In case you have been living under a rock for the past 24 hours, or just don’t follow sports at all, let me fill you in on the first semi-major story of the NFL Training Camp period: Dez Bryant has established himself the league’s newest diva wide receiver. Bryant has been the center of some big time scrutiny after he violated the long-followed NFL rite of passage of rookies carrying veteran shoulder pads to earn their keep with the organization. Apparently the 24th overall draft pick was looking to buck this tradition when he refused to carry fellow Cowboys wideout Roy Williams’s equipment because he “feel[s] like [he] was drafted to play football, not carry another player’s pads.” As much as Roy Williams may suck and as likely as it is that he will eventually lose his starting role to the über talented Bryant, this shit is still unacceptable and Dez must fall into line just like every other rookie who came into the NFL once did. Now, although my beefy exterior may deceive you, I do not have any professional football experience but what I do have is a a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career of hazing pledges. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like Dez Bryant. Dez, if you are reading this, take a look at five ways that I would make your training camp hell – one for each Lombardi Trophy the Cowboys have one in their storied history.
1. Go shot for shot with Cowboys owner Jerry Jones
Jones may have made his bones in the oil business and rose to unbelievable heights of fame and success by revitalizing the Cowboys image as America’s team in the 90’s, but any sports fan can tell you that Jones is more comfortable in a bar than in any board room. It will be interesting to see if Dez can stick with this sick animal, but something tells me that Jerry Jones and a bottle of Wild Turkey will do in the top pick.
4. Film sex tape with Kris Kardashian
With news of his new teammate Miles Austin banging out Kim Kardashian, Dez is gonna have to play the role of wingman to his fellow receiver. Kim’s mom Kris is a total control freak and is a potential headache for Miles as he tries to lay pipe in Hollywood’s most famous tushy. Dez is gonna have to drill Mama Kardashian to divert her attention away from Kim and Miles and get it all on camera just because there is totally a market for rookie wideout on granny porn.
3. Stand in as DeMarcus Ware’s personal tackling dummy
DeMarcus Ware is a total meast – part man, part beast. Ware deserves every cent of his six-year, $78 million contract because he is an offensive lineman’s nightmare with his combination of lighting quick speed and brute strength. Ware usually draws double teams from huge O-linemen and he still is capable of 20 sack seasons just like the one he racked up in 2008. The 6’2″, 225 lb Bryant will fold like a cheap beach chair when matched up against the 6’4″ 262 lb. Ware and if you don’t believe me just look at the highlight reel.
2. Survive one Saturday night in Dallas with Michael Irvin
Michael Irvin may have been the Cowboys “Playmaker” on Sundays in the 90’s, but the Hall of Famer was also known far and wide for his off the field shenanigans during his decorated NFL career. While Irvin’s hands may have been his biggest asset between the sidelines, his nostrils were doing the majority of the work when it came to some other lines. I am not about to suggest Bryant goes out and gets his nose dirty, nor am I implying that Irvin still is hooked on the booger sugar, but I would love to see if this fresh faced rook could hang with a legit bad boy for a full night on the town.
1. Caddy for Tony Romo and Tiger Woods
Romo is probably the best golfer among all active NFL players and if there is one QB in the league that could reserve a tee time with Tiger, its gotta be Tony – he seems to be a good dude and he’s is one of the league’s bigger pimps, bedding such prestigious tail as Jessica Simpson and Carrie Underwood (something that should make for some good conversation with Tiger). Bryant would not only need to carry two full bags of clubs but he’s have to listen in on how Romo and Tiger run down their hit list and eventually determine that they are eskimo brothers.
What say you loyal readers? Do any of you, particularly the frat bros, have any ideas of how to make Bryant’s rookie experience a total disaster? Let us know in the comments section below.