It’s that time again. The weather turns from “boning outside” to completely frigid overnight, and people start piling on layers or drinking heavily (or both) to resist feeling of the cold. So it only makes sense that November is the month when all the dudes start growing out their beards to keep their faces warm. I keep mine year round because I’m a badass. If you haven’t jumped on the facial hair bandwagon yet, here are 10 people who will convince you that it’s about time you did.
Sorry guys, ZZ Top are not on this list. Maybe we’ll do a part 2 with them on it.
Dude, he’s a real American. If you don’t like Hulk Hogan’s sweet blonde horseshoe stache (he dyes it that way), then you can just fuck off. This man turned into a wrestling sensation purely based on his incredibly memorably facial hair, his constant usage of the word “brother,” and his unmatched ability to rip his shirts. Since then Hulkamania has been a thing, and feather boas have never been so stylish. Okay so that last part didn’t really catch on, but that doesn’t change anything: Hulk Hogan is still the man, long after he turned into a leathery old washed-up geezer with his own reality series.
There was this one other guy who rocked the same stache as Charlie Chaplin, and we all know how well that worked out. Chaplin decided to rock the look because he believed it gave him a comical appearance, which was true. But then Hitler came along and single-handedly ended the “toothbrush mustache” fad by murdering millions of people. Thanks a lot, Adolf. Not so comical anymore, is it? You would have thought that by now people would have gotten over the whole Hitler mustache taboo, but apparently not – Michael Jordan attempted a variation of it recently, and the world was quick to oust him. Sorry, Charlie.
Tom Selleck made the 80’s his bitch, and has since decided that he wants to live the rest of his life in that decade. I only say that because to this day you can still see him rocking his famed cop mustache. I’m sure that at some point he did shave that creature off his upper lip, only to find out that no one even remembered who he was. That’s just how synonymous he’s become with the mustache: he hasn’t been in the spotlight for more than 20 years and to this day people still reference the “Tom Selleck look.”
If you only looked at the name and didn’t have a picture to go with it, I’m sure you would have no idea who this guy was. Scott Ian is that bald guy from all of Vh1’s “I Love The…” shows – you know, that guy who was C-list famous for reason you didn’t even know. Turns out Scott is the guitarist for the heavy metal band Anthrax, but that’s neither here nor there. What makes Scott so memorable is his very distinct beard, a long tuft of hair hanging down from his chin, possibly as a way to make up for his baldness. I’ve seen it dyed all sorts of strange colors, and because of it I remember him more clearly than anyone else on I Love The 90’s. Well done, Scott.
I don’t really know what John Waters is famous for and frankly, I couldn’t care less. I know he’s an old school filmmaker who was in Jackass 2, and that’s about all I need to know to write this. Why? Because while it says his name here, this about mustaches, and Waters is the king of the pencil stache – he’s been rocking it forever, and I don’t think he plans on shaving off that little upper lip line anytime soon. I guess no one ever told him that he has the style of a pedophile?
The good colonel was in innovator: he made our chicken extra crispy, created the Double Down, and combined the soul patch with the full mustache to create something wholly different and completely unique. To this day, every KFC is emblazoned with a cartoon picture of the Colonel rocking his look. That’s about it, the guy didn’t do much besides wear whites suits and cook fried chicken.
Normally we leave the no-mustache beard to the Amish, but way back in the 1800’s this tall guy named Abraham Lincoln decided to take it back. Lincoln married a crazy woman, became the 16th president of America, beat the Confederacy back into their proper place, and freed all the slaves. Then he was shot by some asshole actor. He did all of this with an Amish beard, so maybe there’s something to be said for its power and ability to command. The beard that is…you seriously think Honest Abe could do all that stuff without the confidence that the beard gave him?
I’m about to drop some knowledge on all you youngsters: comedy existed before the year 2000. Scary thought, right? In fact, it was even a thing back during the Great Depression, when a band of Jewish brothers put their vaudeville act (look it up, idiot) on film and changed modern comedy forever. One of those siblings was Groucho Marx, a man known for his remarkable shoe polish mustache (and eye brows). So what if it wasn’t a real mustache? He’s still remembered for it today, and he deserves to be on this list, so fuck you.
This San Francisco Giants relief pitcher is known for two things: his eccentricity and his massive, bushy black beard. Interesting that baseball isn’t one of those two things, even though he’s considered one of the best closers in the game…but regardless, the beard is what gives him staying power. Case in point: the Cardinals just won a World Series and I don’t even know who their closer was. Now Wilson is in a million and one commercials, and every time I see that monstrous outcropping of facial hair I think to myself “that can’t be real,” even though I know it is.
You have to be high off your ass if you’re going to try telling me that Poseidon doesn’t have the most boss beard of all time. Yeah sure all of his brothers have beards, too – but none rock it quite like the God of the Sea. Whenever you see a sculpture of the dude his beard is perfectly coiffed into lots of concentric curls, and that shit takes a lot of time, even for a god. How does he even get it to stay that way when he’s underwater? This facial hair is my idol, and I’m proud to make it the posterbeard for Novembeard.