Mom: And resting?
You: Ehhrg
Mom: You need to keep your immune system strong…I bet you got sick because you’ve been drinking a lot! Have you been bingeing and kegging and shooting shots?!?
You: Nehhrg! Nehhrg!
Mom: You’re going to end up like your Uncle Seamus if you don’t watch it.
Needless to say, your mom’s advice is not particularly helpful. It’s time for a professional to help you.
The Student Health Center
You make an appointment at the notoriously lame university health center. You sit slumped in the waiting room for an hour before a nurse finally pushes on your tongue with a stick and gives you a handful of cough drops and ibuprofen.
You: Ehhrggg??
Nurse: I’m pretty sure it’s just the flu. But if you start having tunnel vision, stay away from the light and call 911.
Damn it. You were hoping for some malaria-grade antibiotics. By now, you’ve built up a tolerance to Nyquil, and you’re popping Sudafeds like they’re Skittles.
Finally, you have one last resort.
Nursing Student
Nursing students are your best friends. Not only do they have nurturing personalities, but they have access to wonderful things like IV bags. You give your nursing friend a call and she hooks you up with some Pedialyte and a bag of Ringer’s solution.
Recovery
Finally, you get better. Never before have you appreciated sunlight so much. You are living life to the fullest and partying harder than your Uncle Seamus.
