As if you thought Derek Jeter couldn’t get any more Socialite. You already knew that he’s such a Baseball legend, the Yankees were willing to give him a 4-year contract at the age of 37. You know that he is only the 28th player in history to have 3,000 hits (with a home run) and only the 2nd player to go 5 for 5 in the same game. You know that he has got it in with Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Vanessa Minillo, Jessica Biel, and was even temporarily engaged (the long con) to Minka Kelly. What you didn’t know, until today, is that when Derek Jeter wakes up with a hangover, next to a girl he never met, he says “Peace out, but wait, take this autographed baseball for your trouble.”
The vicious New York media is up in arms over Derek’s going away presents, using it as some indication that the captain ain’t as classy as anyone might think. You’ll be glad to know that here at Campus Socialite, we’re taking the opposite approach. Not only is this dude getting laid so often that he needs to keep a basket of signed baseballs on hand to give away, he marks his turf with something that’s worth more than your Bachelor’s Degree. As for the ladies, they can brag to their friends, even sell it on the internet if they’re short on cash, or soul. What’s so un-classy about that?
Once you wipe the grin off your face, you might find yourself, like most Americans, thinking about how you could be like Derek Jeter. The short answer is you can’t, especially when your signed baseball is actually worth less than before you took it out of the Rawlings box. However, if you’d like to give it a shot, there are many different pieces of signed memorabilia you might find lying around your room that you could give to your 7-hour lady friends. Some sweet, some practical, and all super classy. Sort of.
Your Signed Hoodie
Nothing says Walk Of Shame like 4-inch Stilettos, a pencil skirt, and a Navy Blue Hoodie that looks like she could have used it as a parachute. Your new friend has just rolled out of bed, and now that she no longer has 3 pints of equal parts vodka and sour mix running through her veins, she’s bound to be a little cold in an outfit that covers roughly 20% of her skin. Be a gentleman, give her your hoodie, but not before taking the neonest marker you can find and tagging it across the back. Let’s be honest, you’re never seeing that hoodie again, so you might as well give her something to remember you by. It’s sweet of you really. But for now, she has to wear your mark all the way up Main St. Heels and all.
Your Signed Local Cab Company Business Card
Call this article insensitive, but don’t detract from it’s practicality. Sometimes the Walk Of Shame is just a little too long to be realistic. In the reports about Derek Jeter, the word is that he calls a car service for the lady in question, and when she gets in there is a gift basket with the signed ball sitting on her seat. Maybe a little out of your price range. You can of course, call her a regular yellow cab and pay for the fare. At the very least split it, because after all, you know she lost on the deal. You can’t just run out and throw a few dollars at the driver though. Offer to call the cab and tell her you know the best (and cheapest) company in town. Then offer to give her the business card, slip in 5 or 6 bucks for the far, and your signature in the top left corner. A signed baseball from a 3,000 career hit, Major Leaguer it isn’t, but it’s a nice gesture combined with a signature that will probably stay in her wallet behind Daddy’s AMEX card for the rest of eternity. There’s some pride to be taken in that.
Your Signed Out Of Edition, Spanish 101 Textbook
Unless you truly are a boss, most of the girls you’re taking back are going to be younger, recently broken up with their high school boyfriends, and having more than 3 Bud Lights for the first time. This one goes especially for those girls. You took Spanish 101 second semester of Freshman year, and the damn textbook company added 2 more pages to chapter 3 and refused to buy back your now defunct version. Oh well, if you can’t get the $30 back on the $150 you spent originally, you might as well give it to someone who needs it, right? With your signature of course, right inside the front cover. That way when she’s sitting in class, learning how to roll her R’s, she’ll have no choice but to come upon your mark. Then she’ll either smile to herself, or quietly damn herself for not splurging on Edition 7. Either way, memory is the highest form of flattery.