During the past few months, I’ve managed to come down with a bad case of what my friends have appropriately termed, “Hookup ADD,” which can be defined as the act of frequently hooking up with a very diverse spectrum of women with little to no discrimination for physical appearances.I’ll definitely admit that some of these girls struggle even behind the shroud of my beer goggles. As a result of this newfound lifestyle, I finally came across my WorstHookups.com encounter, which resides in the annals of my hookup portfolio not because of the legendary nature of the situation, but more so for the sheer awkwardness of the exchange.
Now, in the not-so-distant past, my friends and I decided to go big or go home and start the weekend off on the right foot by throwing an aggressive darty [(dar-tee) noun. Day party // I don’t remember anything after that darty.]. Like any grown bro with little to no game, I consumed excessive quantities of liquid-courage and with adderall-esque focus, my vision narrowed on two things, women and beer pong. This “beer pong = chicks” phenomenon doesn’t apply to me because I’ve still never had a bombshell collapse to her knees and proceed to suck my thang upon my sinking the last cup, despite the fact that I do it with ease and have a dick that’s pretty huge (in some parts of Asia).
I digress. After retiring (undefeated…obviously) from the table, I began spitting some game to one of the few cute girls who remained at the party before heading to some lame outdoor concert with my crew of bros and a couple classy ladies (including one particularly annoying friend of said females). Things were going relatively well (i.e. poorly for anyone other than me) with this little babe and me commenced to walk to the concert together. All the while, I was trying to whisper sweet eloquences into her ears such as, “Let’s make out right now,” or, “Have my children,” (the only game I could muster as the result of chugging sweat tea vodka). Soon afterward, I realized that the annoying friend of this chick was tailing me. I had been doing my best to avoid this landmine, despite her incessant encroachments. At some point during the concert, I realized that my buddy had locked up the cute chick I had been trying to flirt with earlier. I began to focus elsewhere. For some reason, the annoying friend seemed like the most viable option in my desperate situation. I looked at her and she started saying stuff like, “You’re just so adorable,” and, “I’m so sorry, you’re just so adorable.” “Adorable” is a term that I would apply to kittens or baby turtles. I am a MAN! Granted, I’m not much of one, but nonetheless, I was not sure how to take this complement/insult to my ego. Well, a few minutes later she started classily grabbing my crotch in this very public venue. So, I took her home.
Fast forward a half hour of walking where she was constantly saying, “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, you’re just so adorable.” It was starting to get really annoying, but I pressed on, hoping that something would come to fruition once I got her back to my place.
We arrived at our destination, at which point, the only words leaving her mouth are pretty much, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Clothes started coming off as she continued to verbally assail me with the bombardment of apologies, which was off-putting to say the least. After a few more, “I’m sorry’s,” I said, “If you say the word ‘sorry’ one more time, you’re gonna have to leave!” Naturally, she replied, “I’m so sorry.” I told her she was going to have to leave and meet back up with her friends, but she decided she was going to give me head. Who was I to deny her? She began to fellate me, and literally within seconds, I realized that something was amiss. This BJ was a lot more painful than it should be. I figured I could tough it out, but it kept getting worse. I tried to feign enjoyment, but after another minute, I realized that I was going to start bleeding if I tried to keep up this act. She was practically gnawing on my dick as I was recoiling in pain with each non-rythmic/non-arousing motion of her skull, which she probably mistook for pleasure. She kept saying weird stuff about me being adorable and it was really starting to creep me out. Eventually, I realized that there was little to no chance of me cumming if she kept chewing on my manhood, so I tried to politely give her some kind of warning that she needs to go easy with the teeth before she bites my stuff off. She said, “I’m so sorry,” (as usual) and loosened up her toothy grip for one second and then is right back at gnawing my junk like a teething puppy on a bone (pun intended). I mentally gave up on this girl, and began to look for a way to get the hell out of this situation. Again, I pleaded with her to lay off with the teeth and she came back with, “I’m sorry, you’re just so adorable.” That was it! I told her to put her clothes back on and go meet her friends. The end. I couldn’t comfortably walk or piss for days after, thanks for nothing. I guess she was just apologizing in advance.
For more hilarious tales of hookup debauchery, check out WorstHookups.com.
