And now for your weekly installment of embarrassingly awesome sexual escapes from the good folks over at Worst Hookups…
Like many of the stories posted on this site, this one is from the awkward, tragic, but ultimately consequence-free glory of high school. I grew up in a pretty conservative and religious household. My upbringing greatly limited my exposure to females, except of course for conservative, religious girls. That was until I met Laura my senior year. I believe the devil tempted the two of us because we fudgeed like rabbits. The thrill of possibly being caught by our inquisitional friends and families was a crazy turn-on like nothing I’ve ever experienced since. We had to use spy-like vigilance and ninja stealth techniques to indulge in our clandestine sexual escapades in the scarce privacy that we were given. This brings me to the fateful day.
It was July. It was hot. It was Slurpees and fool-around-out-of-boredom time. Laura and I were in my room, and I had just finished what I like to call cunnilyngus on her (pants positioned and primed to be pulled up upon loss of privacy), and she hinted towards returning the favor. My God, did she ever. As a grown man, there aren’t too many sexual experiences that you remember vividly, but I do remember a full-body, writhing and twisting reaction to this fellating. Twas epic. Just as I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, my Bible-thumping, Stepford wife of a mother started to open the door.
“What are you two doing in here?” she said with a smile. “It sounded like lips smacking. You two weren’t smooching were you?”
My life flashed before my eyes. Luckily, Laura had already thought quickly. She grabbed a Slurpee and obnoxiously sucked the life out of it. I followed suit (to the best of my ability as I was roping the craziest silly string cum-blast all over her back). I reached for the Slurpee realizing that Laura was positioned perfectly to block the view of my waist from my mother.
“We’re just watching a movie,” said Laura nervously. I attempted to say something that agreed, but I’m sure it just came out as some squeaks and yodels. Just like that, she left the room oblivious. I couldn’t believe it. I could still be a terrible sinner behind closed doors. YES! It was a glorious day for Slurpees and sinners alike. Although, I’ll never be able to get over the fact that the best orgasm I’ve ever had was spent looking my mother in the eyes.
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