Christmas, Thanksgiving and Chanukah are all fun holidays where family and friends get together and share gifts and memories. There are many more holidays that we celebrate for different reasons. Face it, we only celebrate some holidays because it’s an excuse to get hammered, and to not show up to class or work. We use them for one excuse, to escape reality. If we didn’t party, drink and smoke for them, these holidays would have no true reason for existence. It would be like going to prom without pregaming: boring and no one gets laid. It’s sad but true. So I decided to compile some of the greatest holiday, so you can see which one suits your needs best.
Saint Patrick’s Day
This holiday is for the full-blown alcoholics. Though it can be deceiving, this is not limited to just Irish alcoholics. It also goes for Spanish, Black, Jewish, and Asian alcoholics. As soon as March comes around, there is a parade or pub crawl every weekend. The sale of Guinness will skyrocket in March, even though it tastes worse than a dick after a marathon (trust me I know). The only thing good about this day is that I could house a bottle of Jameson and get a little silly. Irish Mist becomes a popular shot at bars. Every bar probably dusts off the bottle the night before because I highly doubt it was used all year.
My entire family is Irish, my beard is red and I have fair skin…you would think I would love this Holiday, but I feel like it is overrated. I get told I look like a leprechaun and usually end up doing an Irish exit from most bars. The only good thing about this month is the corn beef. I wait all year long to eat that jerky meat. What the fuck is with people wanting to make everything green though? I don’t need green beer or green bagels and cream cheese to satisfy my irishness.
Cinco de Mayo
Finally your liver spots start to disappear from the month of March. Then May 5th comes around, and you have another reason to get belligerent. This time, it’s from a different type of alcohol you would usually never drink. This is your special holiday if you’re of Spanish descent or if you’re a Saint Patrick’s month degenerate looking for another reason to get shithoused on a Tuesday night. Mexican and Spanish families bank on this day to pay off their mortgages. Spanish restaurants begin to flood with college students who will never eat there again (and will probably puke it up later anyway). Girls will proceed to get margaritas and eat their body weight in chips and salsa, trying to convince themselves it’s fine since it’s a “holiday.” Guys will sit at the bar and order only two things all night: Cuervo and Coronas, while getting increasingly violent due to tequila ingestion. Everyone tries to speak Spanish but ends up butchering the fuck out of the language. After every of Cuervo, guaranteed at least one person says, “No Bueno” as they set down their shot glasses (which I proceed to put in my pocket).
The 4th of July
Now this is my favorite drinking holiday. Not because it’s in the summer and it’s nice out. It’s because I’m 110% American, made up of 195lbs of solid steel and sex appeal. It’s a casual day of eating and drinking (story of my life). This is the only holiday of summer that people get off. It breaks up my work week of shitty labor and gives me a day to relax and drink beers. I usually tend to splurge on myself and get a 12 of bud heavies. This is the climax of summer for most college students, so stories of early summer are coming out and school is not close to around the corner, which means you don’t have to be depressed about having classes anytime soon. Beer Bq’s, pong funneling, and of course, pool parties, are abundant. Forget the fireworks, I’m usually blacked out before anyone even thinks about bringing them out. Everyone is out and in a good mood. It’s also amazing because I usually don’t end up spending any money since I’m probably at the beach instead of the bar (I hate spending money just to piss my pants). The only bad thing about this holiday is that they don’t give July 5th off. That day should be known as National Hangover Day. If you are on the train July 5th around 6:30 a.m. going into NYC, that smell will most likely be me.
Thanksgiving Eve, the biggest party day of the year. Without this grateful day, families wouldn’t have to be upset during the big dinner that their kids got DWIs the night before. While this is probably also one of my favorite, for every pro, there is also a con. Last year, $2 Wild Turkey shots and beers all night made my stomach protest against my delicious dinner then next day. It was awful. It is a good time to get in touch with the friends that you don’t talk to when they leave for college (for good reasons), and to spend all the money you were saving for all weekend home. This is also super because my friends make me do a physical activity, play a football game. I need an inhaler during sex, imagine being hung-over/drunk from the night before on 3 hrs of sleep trying to play. I tend to get extremely drunk on this day because, like I said, I’m an American. This day symbolizes the foundation of the domination of America. When the Native American sat and ate with the Europeans, they did not know what was coming.
New Years Eve
This Holiday blows for me. I just get drunk and think about how much my year fucking blew. Every year, I think of how I’ve been working since I was 16 and yet I am still living at home with no car. The only good thing about this day is that there is usually an open bar at my friend’s house so I could drink my sorrows away. I tend to sit in the kitchen and wait for people to walk in and force them to take shots with me so I don’t take them alone, what a way to start off a year. Once the shots run low, the Disaronno in a solo comes out. Then p.i.a starts with champagne, wine and liquor. As midnight comes closer, people start to become creepier. You start to see people sit and talk about their new year’s resolutions that will never happen or come true (usually girls). While the ladies are doing this, the guys are talking about who they might try to kiss at midnight. Since my friends and I are scared to talk to girls, this gives us an excuse to try to make out with someone without spitting game. Once the ball drops it just gets creepier. Random people kissing you, even though you do not know who the fuck they are. At this point of the night, all I want is my bed.
The next time one of these Holidays come around just think about what I said. And you, too, will agree that this day would suck without getting shamoo’d.