It’s a Saturday night, and your girlfriends come over to your apartment to down a bottle of vodka before the bar and get ready for a night out on the town. After the fourth shot, conversation takes a turn from how your work week was to who is having the best sex at the moment, and next thing you know everyone’s eyes are a bit droopy and no one cares if their bra strap is showing anymore. Once all six of you are at the bar, you manage to find some men to talk to, meet up with, or buy you a drink and you’re game for a great night.
But then, your one friend gets pissed off that her hook-up isn’t answering her texts and decides to do a row of tequila shots thinking it will make things better. Surprisingly, it doesn’t. Your friend is now caught up in a full blown booty crisis, when she starts making out with the guy standing next to you and her ex walks in, just as her hook-up does as well. And just like that, a fun night out with your girls turns into a jumbled mess of he-said-she-said, complete with a punch being thrown by your girl’s ex-boyfriend.
This is the time when you see if you can get away with the “Don’t hate the player, hate the game!” line in an attempt to cool everybody off and not get kicked out of your favorite bar. While this 99% of the time will not work…it’s still worth a try.
As a young woman in her 20’s, I can’t help but think there is a double standard surrounding women when it comes to hooking up. We are once again looked at as slutty, and guys are just awesome when they “hit that”. Listen guys, us ladies need some too and as long as everyone involved is consenting and safe, then who gives a damn.
Women usually, or most likely, have a few different guys they talk to when they aren’t in a relationship, and I realized after watching Goodfellas the other day that these relationships women have with men could be compared to the mafia. You have your main guy, then there’s the others further down the food chain who are there when you need them and so forth. Check it out below.
1. The Boss/ The (Recent Ex) Boyfriend
I hate to break it to you guys, but if the girl you’re dating recently broke up with her boyfriend or still talks to him, then she’s probably not over him. The Boss couldn’t have been a better title, because whatever this guy says, the girl is going to take into consideration at the very least, if not do. No matter how independent, carefree, or nonchalant a girl may act, if she has a boss in her life, she’s dropping everything, including her half-drunken bottle of beer, as soon as her cell phone dings with a new text alert from him. If there’s that type of guy in a girl’s life, she’ll leave a hot bar flirtation just for the chance that that late night ride home turns into something a little more steamy. Regardless of what a girl may tell you, it’s good to be the boss.
2. Underboss/ The Guy You Like
While a recent ex-boyfriend is usually the one dominating the back of a girl’s mind, there is always that one go-to guy. Just like Henry Hill had to clean up the messes for the rest of the crew, the Underboss usually has some sort of shitty situation to make do with. Although it might not be as bloody as the messes of the wise guys, this solid guy will not only wipe your nose after a drunk, tear-fueled rant about the ex, but he’ll make sure that at the end of the night the ex is not the guy you’re thinking of. The underboss is usually the nicer of the guys, the one a girl can actually talk to, the one who really seems to have his head on straight. And if there’s no talking necessary, at least the consoling can be a bit less dramatic than what a girl has to deal with when it comes to the big man in charge.
3. Caporegime/ Friends with Benefits
This is the guy the girl has been calling when she is in need since they hooked up during Senior Trip in high school. They’re good friends, know that there is nothing emotional with the hook-up, but don’t mind if you want a good spoon afterwards because they’re your friend and you just let them see you naked. You are together strictly because it feels good, and it’s always a plus before going into a hook-up if you know you won’t have to fake anything. He’s the guy who will take you to McDonald’s in the morning for an orange drink to nurse your hangover, then give you a high-five as he drops you off. He’s a ranking member of a girl’s personal life because he is consistent, fun to be around, and reliable.
4. Soliders/ Drunk Hook-Up With Someone You Know
Who needs men when you have three stellar guys, Jack, Jim, and Jose, all feeding you the liquid courage you need to send a quick “fuck you” text to the boss’ demands of a late-night rendezvous. When this situation occurs, a girl has a few options and they are usually listed in her phone with the last name of “Goodtime”. Yes, that’s right, like all of you guys have a few girls in mind to make that phone call, we’re doing it, too. Sometimes those dirty dance moves just don’t do it and a girl has to call in a favor with a friend they haven’t talked to since their last drunken meet-up. These sultry studs are the soldiers for a girl, the ones where you can really say anything to, and then make out with after. They don’t care about you, and to be honest you don’t really care about them. Graphic, I know, but it’s just not fair for guys to think that they’re the only ones who are able to get some play from anyone at anytime.
5. Associates/ One Night Stand
Like the creepy guy in Goodfellas who bought his wife a mink coat, there’s those idiots that you just sometimes have to use to get things done. The bottom-feeders, the associates, whatever you want to call them, are really the female version of a one night stand. Sometimes an “associate” can surprise you and really serve his purpose well, but most of the time these guys are the ones you seeing lurking in the bar with their credit cards out and their eyes locked anywhere but with yours. They might be at the bottom of the ranking but believe me, these guys really count for something. They show up late, they leave early, and the only thing a girl has to deal with in the morning is (hopefully) the feeling of a job well done.