Sweethearts, are you having a first date with the guy you like? Making sure you have a steady booty call all summer long? We have all been in this position. Face it, first dates are terrible, especially if you’re going on one with me. If you read my past articles. you’d think you would never date someone like me, but I’m deceiving. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you think I use my real name? There are ways to get through a date with an undercover asshole such as myself and half of the college guys out there. Here are some tips to follow to be the perfect date for a douche bag that you like.
Don’t Dress For the Red Carpet
Most of you readers are college students, which means you’re broke. If a college guy takes you out, I highly doubt there is a dress code. Have you ever seen someone in a dress and heels at Applebee’s, if not this could be your one day. If a guy asks what time will you be ready at 3 in the afternoon and you respond, “I’m going to start getting ready now so probably 6,” you are doing something terrible wrong for a date. 3 hours? Do you know how much shit I could get done in 3 hrs? If not, I’ll tell you. Hour of dipping and Call of Duty. Hour of bitching and drinking with my friends of how I have to go on a date to try to get some ass. 30 minutes of debating about cancelling the date. 15 minutes of procrastibation (procrastinating + masturbation= procrastibation) of getting ready. 5 minute shower. 5 minutes flexing in the mirror naked. The last 5 minutes of funneling and debating if I should cancel still. How does it take females 3 hours to get ready to eat at Dave and Busters? Trust me females, your clothes will look good next to my bed and your hair will be far from perfect by the end of the date.
If I was going on a date with you for the first time and it was on a day that ends with a Y, I most likely plan on drinking. All my friends would be drinking already so I wouldn’t want to play catch up so I would have to pregame at wherever we are. Plus, I could just get dropped off by you after “dessert” and it would be so convenient. I don’t own an automobile for 2 reasons: it would make me cut back on my drinking habits and my license would be suspended by now. No matter how much anxiety I’ll get with a female behind the wheel, it will still be better than a DWI. If your response is, “My car is in the shop,” I will postpone the date for months and will lose my buzz about you and most likely try to sleep with one of your friends. I could borrow my mom’s car but I don’t think there is enough pine tree air fresheners to cover the odor of latex and love that will be happening.
Order Real food
I’m tired of taking girls out to eat and they get water and a head of lettuce. I’m already spending my precious time away from pregaming with my friends by hanging out with you; impress me. Get a nice bacon cheese burger and a Budweiser. Even though it will be 10 more dollars then I am planning on spending, at least I will be impressed to see you take it down. Girls who get salads are boring, dull. Salads and water symbolizes hatred. You obviously don’t like yourself or your body if you’re passing on a fucking blooming onion. Girls like this shouldn’t be trusted. If you’re a vegetarian, let the guy know before so he doesn’t even bother taking you out on a date. If you are a vegan, cancel the date yourself and see how long you can hold your breath. The bacon cheese burger and Budweiser symbolizes a fly ass bitch. Tom Petty wrote a song about this breed of women, it’s called “American Girl.” This is the type of girl who can hang with the guys and watch sports without asking the rules. This type of girl embraces the c u next Tuesday word (cunt) and will throw down if needed. And for guys, this is more attractive.
Keep the Conversation Flowing
If there is an awkward silence, there is a 97.6% chance this is your last meal with a local celebrity of social networking like myself. Most college guys could talk about anything, just say something and we’ll go with it. You could tell me a story about how your ferret ran away, and I could turn it into never have I ever. There are three things no guy wants to here on the first date: 1- your exboyfriend. I could care less how big of a scumbag he is because I’m not planning on dating you, and I am probably 100 xs worse than he will ever be. 2- “I’m so fat.” When a girl says “I’m so fat” it’s like telling me you have every type of oral and vaginal STD out there. I’d rather take that girl from Precious out to eat, than hear a 105lb pound college girl calling herself fat. It is the most annoying thing a girl could do. 3- “I don’t put out on the first date.” R.I.P my 50 dollars I’m spending to wine and dine you in hopes of breaking my dry spell. The date will just go downhill. It’s like watching a horror movie and someone told you who the killer was in the beginning; why the fuck would you watch it? If a college guy is taking a girl out on a date it’s not because he likes them, it’s because his drunken game isn’t working so he has to do something else.
If you went through this date and felt like you had a wonderful time and yet still don’t want to play hide the bearded burglar, chances are there will be no second date. If I wanted to spend $50 and get blue-balled, I would just go to a strip club and support single mothers. I respect girls who don’t give it up the first day, but give something. It’s true that if you give out free milk you’ll never sell the cow, but at least let me touch the utters. For me it will make me go out, get hammered, and not even think about another girl. It will make me want to take you out on a second date (something cheaper this time, most likely red box and my bed). If you take these steps I will guarantee there will be a second date (if you still want one).