Worst Hookups Presents: Some People Just Can’t Wait for Shark Week

During this past year, I’ve been at a community college trying to bring my GPA up in order to transfer to my dream school, which I lost my scholarship from (damn senior slump). In my area, community college means forfeiting your social life for a year or two. So, I decided to take weekly trips to a college about an hour away that many of my high school buds attended.

One weekend at their school, I met a girl­–lets call her Haley. She was a very nice girl, fairly attractive with some porn star-looking tits. We talked and got to know each other. However, to my disbelief, I had no success in nailing her. A week or two went by, and she started sending me messages on Facebook and calling me asking when I’m going to visit again. After discussing this with my friends there who know her, we decided it was because she was in desperate need of some D and was soon to be the subject of my WorstHookups.com story.

I ventured down that weekend and started drinking with the boys right away. Well, not an hour into the night, she called and wanted me to pick her up from the soccer house and take her back to her dorm room. No argument from me. We got back to her place and things started off great. First we were on her desk, then the floor, then her roommates bed, then finally her bed. She blew on my knob for a little while. But I had bigger plans for the evening, so I started finger blasting her. She quickly asked if I had a condom. FUCK! HOW DID I FORGET TO BRING A CONDOM? “No worries,” she said. She had plenty.

I quickly put on my raincoat and began thrusting away. This was great. The combination of her surprising tightness and those massive tits put me in heaven. I was on top of her, holding onto the bedpost behind her with my arms right above her head. Now, I’ve experienced playful nibbling before–its fun and I enjoy it. However, this chick must have been a Twilight fan! This was no playful nibbling. This was more of a “Hi! I love the taste of human flesh and haven’t eaten all week,” bite. She literally sat up and proceeded to CHOMP on the back of my left arm! Extremely confused and in a fair amount of pain, the only words I could muster were, “Shit! What the fudge are you doing?” She quickly stopped and tried to apologize, but it was too late. I was already way too turned off to try and finish the job. I rolled over and told her that I was going to sleep. This was a lie, which she believed. Soon, she was out like a light. I slowly got up, found my clothes and legit ran out the door! I went back to my buddy’s room and decided to drown out the pain of my throbbing arm with a few shots and some Yuengling.

The next morning, I woke up and went to take a shower. Shirtless, my buddy quickly stopped me and asked what the fudge happened to my back. When I turned to look in the mirror, I found bright red lines all down my back from that wonderful young lady clawing me. My friend then said, “Ohhh, I know where you disappeared to last night!” Confused, I asked him what he meant. He quickly pointed out the still very defined set of teeth marks on the back of my arm. He informed me that she had “marked” me just like she had done to a few other guys he knew from the soccer team. Needless to say, I have not spoken to her since and didn’t return to that school for quite some time in fear of seeing the cannibal again. It was definitely my WORST hookup ever.

For more hilarious tales of hookup debauchery, check out WorstHookups.com.

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