By: Rob Gindes
It’s really supposed to be just me doing this column, but I didn’t like the title “I’m Ain’t An Expert.” So I’ve enlisted the help of my best friend, Nick, to pick two bonus games for you guys. I assure you, they will be just as well-researched and reasoned as my picks. With that said, please, sit back and enjoy my week 1 picks that I hastily put together as I was leaving work.
As always, please feel free to follow my betting advice, as long as your bank is sort of like the nice grandfather who would beat you in Backgammon for pennies and give them back afterwards.
Home teams are in CAPITAL LETTERS! Most of the rest of the column is in lowercase. Game lines were found off of some web site I’d never heard of before.
ST. LOUIS (+4) over Arizona
A bunch of my friends are Ravens fans and they can’t get over how awful Derek Anderson is, not just as a quarterback, but seemingly as a human being. They are routinely amazed that he can get out of bed in the morning and walk around to the correct places during his day. I will pick against this team on the road.
Also: Somehow he’s still a better option than Matt Leinart!?!?!? What?!?!?! Now we know why Leinart stayed in college another year. Of course he knew. You don’t think he knew? He knew. He wanted one more year of being a celebrity bigshot and having everyone think he was good at football. That was probably a hell of a year.
Denver (+3) over JACKSONVILLE
Why not? And seriously, why is there still a team in Jacksonville? They can’t even get a sponsor for their stadium, maybe. I’m too lazy to Google that, so maybe they have. Okay, fine, I’ll Google it.
So, they have. Something called Everbank has put their name on the Jaguars stadium. Which brings me to a more important point: How come JetBlue doesn’t step up and sponsor the new Giants stadium? How awesome would that be? Note: I’m not the person that came up with this idea. I heard it somewhere. Don’t remember where. But I’m not claiming the idea as my own. But man, that’s awesome. JetBlue!!! I just sit here at my desk all day and think about how cool that would be and I don’t like either the Giants or the Jets. Jet… Blue. God, it’s perfect.
Jacksonville is boring, MoJo might be hurt, and Tim Tebow will part the defense or whatever biblical joke.
BONUS NICK PICK NUMBER ONE
Baltimore (+2.5) over NEW YORK
Reason why I picked the Ravens: I am a Ravens fan. Now that we got that out of the way, I want to talk about Hard Knocks. Is Rex Ryan the only person to become fatter after having Al Roker surgery? I mean, that surgery is supposed to curb your hunger, causing you to lose weight. It is foolproof strategy, unless your name is Rex Ryan. For Christ sakes, they had to set up a system in the Jets locker room where they fined Ryan every time he was caught sneaking an unhealthy snack.
As far as the Ravens go, I think they will go 16-0 in the regular season this year and end up beating the Packers in the Super Bowl 75-0 by slaughter rule.
BONUS NICK PICK NUMBER TWO
Miami (-3) over BUFFALO
Reason why I picked the Dolphins: The night life in Miami > the night life in Buffalo. How do people live in Buffalo? It snows 75% of the year and I am going to make a safe prediction and say 95% of the women there are extremely unattractive. You know it must be bad if people are considering moving the football team to Canada. In other football related news, is their quarterback still Trent Edwards? Jesus, they suck.
I’ve never been to Miami, but it looks like fun as long as you can avoid the pickpockets. I like a little adventure when I go out on the weekends. You haven’t lived until you’ve made out with a chick that has an Adam’s apple. Plus, anywhere the Jersey Shore bros like to party is good enough for me.
Atlanta (-2) over PITTSBURGH
Pittsburgh has arrived at Dallas Cowboys 2000-2008ish territory, which is to say, they’re really not very good, but they’re one of the league’s marquee teams, so no one can think of them without thinking about all the championships and horrible, annoying fans. Without Ben Roethlisberger, they boast: Dennis Dixon, a sorta-decent running back in Rashard Mendenhall, a duo of pass-catchers that were good a million years ago and now are still considered good on name alone (Hines Ward and Heath Miller), and an up-and-comer (Mike Wallace). Is anything good about their offense?
And how about the defense? Can you name five guys on their defense? I can’t. Farrior? Is he still there?
LIGHTNING ROUND!!! ZAP
GIANTS (-6.5) over Carolina. But I’d stay away from this game, because, who knows?
Detroit (+6.5) over CHICAGO. Cutler will throw picks, Chicago is really sort of terrible when you think about it.
NEW ENGLAND (+4.5) over Cincinnati. Lost in all the TO hype is the fact that he’s old. And Carson Palmer hasn’t been good in five years.
TAMPA BAY (-3) over Cleveland. The triumphant one-week fantasy domination of Cadillac Williams.
Indianapolis (-2.5) over HOUSTON. They always win so they will win again!!!12.
TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Oakland. Why is this line not -100?
PHILADELPHIA (+3) over Green Bay. DeSean Jackson puts up video game numbers. I like when people in real life average 30 yards a catch and insane stuff like that. It’s HyperReal(TM)!
San Francisco (-3) over SEATTLE. The Niners are good again! The Seahawks always seemed to suck, even in the Super Bowl year. The reverse Steelers. And hey, how about that! ‘Cause they lost to the Steelers! Or the referees. Depending on if you’re a Seahawks fan.
WASHINGTON (+3.5) over Dallas. Overt homer pick.
San Diego (-4.5) over KANSAS CITY. Another good team-bad team matchup. Don’t outsmart yourself, I guess.
