College students across the country overexert themselves on a daily basis in a desperate attempt to earn that coveted 4.0. Okay, very few actually set their sights that high. Most just want to do well enough to graduate on time. But with all those extracurriculars – greek life, sports, honor societies, student government, getting laid – how can anyone make time for homework?! Don’t worry folks, I feel your pain and am willing to share with you my tried and true method for getting an ‘A’ without putting in much work at all. I’ve got a 3.75 GPA, and I swear you’ll never see me in my room doing actual work. It’s sort of a secret technique, and won’t work if everyone tries it all at once. So test it out, and when it works, shut the hell up about it. Deal? Okay.
The Professor Mind F–k
I developed this technique when I was in 9th grade. My high school social studies teacher had a nasty habit of calling on us and asking us questions in class. It was horrible. Well, I noticed that one girl in my class was never called on. Jackie, the class genius. Jackie frequently rose her hand whenever the teacher posed a question, and so, eventually she stopped being called on because it was assumed she knew everything and didn’t need to be quizzed. I decided, “Hey, why don’t I be the nerd for like, two weeks? Then I won’t get called on either.” So I went home, studied the next few chapters like crazy, and for the next four classes I rose my hand and answered every one of the questions in class. Then it happened.
“Okay, can someone other than Steve answer the question?! Steve, put your hand down, I’m giving the rest of the class a shot.”
SUCCESS. I didn’t get called on for months. I stopped having to listen in class or read the textbook because I knew I wasn’t going to get called on.
Believe it or not folks, it works even better in college. Your professors grade you on class participation, so they want to hear everyone’s voice. Overwhelm them with yours for the first two weeks of class and I guarantee you won’t be bothered again.
What to Do
Actually do your work during the first few weeks of class. This shouldn’t actually be that hard since classes are easiest when they are just beginning. Read, read, read. Then go to class and raise your hand like it’s your job. Make sure your professor knows your name and gets sick of saying it so often. You don’t even have to say anything intelligent. Just make sure your voice is heard. If you want to go the extra yard, ask your professors how they feel about the subject matter – it gets them rambling on and makes them feel like they have a personal connection with you.
Then, around week three, relax. Utilize SparkNotes, text in class, doodle. Have fun, because you’re the “class expert.” Everyone else expects you to talk, so they’ll be afraid to raise their hands. The professor will assume that since your hand isn’t raised anymore, the questions they are posing are too difficult for the class to comprehend, and they’ll dumb things down excessively. Throw them a bone with a hand raise every few classes. The professor will have become so dependent on you to help them create classroom discussion that now that you aren’t an active participator, they will have lost their ability to teach independently. They’ll mumble for an hour and then be forced to awkwardly end class early. It’s a terrible, yet wonderful thing.
You’re in the clear until the last week of class. At this point, the professor is starting to write down everyone’s participation level, which they will use to form their students’ final grades. Now’s the time to start raising your hand again, burning it into the professor’s brain that you are the genius of the class. Again, you don’t even have to say anything smart, you just have to say something. A fun little game is just saying “So are you trying to say….,” and then repeating everything the professor just said verbatim. Believe it or not, it always works.
In Conclusion
With just two weeks of extreme participation at the beginning of the semester and one week at the end, you can ensure that you will not only receive the ‘A’ you’re hoping for, but you will also be considered the “class professional.” Your peers will think you’re brilliant, your professor will forget how to teach without you, and you can spend the majority of the semester just chilling in your seat, not doing any work. Good luck, and have fun with it.
